February 19th, 2011 at 09:15pm
First of all thank you for entering my contest even if I promised to be harsh. Please don't get mad at me.
Now lets start with what I liked.
1)A couple of sentences caught my attention: “He was holding me captive, and my heart was his right hand man. “ “It was the same cookie-cutter excuse ...” “Scream.”..
2)The beginning and the ending tied up together perfectly, which is really rare nowadays.
3) The plot itself was good and the writing style was well.
Although: 1)There were sentences that bugged me. The sentences the kept on repeating. The sentences about her stupidity. It just didn't seem realistic. She knew, that she was saying wrong things, she should have stopped, because she was not saying them to spite him. There are people who have too long tongue, but even they eventually realize when to shut up. Also the none- stopping kicks didn't seem realistic. She stayed conscious, when she should have blacked out simply from shock and pain. She experienced head trauma and barely stood, yet she managed to run outside, perhaps it was hope overpowering her.
2)Details. You say pain and it doesn't mean anything. It's just a word. Play with it. Describe. Was it dull, was it stabbing, scalding, scorching? She screamed. How loud, how petrified, how foreign she sounded to herself? How desperately her voice wavered?
That's all. Please don't get mad. The story is really well written, I guess I'm just not used to reading about abuse. And besides it might be jealousy speaking, as you are a really good and talented writer.
I love it so much.
Even though I believe her boyfriend should be shot in the penis.