The White City - Comments

Got me hooked already :)

The summary is really good. You offer up a different perspective on "running away". I like that. Because I've always thought that, you know what? Sometimes the smartest thing to do is give up and move on. So I liked that you gave that perspective on it, instead of the same old, same old.

Ha. Okay. I can definitely relate to this girl. I used to share an apartment with a few people and I never wanted to befriend any of them. And I felt like they rejoiced whenever I left. So you've done two things. 1) Made your character relatable and 2) by extension of number one, given me a connection to your character. That's a really good thing to do. ;D

I found a few mistakes throughout this, such as this: "You look much pretty with that hair." Pretty should be prettier. And toward the end: "I spent years trying to wash away the memories, but now they just came flooding back." Came should be come, because this entire thing is in present tense. Also, when she was talking with Sarah, I didn't really like the part where you wrote out her thoughts in italics. It may just be me, but it seems like an amateur thing to do. You could convey those thoughts in a less blatantly obvious way.

But I really enjoyed reading this! You're good at drawing me in. It's what you write, yes, but it's also how you write it. How you made the scene unfold. You could have just made her walk into the bar, see Skeet, and that's that. But you were creative about it - you seem to know how to accentuate your ideas through your writing, so it's as exciting to read as possible. I just really like your writing style and it seems like you know exactly what you're doing with this. I'm gonna subscribe. <3

I really liked your summary and the statement about running away, it really makes you think. I see a lot of people go, “Oh, running away is for cowards who can’t face their problems,” so it’s quite interesting to see a story who has a different take on running away. It also piqued my interest because it made me wonder what happened to Dahlia to make her run away from all the problems in her life and how the past manages to catch up with her.

Epilogue? Don’t you mean prologue? Because epilogues go at the end, unless if this is one of those start at the end stories which goes back to the start.

Guns n Roses’ Welcome to the Jungle comes on the speakers and a bolt of electricity… You should italicise the song title, or put quotations around the song title. I’m not sure why you’re supposed to do that, but it’s like, a rule of English that you have to show it’s a title so yeah.

Ooh, this is getting interesting. It makes me wonder why Dahlia just up and left and ran away from all of her problems. I feel bad for Skreet for being left behind and having to clean up her messes. It made me wonder what went wrong with Dahlia’s family, as I suspect they’re the reason why she left ;o Good job so far :D

Wow, this is a really deep story. I enjoyed it.

I'm gonna be honest. When she was standing outside at first, I thought she was a prostitute. But, quite the opposite, right? I then thought that Skeet was her brother, but I'm guessing that's her ex. I enjoyed it. I really did. I wasn't expecting it and when the page wouldn't go down more I nearly freaked out.

This is an amazing story. Good thing you're re-writing it. I'm subscribing. Pleas update. I love the layout btw. It's really dark.

This is a re-write of my story The Blackest Years that was up from 2007-2008. From then, I've been trying to re-write it, but always hit a wall. I think I finally found my muse; let's hope nothing happens.