October 16th, 2010 at 12:11am
This is my review of your first chapter (: I’m going to be a little behind because I didn’t start reading your story when it was first posted, but I’ll more likely than not catch up before it ends.
Deaf Magnet
A girl names Annette who shows us how it really is to be deaf.
Right from the beginning I’m interested; it’s a very interesting subject and one that isn’t written about much. I’m also wondering if you’ve had a personal experience in which prompted this story for you. Research is crucial for these types of stories.
I’m a little bummed that there isn’t a longer summary though.
Confusion
Yeah. Its my first day of high school.
Right away I am thrown into the story – that’s nice and it keeps me reading; there’s no boring description of the setting but I still know what’s happening.
Although its shows possession when really you meant it is, which contracted is it’s.
I’m nervous because, well because I am deaf.
Has she ever gone to public schools before? If she has, why exactly is she nervous? I do like how you are keeping it simple and to the point, but a bit expanding needs to happen at some point.
She’s a lazy cow.
Good, you are showing the character’s thoughts – but how is she a lazy cow? Show us, don’t tell us.
I'm sitting at a table in the cafeteria when this girl walks up to me. She waves and I see her lips move. I wave back, and point to my ears. She looks at me funny. So I take a sheet of paper out of my folder. On the paper I write:
Hey. I'm Annette.
I don’t know why, but I really like this bit. You can see every bit of action, but at the same time it is slowed down and made easy to understand. There’s no unnecessary drama because we can already assume what the other girl is thinking or feeling.
I wave back and then see everyone else gather there stuff and leave too.
Their stuff.
Now at this point I really wish I could hear her.
The way you wrote that seemed sort of awkward. Doesn’t the character always wish she could hear people, or is she okay with being deaf?
Author’s Note
I wrote this story because I find sign language very interesting. My best friend is deaf, and I love her lots. I hope you sort of get a feel for what it's like to be deaf.
That answers my earlier question (: & it also makes me want to keep reading; knowing that this is from a personal experience.
Overall this chapter has done what it was intended to do; introduce the story. It was interesting and not too short or long, but there could have been a lot more detail to flesh it out.
update soon XD