Forbidden Love - Comments

This is really good, you're a great writer and I'm loving this story!
Update soon, love :*

This is awesome, but when will it be updated again?

Write. More. Now. It's. Amazing. Write. More. Now. xxx

This is really good Ellie! Now it's up to me, yikes I have a lot of work to do. (:

Thankyou for pointing out the mistakes. I edited them in chapter 1 and I will be asking Anwen to correct her mistakes. There's so many you pointed out she may have to re-write that chapter (not in a bad way) if we don't want to get reported.
Thankyou so much! (:

Right, I'm going to give you a story review - beware - con and crit.

title

Okay, the title makes me want to read it - but maybe that's because I'm into stuff like forbidden love, such and such. But the title is great.

summary

No spelling or grammar mistakes - get's straight to the point. But what people want to know is what the riddle is - so I makes me want to read more! Congratulations on that.

chapter 1

I've spotted a mistake: I looked up starring into his chocolate brown eyes. Shouldn't starring be staring? I think it should, but don't worry.
The first paragraph really grabbed my attention, and the description here, was my favourite in that paragraph: his lips curving up into a smile.
I also like this line, because it is realistic, and nonetheless beautiful: His eyes lit up, smiling like a little boy who had just been handed an action figure.
they didn’t need to dress up for Halloween! Hahaha, I know what you mean.
They gasped jumping up in shock. I think it should be a comma after gasped? Just a thought, I may be wrong though.
The characters are portrayed very well - Lilly is comforting, and a generally nice person who often reassures - which is brilliant. And Rashel seems independent, brave and maybe tough. She's such a strong girl, which makes girls in general look up to her as a role model.
“When the night is bright and the moon has risen. There will be horror, as more than one will be imprisoned. The screams of the night will come clear as the warning bells will ring for fear.” - This part is extroadinary, honestly, that is some wonderful poetry you have going there.
I don’t know what’s going on but I have a feeling I think there is a comma after on.
Overall, that chapter was brilliant Sophie, you have true potential - and every writer makes a mistake somewhere along the line.

chapter 2

What was I going too do? I believe it is to and not too.
I think you could have said what the demon looked like, what his voice was like - was it strong, brave, powerful, intriguing?
And also, why does he hate vampires? The demon seems awfully straight forward - and I think Rashel is starting to loose that independence of hers.
but the fear was slowing me down. This line is one of my favourites in the second chapter.
" No you can't" I know that is before what I said above, I think. But I believe it should be "No, you can't."
"WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME?" I yelled at the top off my voice. Okay first off on this sentence, the capitals don't look right, I think there should be an exclamation mark as well as a question mark, just to emphasise that she's shouting, and it's a question. And the description of how she said it was good. But maybe screamed would fit better? Or maybe shouted?
"I want to kill everyone on this world!"
"WHAT!" I think it would be better if she said why, and maybe he would explain, then readers wouldn't be as confused.
It wasn't a question. I just said that so he thought I didn't understand This is straight forward - but I don't think a demon is that stupid, and I don't think the demon thinks Rashel is deaf - she's a vampire.
"Allan!" I cried and he came rushing out. He saw the demon and changed form. No one was around to see us, so it didn't matter if we weren't in human form.
"Where did he come from?" Asked Allan Right, this segment is awfully rushed - take your time - don't have to need to rush to the action. Also, if he changed form, how is he talking?
"In my dreams" I answered back
"What?" He asked confussed
"He wants too kill everyone In the would" I said scared this time
"Yes thats right I'm going to kill I am going to kill every one on this planet" He said with a smile on his face
"No way" I shouted.
"Your not going to lay a hand on anyone!" Allan cried out Right, from here down, the mistakes came tumbling in. "In my dreams." There should be a full stop at the end you see. There should be either full stops or commas at the end of dialogue - since I'm not pointing out every one you've missed. The bit where Allan asked 'confussed' I believed confused is mispelt.
He wants too kill everyone in the would - I believe it is too, and also world. And then when she replied, scared. There is a comma before you mention how she says it.
"Yes thats right I'm going to kill I am going to kill every one on this planet" - Yes, that's right. I'm going to kill everyone on this planet. I see you have repeated I'm going to kill?
"Your not going - It should be you're - with a capital.
All of a sudden Allan pounded on this demond from my dreams and attacked him. - pounded? Is it bounded or something like that? And also there should be a comment after sudden, and you've mispelt demon.
For some parts you've mispelt Rashel, you've been putting Rashle.
allan Always capitalise names!
"Hey don't be scared I'm here!" He wants to kill Every one on this world If he a demon or werewolf kills anyone I get weaker and weaker with every person that dies."Come In my house we need to think of a plan" I would look over this paragraph, to me it just doesn't make sense, and you've put way too many speech marks.
around my waist my waist. No repeat, I believe.
cattering Teeth. chattering teeth.
You've missed out a lot of apostrophes, I would look over that.
fell shouldn't this be feel?
Right, overall the chapter wasn't perfect, but it wasn't bad either. Remember to add description and watch out for mistakes.

layout

I missed this part out :L Anyway, the layout is lovely. Clearly matches love

overall

This definitely has potential, just watch out for mistakes - and I know everyone makes mistakes! But I re-read over some parts in the second chapter, and maybe undo mistakes in both. But this is a brilliant story - great plot and all. So keep up the good work. Sorry if I sounded harsh, but I have to point some bad things out. I don't want this story to get reported. Please don't take my crit the wrong way.

Thankyou for the comments everyone! I'm glad you like the story. XD

Sorry I couldn't edit *blushes*
But this is good, keep writing :)
Up to Sophie now,
although a tip Anwen, you may want to add a little more description,
hope I don't seem harsh :)
Keep it up

Thank you. :D I've got to be honest with you when I wrote the chapter I didn't know who it was, I left it up to shining stars to make that descision. :L XD

i seriously luv this, dude! u have 2 rite more, i wanna c who it is!!!!!!!!!

this is amazing sophie sorry it tookme so long to read but I have read it now. I am going to suscribe as well

Thankyou Anwen. XD I can't wait to see what you're going to do with it. XD

great so far going too do the next bit noe soph thaks fopr doing this story with me thanks bye

Thankyou. :) And thankyou for making the layout it's awsome. And Anwen's doing the next chapter, can't wait! XD

Omg, this is amazing!
I love it :)
keep writing :D

Thankyou. :) and no, my friend Ellie did I give her credit for that, look her up her name is Clattering Bones. I am doing the story with my cosion Anwen. She's doing the next chapter fingers crossed that it's good.

i love it it was wickedy awesome you keep writing it. and i love the layout did you make it?