November 25th, 2010 at 12:38am
I was reading this and the way you wrote things, descripting and dialogue, seemed like a children's book format.
Zeus even stroke lighting at him stroke should be "struck"
And gods should be capitalized to - Gods.
But their attempts just made him want to be immortal more
- this would flow better if written as: But their attempts just made him want to be immortal even more.
He pounced on citizens, tearing them to pieces-blood splashing everywhere-then eating them
- He pound on citizens, tearing them to pieces. Blood splashed everywhere, and then he ate them. sounds better.
He destroyed anything that had to do with the gods, books, statues, and buildings.
-He destroyed anything that had to do with the Gods; books, statues, and buildings.
This made the gods even more mad, then they were before.
- The comma after "mad" isn't necessary.
So Artemis put on in the sky.
- This sentence doesn't much make sense. Maybe "on" is supposed to be "him" or perhaps "Leo" ?
Overall, it was a good plot line for a drabble.
He very much annoyed the Gods, They tried their best to get him to stop. "They" shouldn't be capitalized.
So one day the Gods gave in, annoyed. I felt this was rather redundant.
So Artemis put him in the sky. Today you might know him as the Leo constellation. From what I know, although this was a good idea, heroes and such are only put in the sky for good things. It's an honor, they don't put people like Leo up there. They kill people like Leo, make him suffer through a hard life where everyone he loves turns on him or dies.
It has a lot of potential, I like it. Greek mythology is one of my favorite things. (: