Nick is so hot(:
August 14th, 2010 at 11:48pm
Layout and Summary: Well, the layout really gives off the whole “teeny bob high school love story” feel, with the pink, purple and blue. You said it was slash, though it seems too girly for me. The summary is also quite vague, which is good in a sense but it doesn’t really do much to draw a reader in, this entire thing is based on a relationship however you don’t even hint at it in the summary. It’s just about someone getting into a car crash?
Story:
In the second paragraph I think you should change “flung” to rip or tore, mostly because you already used the verb flung in the first sentence, and then the word just becomes mundane after several uses.
“Look, Mikayla, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can go out with you anymore if you’re going to be this controlling,” He said.
That would be a period not a comma.
“Nick, I’m not being controlling, you’re just not listening to me, so I have to do stuff myself!” She said. Nick stared at her for a long time.
I think you could go into more detail, how did she say it? How did he feel? So far all you’ve described are the sole actions of each person; however you never touch up on how they feel.
“Mikayla, I don’t want to hurt you,” He said.
Period not a comma.
I know, Nick. I can see I’ve hurt you, though,” She said softly.
That would be a period, and I think you should get rid of the “though”, mostly because that would imply in the next sentence she will add on to the fact, but she really doesn’t.
“I’m sorry. I’ll go.” She turned to walk away.
Again, describe her facial expressions. Describe how he felt seeing it. Was she ashamed? Was she pissing herself laughing? Was he angry, happy, did it hurt him?
“Wait,” He said, getting out of the truck.
He would be a lower case, if in the dialogue there is a comma than the following word is always a lower case.
“At least let me give you a ride home.” She smiled softly.
When you talk about her action afterward, it’s almost like she’s saying it. If you’re using dialogue, try to add what that person did afterwards, not what the person they were talking to did.
“I can’t impose on you like that,” She said,
It would be a period, not a comma.
Also, in that paragraph, I find it a tad odd that she would let it go so easily. When someone’s controlling they absolutely despise when things are in their hands, mainly out of their control. She would most likely have a freak or turn the situation into her hands, most likely dumping him. Again, how does he feel?
The dude just broke up with his girlfriend; you can easily elaborate on the feelings that are passing through his mind. The reader doesn’t know much about him, about their relationship, and for all we know he could be stunned with happiness, or maybe he’s suicidal? We don’t know what’s going on through your mind; we don’t know how anyone looks, what the setting looks like, or how they feel. You must explain this.
Grissom would never forgive him.
Was Grissom his boss? Explain why Grissom would never forgive him, is he a punctual, controlling man? Describe like we’ve never heard of his character before.
There was a squeal of tires on asphalt,
I think you should include something like “suddenly” or “abruptly” to show that this happened to him. For a moment I was confused about what was happening, and I think that would increase a better flow.
In the next paragraph elaborate how he’s feeling. Dizzy, okay. But he almost died; I think that’s going to bring up a lot. Memories? Thrashing heartbeats? Maybe he blacked out?
“Mr. Stokes! Are you all right?” He asked,
How did he ask? Was he concerned? Was he laughing? Whispering? Imposing?
“You were driving through the light and a drunk driver flew through the red light and slammed into your car,”
Period not a comma.
He tried to smile but found it hard to at this time.
Why did he find it hard? Was it the after shock? Did it hurt?
“In the other ambulance. He’s not in very good shape,”
Period.
“Well, hopefully he’ll be all right,”
Period.
“I have to get back to the station and let everyone know you’re all right,”
Period.
He half hoped Greg would stop by,
What’s this guy’s relationship with him?
He thought.
He wondered?
“You’re awake,” He said simply,
Period.
“Yeah, I slept right through the night,”
Period.
“I know,” He said softly.
Lower case on the he.
The doctor walked into the room.
How did she walk into the room? Were her footsteps loud, so they heard before she stepped in, or were they so soft that it was like a sneak attack?
“Mr. Stokes, I’m Dr. Lowry,”
Period.
Nick nodded.
Again, add something she did before explaining his actions.
He said.
He asked.
“At least two weeks,”
Period, and you can go into how he felt about no work.
“I’ll give you two and a half,” Grissom said.
Period, and how’d he say it? With a smile? Regretfully?
And you should stray away from the word nodded; you used it a lot in only a few sentences. Try a different word, because like I said then it becomes mundane.
“That sounds like a reasonable amount of time,”
Period.
“I’ll give you a ride home,”
Period.
Overall, the plot isn’t that bad. It’s only the beginning so you have a lot to work with. I think that you should’ve kept the girlfriend, at least for a while because that could be an obstacle they overcame together, but they could still sneak around.
You’ve got a “he said, she said, he did, she did” type of thing going. You shouldn’t just describe the actions, however describe what they’re feeling. What’s the setting like? What does it smell like? Are they happy, sad, how do they do things? It helps with building a character.
And also, if you have a sentence in dialogue, if without the quotations it’s a sentence, than you put a period at the end. Only if its things like “You know,” she spoke quietly, “we’ve got a lot of things to do today.” You know isn’t a sentence by itself, however with the following quotations it becomes one.
Hope that helped.
