I really like the twist at the end... I thought she was going to just let him bite her. I also liked the 'catch phrase' type of line at the end, made me laugh (:
June 19th, 2010 at 09:43am
Grammar and spelling – 3/5
Legibility of layout – 2/5
Originality/Creativity – 8/10
How well the theme was incorporated – 10/10
How well the rules were followed – 3.5/5
Summary – 5/5
Story plot – 8/10
Total: 35.5
First... yeah, I agree. The gaps are pretty weird. Secondly... judging. You had a few grammatical errors — in some places, commas were needed, and in some places, you shouldn't capitalise things. I guess the whole capitalisation thing goes with the gaps. Maybe you wrote it on Microsoft and it malfunctioned or something? I mean, usually stories with THESE quotation marks (“”) are written in Microsoft and the ones with these ("") are written directly into the Mibba box. I don't know. Anyway, you didn't have any spelling mistakes, I don't think: which is a plus. But then the grammar mistakes you had were a minus.
Concerning your layout. I found it hard to read (but maybe it's just me, I have horrible eyesight, haha). Maybe you should've just made the entire story background black or white, because I'm not certain that changing the colour of the text would do any good. On the other hand, I think your story was pretty creative. I only deducted two points here because of, well, two reasons: 1) vampires, a topic which is pretty cliché, and 2) it was located in a bar. And, uh, the first paragraph and second were kind of confusing. But anyway, I think that I had no clue what was going to happen between Vince the vamp and Ophelia — that's a good thing. Your story's not predictable, even for 355 words.
The theme was incorporated well. :) The rules... okay, you totally rated appropriately, but making a legible layout was part of the rules. You didn't exactly have a romance, but you definitely didn't have a fiction. The summary? You included everything, so that's good. The story plot is pretty much the same as the originality/creativity situation. You know, the vamp and the bar part. But overall, the story was intriguing. I liked it.