Kids - Comments

Story Review Game
Like lonna said your summary is fine, but there's still a grammar issue. In the bit talking about her eyelids is should be "and her eyelids." So you might want to go fix that. Also, I'm still not entirely sure what this is about from reading just the summary, but maybe I'm just daft. The layout is kind of meh...for me, it seems to be going all over the place, and it's slightly unattractive.

Prologue
she said, her auburn hair you don't need a comma after said.
Andrew nodded, a wave no comma after nodded.

This chapter was interesting. I could feel the annoyance of the cabdriver. I have awful road rage and the thought of traffic makes me want to kill. So I could feel all three of them wanting to get out of there and get home. I like the name Ainsley as well, it's very interesting and unique. I'm guessing this is going to be a love story?

My question is, if it's not about a band or what not why is there a picture of some guy singing in your summary?

I like the bit when they're talking about kids. I personally hate children. They're evil and I shall never have one. I like how Andrew considers them to be selfish, it almost makes me laugh.

You're quite good at making these things seem natural. I felt as if the first chapter was a bit typical. Two people meet while sharing a cab, there's sparks and on to the love story. I felt you could've branched away from that a bit. Maybe make is a bit less cliche?

Otherwise, very nice job.

I really love the way this is written. All the imagery doesn't seem forced, it's just there, and I like it.

I also really love the letter format, it's something fresh.

I'm about to google Forsynthia, just because I'm curious.

Ben and Andrew's roommate bickering gave me a laugh. There's no way he would have that moose hanging above my fireplace.

My good this was freaking awesome!!
I agree with the above commenters. You, my dear have a wonderful talent for writing!
My god, I can't get how over how great this was! :)
I thought they should of jumped in the puddles, that would of been cute!
“It may look terrible now, but when the rain stops and the sun comes out, everything looks more beautiful than it did before.” I agree with that.

“People take things for granted,” she said, facing him. Her eyes were light brown; they seemed to brighten the dim taxi. “Things are only miserable if you make them miserable.” That was so freaking cute!

I've never been to New York, but you make me wanna go, and meet some handsome stranger in a taxi cab!

Thanks for entering my contest, and I'm happy that this was your first contest, because you did awesome! :)

Chapter One:

I like that your story summary is simple, but you have a grammar problem in there, which is located in the first line. You use that’s which means that is and it doesn’t make sense the way you have it. I think you meant that.

I like the image you have to the far right, I’m not sure if that’s Andrew VanWyngarden himself, but it looks nice. I’m going to be honest; I have no clue who Andrew VanWyngarden or his band is, so if I don’t get something or I have to understand a certain thing by listening to that song then you’ll understand why I’m incompetent when it comes to that aspect.

I thought the opening was nice, nothing too fantastic, but what I thought was funny was Andrew never answered the cab driver’s question as to where it was he wanted to go. I felt the woman getting in and talking with Andrew seemed like they knew each other already or something. I love stories that deal with cities or take place in big cities I should say, like New York or Chicago. I ove it. I thought you portrayed the liveliness of New York well, you know with the cab driver being impatient with the traffic. I thought that was well done.

” “There’s something oddly beautiful about rain,” she said, looking out at the street. New Yorkers were huddled together under umbrellas, whistling for stalling taxis to wave them inside. Large puddles of water formed on the dirty sidewalk. Children stomped into black holes, splashing dark filth everywhere.”— Favorite part out of the whole story I think. I can relate to this 100% because I agree. That’s why I love the rain, and right there was the biggest connection I had to this story.

I thought it was a nice touch the quietness Andrew when the woman was talking about the rain that showed a lot about his personality. I really liked this, and the dialogue between Andrew and Ainsely was beautiful. Your imagery, tone and whole atmosphere was lovely.

AH! FIRST COMMENT!!!!

Okay, now that I've gotten that out of my system...

Eww...the bald guy sketched me out. I have a secret phobia of bald people.

Janet used to drive a Crown Vic back in the day, all the drug dealers wanted to buy it from her. XD

I also hate the rain, so I think this woman is psycho.

Aw, I love this! Reading made me feel slightly enlightened, but it did not change my opinion on rain. Good luck on the contest! I haven't written my entry yet...