December 27th, 2015 at 03:05am
Hate This and I'll Love You - Comments
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Honestly, I don't remember the last time I've read anything like this. In that, I mean Harry Potter, only because most of what I've found on here wasn't that great. Your story definitely changed that for me, though. I was only going to start with the first couple of chapters but I ended up reading the entire thing because wow. I think a lot of writers (unintentionally) romanticize abusive relationships and I love that it was accurately depicted in this. Props to you for third person and the way both of your writing flows with that. Honestly, I couldn't even tell that there were two different authors. There were a few grammatical errors, but other than that, I have nothing to complain about, haha. I did figure out, though, that I still hate Draco as much as I did when I was little, only for a different reason. This was really good, overall, and I will be checking back to read more of your stuff. November 18th, 2015 at 03:33am
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While I was once a bit of a HP fan, and can understand the characters/terms, this isn't something I would typically read. Although I did read up up Chapter 11. I like the way you use third person to shift between point of views flawlessly and I enjoy how you portray the characters since sadly I could see Malfoy growing into this type of person. I will be adding this to my subs so I can maybe read more when I get the extra time!November 17th, 2015 at 05:54am
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I'm not a fan of Harry Potter that much so unfortunately, I might not be able to understand all the terminologies used.
All the seats were pretty much taken. No one would make room for Melanie Parker. She was nothing, a nobody, without Draco at her side — which he wasn't at the moment.
Proofreading is a must! You should proofread at least twice. If you're not entirely sure about a sentence or clause, you can say them out loud — it helps, promise!
As for the cliffhanger, it's a good idea but the wording and sentence structure doesn't match the purpose. You should structure the sentence to something that stars and ends with impact. Just saying "a gentle hand grabbed her arm and pulled her back" is not enough. This also brings up the topic of description which the first chapter lacks a little bit. From what I've read, it was more of telling rather than showing. There are a lot of sights in the internet about adjectives for physical appearances. Perhaps that can help you supply the missing words in your description. In addition to that, the details you put into this must develop the backstory, establish a mood or simply describe the setting. These three things may not advance the plot in a snap but providing backstory can help the reader understand why the character made this decision or did this or that. Ultimately, kudos for writing this! There are not a lot of stories with substance in the world. Also, I've taken a peek at some Harry Potter fanfics in other sites and I can say this is one of the better stories out there. Good job!November 15th, 2015 at 04:56pm -
Mibbaween Treat!
I love the colors you’ve chosen for this layout the lighter tones are beautiful and so opposite of everything I think of when I think of Draco Malfoy. That being said, your summary made me curious, I had to sit up a little when I read ‘dark secret’. Mysteries are always a good thing.
Chapter One: with a story like this it is easy to get lost in the famous descriptions that fans already know like the back of their hand, but you don’t. You don’t describe surroundings as much as you describe her Melanie’s emotions. I love that. I also love the imagery of the ‘wall of students’
Chapter Two: The tension between Melanie and Harry is palpable! I love who you write it, and I love the subtle comparisons between Harry’s warmth and Draco’s cold demeanor. You’re writing wasn’t rushed like I expected it to be with a scene like this, until the end when the train jolted, but that was good rushing!
And on another note. I didn’t realize this was written by two people. Bridget and Rachel, your writing flows together beautifully and you make an amazing team.
Because I couldn’t stop at ch. 2: there’s a part in the beginning of ch. 3 that doesn’t make sense. … before desperately trying to scramble off of him. that’s the beginning of ch. 3 but you said in ch. 2 that Harry landed on top of her. But the abuse Melanie endures from Slytherin. I kind of want to punch someone for her! Draco’s face was made of stone as he glared down at you her.
I love this! And I'm subbing! Great jobs!October 31st, 2015 at 04:22pm -
Right of off the bat, the summary had me hooked. It reads like a summary you'd see on the back of a book in the bookstore which is great. And then the layout; it's very simple and neat and easy on the eyes which I love. The banner is great and I think that tells so much about the story before even reading it.
I had to keep myself from screaming as I read the first three chapters! I knew what was coming; I had a feeling in my stomach what was going to happen with Draco and poop Melanie and I knew as soon as the business with the train started someone was going to catch wind of it! The whole scene with Melanie and Draco wonderfully. My own heart was racing and I could feel myself like angrily gripping my mouse as I was scrolling, haha.
I also didn't even notice this has two authors! Your writing flows so brilliantly that you can't tell it's not one person writing it all. I am admittedly quite hooked. When I have a little more time I might be reading more of it till the end. Overall, from what I've read so far it's magnificent!October 23rd, 2015 at 07:33pm -
Okay, any story that has Lupin still at Hogwarts after third year is great by me. That's my cinnamon roll :')
Anyways, I really liked this story!! I agree with the person below me, Harry and Melanie's relationship did seem kind of rushed, but it was only a minor thing compared to everything else. I like the way you portrayed Melanie before Draco started abusing her compared to her in the present time; you really showed how much she changed and how shy and scared she became. Portraying abuse without romanticizing it can be hard, but you pulled it off! I love HP stories of any kind because Harry Potter's been my favorite book since I was about 6, I think?? So I really loved this. Great job!October 14th, 2015 at 01:34am -
okay, I read through the entire story so I could get a clear picture of not just your writing over the chapters but the character building.
My first point is that in the beginning the writing was choppy. It wasn't bad, grammatically, but it didn't flow smoothly. Now, as the story went on, that part kind of worked itself out to flow better. My writing did the same exact thing once upon a time until I got older aka graduated from college. Haha.
As far as the story in general, I feel you approached a very different side of Draco that not many really take into consideration. We all know he is violent from the books with Harry but I liked how you linked it back to his father, how he grew up, and how he loved Melanie. He's just a little twisted (but his family has been twisted his whole life practically)
I do, however, believe you could've built the relationship between her and Harry a little better. It was kind of quick the way it all happened. For Mibba's sake though, I understand why a lot of us writers force people together so quickly in order to gain reader attention. Unless you're writing a book, you've gotta make things happen.
Overall I can say it's not a terrible read especially for Harry Potter fans. The beginning could use some writing work in terms of fluidity and character building. I did enjoy the read though and I thank you for entering my candy bowl! I hope this helps you.
A.October 13th, 2015 at 04:32pm -
DoubleOctober 6th, 2015 at 06:31pm
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Chapter one:
I'll admit, I was slightly apprehensive about reading this, as I'm not a huge fan fiction fan, but I was pleasantly surprised! This is really well-written so far and I like Melanie's character. I'm excited to read more and see how Draco will react.
Chapter two:
The glimpse into their first year made me smile, and you inserted her into the trio's lives there really naturally, which can be difficult to do, so well done! So far it seems that she and Harry have a good chemistry, so I can't wait to see where this goes. I'm hoping she dumps Draco soon!
Chapter three:
This chapter made me so angry! Draco can't just yell at her for being around a guy while he has a girl in his lap! This is not how that works. I get being protective but he's obviously abusive and I just want Melanie to escape that. So far I'm liking how you use a popular platform and characters to address a very real and serious issue.
Chapter four:
Oh man, it got real! The fight scene was really well written and very realistic. Secretly hoping this is the end of Mel and Draco but knowing it probably isn't. Still definitely 150% rooting for Harry here.
Chapter five: AW HARRY HOW CUTE ARE YOU!!!!!! Gah he got detention for her he's perfect. I love the way you portray him. Draco is a jerk and I can tell he isn't even sad that he accidentally hurt her. Hate him. So. Much.
Overall I absolutely love this and am going to continue reading!!October 6th, 2015 at 06:04pm -
I was only going to check out the first five chapters, but then I got dragged in and I couldn't escape! I ended up reading all of it... this was amazing and I was held captive by your words. Great job!September 21st, 2015 at 07:53pm
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I would honestly kill for a sequel oh my god. Even if it was just a one shot or even a drabble. This was a wonderful story that hit close to home for me. You accurately portrayed victims of abuse and Draco had the mindset that most abusers have as well.July 3rd, 2015 at 06:28pm
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@ losing control.
(Mibba isn't loading your profile comments so let's see if it goes through here.)
BLESS YOUR SOUL FOR THAT COMMENT
Yeah, when I was editing I felt like we rushed the relationship, but in the flashbacks we see that they had always tried talking in class and being friends, it just didn't work like an actual friendship should, I guess. Also because of the thirst for a love relationship we sort of created this connection, where they both "think" about it's weird how drawn to each other they feel. I think this reflects a lot of relationships, but not all.
I'll take a look at every mistake you pointed out. I have no idea about the tense changes. Sometimes I do that on my own so it's probably something I wrote and didn't even realize. I also edited everything without my glasses on the other day, so it's really helpful to have info on what I missed/made worse haha Thank you so, so much
June 22nd, 2015 at 02:52am -
Ahh, that ending though. Dear god.
I enjoyed this story. I liked that you put an original character in the HP universe, and made a Slytherin become friends with the trio. You also wrote the abuse really well, in the way that it all seemed real. You know what I mean? Draco and Melanie's actions perfectly reflected what was going on in there relationship.
I wish we got to see a bit more of the relationship progression between Harry and Melanie though. Considering they only met each other briefly in first year, and then Melanie wasn't allowed to be friends with anyone ever because Draco is an ass. Harry seemed to jump to saving Mel really fast even though they didn't know each other well, and the word "love" was thrown in super early. I think it would have helped with the character development as well, to have their relationship develop more, but that's just me.
There was a few things I found:
Chapter 2
Watch the tense switches. You changed tenses between the first chapter and the second one. I'm not sure if that was because you switched authors, but it felt a little awkward.
“Hello,” A girl asked, “May my friends and I join you ?” She had bushy brown hair and her two friends had striking read hair and a deep black hair color.
"Read" should be "red".
The second half of the chapter is italicized even though the flashback ends before that.
You also have spaces after your questions marks, and some other random punctuation, in some chapters. It's usually in the dialogue, but there was some within a couple sentences as well.
Chapter 4
As she was about to pull away and grab the scarf, before she could even more her hand from his face
Having "before" in this sentence felt awkward to me.
Chapter 10
Yes, she was. That was laughter. Harry let one hand linger over her back as she laughed; he hadn’t heard her laugh since the train right to school.
"Right" should be "ride"
Chapter 15
She’d asked him to dance, and since she was the first one besides Melanie to as, and he was feeling a bit jealous, he accepted.
The "as", after Melanie to, should be "ask".
Chapter 17
He could just see it, he could just picture Malfoy throwing his fists into the defenseless girls face.
"Girls" should have an apostrophe.
But yes, I enjoyed this! I hope you end up writing a sequel sometime, I think it could be really interesting!June 21st, 2015 at 11:52pm -
please update!!!! draco needs to get his ass kickedFebruary 23rd, 2013 at 01:09am
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So good! Can't wait to find out what happens! Harry needs pull out his wand and do Sectumsempra spell!November 15th, 2012 at 05:11am
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So good! Can't wait to find out what happens! Harry needs pull out his wand and do Sectumsempra spell!November 15th, 2012 at 05:11am
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I'm ADDICTED to your story... pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeee update soon!September 6th, 2012 at 02:36am
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I love it so far! Please update soon! I want to see Harry vs. Draco ^.^ (but I get the feeling someone is going to step in and stop it)August 6th, 2012 at 08:47am
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im addicted to this story c: update soon?July 28th, 2012 at 03:52am
Okay, fresh off the bat, I love the layout. It's clean, soft and the colors work out perfectly!
I lowkey love Draco because of his dang, snarky character in the books so let me tell you straight up that I kinda rejoiced when I saw this.
I love Melanie
When Mel met the trio, my heart was so happy. They all seem to click so quickly.
DRACO, MAN, BE GOOD TO MEL OKAY
I want to say how glad I am to have all this background info in the first three chapters. I love how easy you both made the flow because not much stories have this quality! The writing seriously made me want to reread the HP series
Now I'm on chapter three and I love Harry
HE’S SO KIND
I LOVE HIM FOR HIS SWEETNESS TO MEL
The way he makes her feel omg
Omg omg
uhgggghhhhhhh
FLINT
UGGGH DRACO
I'm going to be honest and say that I don't normally read anything about abuse because it just makes me so uncomfortable but when I read this, there was a nice flare to it. I try to stray away from abuse written stories but for some reason, I stuck with your amazing story (for over 2 hours lol). You give this nice quality of Draco, his damn personality and how he screws with Mel’s head to a point where I honestly dislike him. You've written his character very nicely and professionally.
I'm done.
DRACO AND PANSY
Like why?!?! :-(((((
Mel is so fragile right now like I just wanna give her a hug
DRACO, CHILL OKAY
Let go of the girl’s wrist
Bye, Pansy
HARRY OMG
please be this girl’s Prince Charming
He's willing to risk so much for her
AWWWWWWW
My goodness, Draco, you ass
U ASS
HARRRRRRRRRYYYYY, I still love u for standing up to Draco-the-butt, okay?
chapter 5:
Harry and the sharing book thing and the whole taking the trouble thing UGH MAKIN MY HEART MELT
that was so cute
Dammit Draco, she ain't your girl
screw u for hitting mel SCREW YOU, DRACO
I kinda love how Hermione and Ron are so welcoming of Melanie! Their personalities are so enduring and sweet and downright hilarious at some points of the story.
chapter 7:
screw u, draco (again)
I kinda hated the part where he beat mel UGH
HE MAKES ME MAD
chapter 9:
UGH HARRY LOVES HER
I knew it ha ha ha
Now we just need Mel to admit it to Harry
chapter 10:
why does Mel keep hurting herself
damn u, Draco
I'm kinda happy Hermione was there for her
DRACO U ASS
I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE TO SAY IT TO GET IT TO MEL’S HEAD (I know, I'm crazy haha)
I'm actually really happy she was laughing
She deserve a little light (-:
chapter 11:
YEAH YEAH MEL TELL DRACO STRAIGHT UP
CONFRONT THAT MFUUUUU
Urgh Draco makes me mad
Harry UGGGGHHHHB SO ADORABLE
I want Mel to be happy
mhm, teach the kid a lesson yo
Don't be ridiculous, Draco. You're a meanie
TWO WEEKS YESSS
UGH, he's there?!?!?!?!??!
I'm so sorry this comment was so long
I love both of your writings so dearly. It's the type where you make people want to write. It's amazing and it's very clean. Both of you have this touch in your words that make me think, “dang, these girls need to be published soon.”
So sorry this comment was so late (-: