I finally got around to reading this. Sorry :(. Okay well I really like this because it seems cliche at first but I am assuming you are going turn it around :). Now, what you could try to do is to add bits of detail here and there and start sentences with different words instead of starting three sentences with the same word. It gives it more flare. But other than that this is a wonderful story with great characters and a very awesome layout ;).
This is was so so so so so damn good.