Hidden Love From Him? - Comments

Personally, I think you should start over, and have a true plot in mind. This story is a little confusing, because while things are happening in the chapters... nothing is really happening in the story. I don't understand what the characters are leading up to. I get that you want them to fall in love eventually, but what will the obstacles be? As a tip I learned, it really helps to get your characters mapped out before starting a story. Personality, likes, dislikes, fears, what they want, what they need, etc. That can help to shape your story a bit more. Again, i'm always available to help. Maybe if you tell me what you want the story to be about, and what you want the characters to be like, I could actually try to write a possible first chapter for you, or some character drafts? Just let me know. Maybe I just need to read this story over...

So glad you're continuing ^_^.

It seems like you're running out of ideas 0.0... i'm trying to figure out where this story is headed because, to be blunt and honest, it's not moving forward at all... no offense. What is this story supposed to be about exactly? Like, in short. Maybe I could help you... we could each post chapters alternatively or something if you want, if I know what you want to happen.

Just suggestions ><... don't b mad.

Short and sweet!! Update whenever you can please? =]

haha, all i gotta say is that the chapter sure is short xD but that's ok

WOOT!! I got my own CHAPTER!! Or... paragraph... so far. LOL. It's better thn nothing. I've decided to keep posting on now i panic even though i'll end up takin it down later.

SO cute!
UPDATE!!!

This is pretty good, but the chapters are to short! Youve got a little on one then you go on another when they should be the same chapter

U should start using better description in the story. Also, try using many types of sentences. The way u have it, the story seems a bit...unflowy? Idk. Anyways, Try to change the sentence types. Otherwise, ur story's turning good!

not much... so I don't really have a review. thnx for posting SOMETHING though. I should do that; just post part of a chapter if I can't post a lot. It's better than nothing.*virtual thumbs up*

oops, double post xD

the story's moving along now! :]

the story's moving along now! :]

That was good! Just keep that anger going on Janice's part for awhile, and maybe have her avoid him? As much as possible. But that's just a suggestion of course. This is a nice twist.

Did you add me to the writers for this? You have... many grammatical errors, and its driving me insane. I need to fix them, Soon. No offense intended! Don't hurt me(lol).
_TECH_

I agree with Lhtkid. It feels as if this story is just stretching on and on, instead of getting anywhere. But I like that you put Khalil's pov in there. That's a bit of a twist.

plz take no offense, but im saying this out of friendship also: u should start building up to the climax now. it's better if u do that, to keep ur story more "lively"....and try to stick to the same main characters. the way ur going right now, it seems the main characters are changing and Janice seems to become a background character.

also, if ur going to have them get closer, mayb something where they r alone, as in like, no other friends with them. Such as going to one of their houses to do a project. You could also make it so janice quickly realizes she loves him, and then, kahlil gets amnesia and forgets her. the part abt kahlil getting amnesia could b the climax.

yeah....hope u understand that and it helps :) and im srry for this if it sounds like criticism. im just trying to help give ideas....in case u got a writer's block xD

*whines*
heeeeeeeeeeyyy.... I told you not to do that:(

I have to say this, but know that I mean it out of respect for our friendship (if we even have one): You kindof killed this story with that elevator scene. Just a bit, for ME, anyways. It seems way too soon for that, and the plot hasn't gone anywhere. I'm left trying to really figure out where this story is going, or what's supposed to be happening. If you can really tell me what's supposed to be happening, then i'm sure i'll have something more positive to say.

Really. Please explain what going on, so I can give a real opinion, instead of criticism. I don't like giving ALL criticism. Explain it to me. I'll need to know where you're trying to go with it, if i'm ever going to help to edit it anyways, so... *shrugs sadly* Sorry...

......i think the plot's dying a little, no offense xDDD

And plz post something that will get the story somewhere. I feel like this is just suspense to what's really going to happen, and I can't take it! I want to see what's going to happen, and i'm dying from the suspense.

WOO! UPDATE SOON, I DEMAND!