"Eternity is a mere moment, just long enough for a joke."
That line just struck me. As soon as I read that I knew I was going to love this. I was hooked, and stayed enthralled the entire time. I presume this was about vampires, or some other sort of supernatural creature. Your descriptions were lovely, as was the setting. You managed to capture some strong, terrible emotions beautifully, and for that, I applaud you.
My only suggestion would be to break up the two paragraphs a little. Everything seems a little squeezed. Also, I'd suggest starting sentences with something other than "he" and "the"; they're a tad overused, and they seem to make the writing a little stiff and awkward at times. Otherwise, you did an absolutely brilliant job with this.
That line just struck me. As soon as I read that I knew I was going to love this. I was hooked, and stayed enthralled the entire time. I presume this was about vampires, or some other sort of supernatural creature. Your descriptions were lovely, as was the setting. You managed to capture some strong, terrible emotions beautifully, and for that, I applaud you.
My only suggestion would be to break up the two paragraphs a little. Everything seems a little squeezed. Also, I'd suggest starting sentences with something other than "he" and "the"; they're a tad overused, and they seem to make the writing a little stiff and awkward at times. Otherwise, you did an absolutely brilliant job with this.