July 25th, 2010 at 08:10am
Thank You for the Entry! I enjoyed reading your entry. It leaves unanswered questions that in the end I do want answered. Hahaha. Did the mom survive? Did the rest of the family and her friends get the letters that she wrote? If it was my last day I would want to tell people how it is I feel about them and what importance they held in my life.
I noticed a few mistakes / word confusions:
1) I’d just finished school and was looking forward to go to university.
*I feel like it should say I just finished school and was looking forward to go to _____ University. I feel as though there should be a name for the university.
2)I needed a transplant or something immediately.
*This confuses me slightly. What exactly do you mean by or something
3)“ I needed someone. I remember looking up at her when she arrived.
The quotation marks needed to be closed
4)I used fight and bitch at her all the time.
I used to fight and bitch at her all the time.
5)I reach for pad of paper embossed with airline logo and a pen that matches.
*I reach for a pad of paper embossed with the airline logo and a pen that matches.
6)After all she’s been reassuring me for my whole life.
*There is no necessity for the word forin this sentence.
7)I mean , as I’m writing this I’m crying and when I cry I cry prettily and to be honest when you girls cry, you look like a mess.
*Where the words are bolded there should be an apostrophe between I cry I cry. I also feel prettily isn't the best word. I would say look for synonyms of that word to see which fits best.
8)She breaks out a sob as she gently.
*As she gently what?
9)The stewardesses dashes out and shout (shouts) to my mother to sit down, whilst another one come (comes) towards me and makes sure that the bed I am in is secure and safe
10) Consistently through out the story you put spaces between the last word and the period. Please make sure you work on that. Personally that bothers me, but it is also grammatically incorrect and if you do that in an essay professors / teachers minus points from you.
Don't get worried because of all of the mistakes I have pointed out. This is to help you as a writer. So you can see what it is that you do wrong and improve. But grammar is important to the writing contest so you points will be lost.
Good Luck!
I noticed a few mistakes / word confusions:
1) I’d just finished school and was looking forward to go to university.
*I feel like it should say I just finished school and was looking forward to go to _____ University. I feel as though there should be a name for the university.
2)I needed a transplant or something immediately.
*This confuses me slightly. What exactly do you mean by or something
3)“ I needed someone. I remember looking up at her when she arrived.
The quotation marks needed to be closed
4)I used fight and bitch at her all the time.
I used to fight and bitch at her all the time.
5)I reach for pad of paper embossed with airline logo and a pen that matches.
*I reach for a pad of paper embossed with the airline logo and a pen that matches.
6)After all she’s been reassuring me for my whole life.
*There is no necessity for the word forin this sentence.
7)I mean , as I’m writing this I’m crying and when I cry I cry prettily and to be honest when you girls cry, you look like a mess.
*Where the words are bolded there should be an apostrophe between I cry I cry. I also feel prettily isn't the best word. I would say look for synonyms of that word to see which fits best.
8)She breaks out a sob as she gently.
*As she gently what?
9)The stewardesses dashes out and shout (shouts) to my mother to sit down, whilst another one come (comes) towards me and makes sure that the bed I am in is secure and safe
10) Consistently through out the story you put spaces between the last word and the period. Please make sure you work on that. Personally that bothers me, but it is also grammatically incorrect and if you do that in an essay professors / teachers minus points from you.
Don't get worried because of all of the mistakes I have pointed out. This is to help you as a writer. So you can see what it is that you do wrong and improve. But grammar is important to the writing contest so you points will be lost.
Good Luck!