Suffocation. - Comments

People, please, for the love of god, NOTIFY FOR SPOILER ALERTS. I like to glance at comments first, and immediately seeing what's in a story puts me off quite a bit. If you want to talk specifics, msg the author! They would probably love feedback like that!

This isn't what I would usually read, because it's so dark & a little creepy haha. but I actually kinda liked it :3 I didn't know Nathaniel was engaged! & I don't get what Hawley wants from him! Does she want him to abuse her, take advantage of her? Or does she want him to love her? Does she actually feel anything for Nathaniel? Keep up the good work (: Try making the next chapter a bit longer & explaining things some people didn't seem to understand.

Oh Lord this is awesome. I don't know how to describe this but maybe... You're creative? Yeah, I guess that's it.
Sorry, I'm not into the last chapter or chapter 4 because its too short to leave comment about.
I'm talking about the third chapter.
A question; why did Nathaniel give Hawley an apologetic smile and didn't just chase after his fiance?
Thank you. Keep going, this is so precious :)

Okay, this is amazing. You manipulate language in such a creative way. You also made the characters very real, and the topic is very interesting. I actually have never read a story like this, but I think that it is. The only problem is that you use hers instead of hes and thes instead of theys. I disagree and I think that the summary is fantastic. It may seem a bit selfish, but would you please continue this, PLEASE! I am recommending this.

Comment Swap) too short summary, and vague, none-desripticve?
(Chapter 4)
First off, interesting names you got there.
"much before", is "much, before"
More repettetive on the second paragraph, then is comfortable.
Sounds as if the end of this chapter is building up, preparing for a new chapter. In a good way too.
The vocabulary works well here, and the words flow freely.

This story seems to require several more chapters, since this chapter isn't making anything like an end.

There are a few interesting images in this story.

I can't quite see the ide of compusure at any and all cost, but I know it's custom in some cultures. I may have missed something explaining why, or it come later?

I Really Liked That Story , Umm PLEASE Continue.
♥

I just realised I entered the same contest as you. I'm scared.
But my story wasn't finished anyway. Oh well.

Chapter 3:
...man with the chalk in his hand.
Gah again! Great that you didn't just say Teacher. I wish I was that creative.
Hawley didn't want to stick around to see who would cast the first stone.
Hmmm. Amazing, but you get the picture. Picture being you're amazing, and so is your writing.
I think the end of this chapter was good, but it seemed like the last sentence was cut off. Might want to check that.
And yes, I'd love it if you continued this story after the contest.
Comment or PM with a link, and I'll read.

Good luck!

Chapter 2:
Gah! He locked her in the room. (Haha that happened last chapter) Why?
She was no doubt drunk from this roller coaster she was strapped to.
You're awesome. Really.
Loving the description of the truck.
When she opened her eyes she was laying in bed beside Mr. Kerrisgon.
Okay, freaky. Once again, this sentence would do good as a seperate paragraph, too.
She wanted him to hold a .22 caliber revolver to her head and have the nerve to pull the trigger
Ah-mazing!
I like it how you don't overdo the sex, too. It's better that way, especially it you're going to have it that frequently.
Oh, a fiance. Interesting..

Chapter 1;
She held her head high and with every toss of her chocolate brown hair hearts collapsed.
Okay, um, wow.
Mr. Nathaniel Kerrisgon always got what he wanted.
Loving the bluntness of this sentence. I think it would do good as a paragrapgh of it's own too.
She thought this entrance would be beautiful and special. It wasn't; it was cold. He felt nothing for her.
Very sad.
And the last chapter was once again amazing. Zombie, whore... I love it!

Prologue:
I love how you compared the two of them, sentence by sentene in that first paragraph.
And then how you compared the way they felt about each other in the second and third.
The fourth was absoluetly lovely. She wanted him to destroy her.

I love it already.

Firstly, I have to say that the prologue for this story was brilliant. I really, really liked it. You roused my curiosity immediately.

Secondly, I don’t have much to say other then I really quite enjoyed it. Pointless, I know – and completely unhelpful in the way of constructive criticism – but there really isn’t anything else I can say. Coming from me it’s quite a compliment. I mean, unless your name is Chuck Palahniuk, you’ll have a hard time keeping me interested past the first chapter.

Well done.

amazingly creepy.

This story is such a mystery. CONTINUE!!!

This is lovely! haha You are doing a mighty fine job with it! :)) I'm definitely subscribing!