When Grass Began - Comments

Reviewed as requested

Okay, admittedly, I'll probably just do a few. As in, two or three chapters. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful but... -.-

Title - When Grass Began
Random title dude! But I like random titles :)

Rated: 10/10

Layout & Banner
Nice layout, I'm not too picky about that. The banner is, coincidently, my background image for my formspring.

Rated: 10/10

Prologue
She walked on, no matter how badly the pain hurt.
^What happened?!

She fell to the ground, clutching the skin around her heart...
^The biology student in me is going 'Wait, what?' Hearts don't have skin around them. >.> But ignore that.

In too much pain, she didn't realize that her wish had just came true.
^Okay, now I'm really curious.

Good work on drawing the reader in with your summary.

Chapter One
"Honestly, Hal," I looked down at little Lusie and sighed one more
^once?

I looked at Hal, telling him that they would talk later.
^Huh? we instead of they right?

Suddenly she tore through my heart with words that stung so badly, I grabbed the scissors on the cheesy purple table in front of me and stabbed my arm in hopes of hurting the woman inside.
^Fuck. She needs help. Like seriously. Fuck o.O

I slowly turned, the bloody scissors dropping out of my hand as I stared at the man in front of me.

"Remy, I think you need some help."
^OMG. She was caught?! -gasp-

I can't say anything. I'm too eager to read a more... o.O

Chapter Three
Furiously she slashed my thighs with a knife that Hal always kept near the front door in case of a burglar emergency.
^What.The.Fuck?! Is Melrose a demon or something?

And as Hal, my perfect husband was running down the steps, the gun was fired.

He was dead.
^ ..........................
0_0
I...
I can't...
I'm speechless.

Chapter Three
Lusie stumbled through the gigantic door with a breakfast tray.
^That's it, this family's demented. All of them. Except maybe for Hal. But then again, he's dead.

Oh screw it. I'm subbing.

Dude, I'm sorry I couldn't really do a good review, because I was all oohing and gaahing but really, I couldn't do anything else. Great thriller this one, good work!

Read on, you'll see :)

Its so sick and twisted but it works so well with the way you are writing it! I honestly didn't expect anything that happened. So is Melrose really taking over or is it just a mental thing and she feels like she is possessed?

I only read the first chapter, just to get a taste of the story if you will.
I like the name of the story, it's different.
Very, unique. Interesting. It made me wonder and it made me want to read it.
The prolouge was really short but it again made you wonder and it made you want to see where this is going.
I love the layout too.
Especially the picture, the girl swinging back and forth.
I'll be back to read more for sure =D

The prologue seriously took my breath away! You have a very poetic way to your writing ^_^

The story itself is such an amazing idea. I love it!

I agree with gabby about the title. I love it. It made me want to read it more. I was full of curiosity. It's a great story though. Love the descriptions.

The prologue was darling. Tense, yet beautiful. Spectacular opening, you should be proud of that xD
I love your stlye, very intriguing plotline.
In the second chapter, I really liked the point of view and character you chose. Quite surprising, and not many stories revolve around a family situation, so nicely realistic.

"her toes and heels bleeding from the glass spread across the ground." - I don't know why, I just really like that line<3

This was very interesting, different than most stories on here.
I really liked it :]

Everything about this is amazing. The whole thing was like an acid sequence, but everything was understood. Everything had a purpose. I love it.

*subscribes*

Some of the italics didn't work!
Dude I was already loving it when I read the summary.
I read it all and ...wow. The descriptions are just amazing. It felt...real you know?

I agree with what PaperClipBracelets said about Melrose.

Great

:}

Okay, I really, really like this. (:
You write so well, and it all flows together perfectly.
It also kept me interested the whole time.
:D
Great job! (:

I really love the title. I think your writing is really nice with a lot of great flow to it. I like that your main character is married and has a child, because on here you rarely see characters like that and it adds a lot to her insanity in a way, because making her someone that you could know makes it seem more realistic.

I do think that it would have been a bit more interesting if you hadn't exactly told us what or who Melrose was in the begining and had her talking with her and listening to her. I think it would add more suspence to the story.

Bwahaha...it's sick and twisted...just how I like them >:D
It's wonderful writing. I kind of get the feeling like I'm not sure whether she's being possessed or she's just got some sort of mental disease...either way, you've pulled it off wonderfully.
How old is her daughter though? I'd just like to know...
There was one thing in either the first or second chapter where you had a "herself" in the narrative, when everything else is in first person.
But other than that, I didn't see any mistakes.
I'd really like to know what the title means though.... :D
Awesome job, and I love the banner.
~Icamane

I love the strangeness of the title, to be honest. It makes you wonder.

She moved sluggishly toward the refrigerator, her feet dragging across the floor. A glass was in her hand, slipping from her palm and onto the floor.
I don't like how you used floor in both sentences, maybe change it up to ground or tile or something?

I looked down at little Lusie and sighed one more. I looked at Hal, telling him that they would talk later.
Once more? And would it be they as in Lusie and Hal, or do you mean we?

Otherwise, this is simply fantastic in a sick, twisted way. I think that it's moving a tad fast, maybe draw out some more ideas, but it's still amazing nonetheless.

You've got a super story here, seriously man, it's great. :)

The prologue was very poetic. I loved the way it flowed, it was amazing.
The rest of the story is also very well written, I enjoyed reading it and I'm on edge for what comes next.
I like the idea that there's someone in her head tormenting her, it's very well portrayed and I love what you've done to make the main character that more insane. :)

Wow.
You portray pain excellently. When she harmed herself in the second chapter, that caught me up really well. The title doesn't make much sense, maybe I need to read on.

Intruiging aspects<3

Okay like everyone else, Im wondering about the title but this book is deep. I like how you create your atmosphere for each chapter. It helps the reader*thinks* feel (if thats possible) like theyre actually there. Lol Idk maybe Im crazy, and need to take some of Remy's pills XD great job none-the-less.

I find the summary interesting.
But I'm not seeing a connection between the title and story itself.

Anyways, I think this is well written. Short opener, but good descripition.
A tad confusing, but not bad.
Keep up the good work though!
=)

Very, very well written, this has to be one of Mibba's best! The title was something that if I saw in a bookstore, I would pick this book up. The summery was like the hook, line, sinker, because after that, I couldn't stop reading.

The descriptions are awesome, the way you describe things is just...like I can actually feel it. I'll stick around to see how this story progresses,

This is really confusing, but it's extremely well-written and very interesting. I've never read anything like this on here, and you have me intrigued to see what will happen next. Well done =)