Toxic Valentine - Comments

I am so confused and I love it. haha. Chapter 3 soon please (:

cool story but ur mean to make alex die

Oneshot for Oneshot.
You have a lot of grammatical errors. Things that don't make sense and are more the way old men in the deep South talk, rather than the way an author should write. I'd look over your story pretty heavy and make sure that everything makes sense.

Without it he wouldn't be the same, one of the reasons why I love him.
There should be some sort of break between “wouldn’t be the same” and “one of the reasons”. Add an, “and it’s”, maybe?

No one really knows Alex, I try to hide him, not because I am ashamed or being selfish, but if people found out they would send him away and I would probably never see him again and he would be drugged up on drugs all the time, I am doing it for his benefit.
This is a really long sentence that doesn’t flow enough to be a good run-on. Break it apart! (:

Watch out for run-ons and unfinished sentences, because I noticed a lot of them.

I did enjoy your plot though, it was really creative.

I liked that (: it was cute, like the girl above me said.

However, many parts of the story got me distracted. I don't want to sound mean, but this is jus some advice for how to make your stories better, I hope you don't mind.

Your grammar wasn't the best, and a lot of sentences didn't make sense. Like here's an example: People were walking past, looking at Alex like he was crazy, people were looking out their windows phoning some people. People were taking their distances. What does "People were taking their distances" mean? And your sentence structure wasn't formed well at all in this particular paragraph, either.

Another part that made my eyebrows raise were parts like this one:
"Promise never to leave me again?" Alex asked Jack as they entered the house.
"I promise." Jack smiled and kissed the top of his head.
Although cute, this makes Alex seem like a child and Jack the parent, but they're supposed to be an older male couple; since they're living on their own. There are a lot of parts in the story where the narrator seems childish or the dialogue seemed childish, which took away from the plot, especially the end where Jack swore and threatened to kill the "two big men in white scrubs."

On that topic, the "two big men in white scrubs" who "looked very scary and serious" seems like a rather dull description, and would they really be in scrubs to pick up a patient? Wouldn't Jack find out at least what their names were, who they were working for, and where they were going? Little details like that take away from the story as well.

Also, this line really bothered me:
Jack sat there in disbelief, he was crying his eyes out. He had just lost everything to him, everything Jack loved was now gone. Then, it all made sense.
When did Jack start crying his eyes out? Although this is sad, these lines are not realistic, at least in my point of view. For example, when I found out my best friend had died, I was in shock for a minute, probably more, before I broke down and cried. I wouldn't admit that he was gone, and even after I was crying, I still didn't admit he was gone. Also, I couldn't think rationally at all after I found out he was dead, I wouldn't have come to a conclusion that quickly at all. It would have taken me at least a couple days to get my mind straight. However you don't have to worry about this because I won't take points off because of it, since this may be the way you react to such news. I was just stating my opinion, however this won't reflect on your "grade" so to speak.

So yeah, again, I really hope none of this hurts you, I'm just telling you how I think you can get stronger in your writing style. Thanks for entering this into my contest! (:

that was, kinda cute.

but you're mean! that ending was so sad :(

i would love it if you somehow started over and made this a longer story... the same ending would be okay just stretch out the plot before this. haha. i just really liked this; (:

well yeah,, good job (: