Just Don't Give up on Me - Comments

If you haven't noticed already, I've been reading some of your stories. This one is cute too. C:

So I've been gone for nearly two months -__- I apologise, I truly do. These prizes are taking forever but I swear to God, someday I will have given them all! Just don't hold your breath xD

Nine Nice opening line, providing intrigue as the reader wants to find out who is driving our dear Robbie insane. Of course, we do know who it is, but that changes little - and doesn't make the doting description of Tom any less adorable! I thought between 'he was my 'boss'' and 'it' instead of a full stop you could have used perhaps a colon or a semi-colon to make it a little less choppy and jarred. However, 'I wanted to absorb him, to take in every little feature of his face, to learn what makes him smile, to see when his eyes light up.' is just excellent! It is so true, I cannot even begin to express my delight to have found such a fitting description of... having a crush, I guess. I also very much liked the insight into some of the more minor characters such as Charlotte and her perceptiveness with the whole Robbie-crushing-on-Tom thing.
Likewise, the next paragraph was more Charlotte development, which I like. 'He wasn’t far away, if I wanted to, I could reach out and take his hand.' - I like this detail, as when you do fancy someone you do notice things like that; you could reach out and hold their hand, you could 'accidentally' brush your arm against theirs. I also thought that the noting that Tom had a 'strange emotion' in his eyes was very interesting and made me wonder what the emotion was...

Ten Good reference in the first paragraph to the questions us readers know the answers to but little Tom doesn't - it's really quite... delicious when there is such a situation in a story. 'Because while I had initially been attracted to the old Robbie, I could see myself falling for this one.' - This line was brilliant. It really epitomises the situation thus far: yes, the old Robbie was 'hot' but only bad boy hot - the new Robbie is actually kind and slightly endearing; the kind of guy you could fall for utterly.
However, as Tom reminds us giggly readers, he has a boyfriend. I found it amusing, and kind of sweet, how Charlotte has by this point taken on the role of matchmaker within this story. However, I cannot deny that I found Tom opening up to her so instantly a little unrealistic but that may just be personal preference over my characters being secretive and reserved. Nonetheless, I felt myself wriggling in my seat with temptation to somehow tell Tom that ROBBIE IS GAY when Charlotte bit her lip. Gah!
Then again, I found myself almost shouting at the computer screen when Robbie blatantly lied and Tom didn't see it. That is realistic though, and certainly added to the authenticity. And then, when Tom 'realised' that the drastic change in Robbie's behaviour had 'nothing' to do with him... He thinks his heart contracted painfully? Mine just about shrivelled into a teeny nothing. Of course, this just shows how well you have created realistic characters as if I do not care about characters I am indifferent to their pain. 'the small intake of breath I heard' - all I can say is: No Robbie! Aw schweetie, it'll be okay!

Now, I know I generally do three chapters in each comment but my laptop is about to die and I have no idea where the charger thingy has gone. So, I shall have to do four comments in the next one. I hope there'll be less time between that one and this than this and the one before it. I am really sorry. Peace!

Sorry, it's been an age, hasn't it? I suck at giving prizes; I have the other two winners still waiting too >.< Onward, onward!
Six - Yet again, nice smooth showing of how much time had passed since we were last part of the story, although I think the three shouldn't be written as a numeral. I loved the sociological insight about how when women reach their middle-agedness, they are reluctant to reveal their age and then afterwards they're like 'you know what? Fuck it, I don't care'. The description of Robbie's clothes - necessary, I think, for the reader to fully understand why Tom is thinking what he is - was well interwoven into the text, which is good. It's off-putting to see 'he was wearing this and this and this for this shop and this shop and this shop and they were this exact shade and-' so on.
'As I watched him, I saw a light pink cover his cheeks and I realised he was blushing.' I very much liked seeing this other side to Robbie's character. It adds a new dimension to him and shows that, despite everything, he isn't just a nasty git. I thought, though, that in the following sentence, 'grinning' and 'he' could have been joined with a semi-colon, just for effect. '“Everyone does something for a selfish ulterior motive,”' Yet another side to our Robbie! He seems rather philsophical almost now, or perhaps more psychologist-mode. The part where Tom is surprised that Robbie knows his name once they've had their mini-argument was again rather insightful - I myself, was surprised once when this person who I only really knew from around and through mutal friends had a pizza he was offering round and came up to me and asked me if I would like some using my name. It's usually quite a heartwarming thing, but I liked how you reversed that as in this situation they're arguing and so it isn't really heartwarming at all. '“You’re too fucking nice to someone who doesn’t deserve it,”' - Very nice! Is Robbie going to be our angsty, almost martyr-like character? I think so!

Seven - To be quite honest, I liked the way this chapter went but I thought it was a little fast paced for my taste. However, the opening line as usual pulled me in right away - you seem to have a knack for opening and closing lines! I rather liked Tom's small Gay Rights paragraph. It didn't go too much into the whole complex subject of LGBT etc. but it did show that he isn't afraid to face up to his sexuality and disagrees with the use of terms like 'fag' which adds more realistic-ness to him. ...but what if he hasn’t.' requires a question mark instead of a full stop (or 'period') at the end :) Also, I hadn't considered the idea that Robbie didn't have a home either; I just sort of presumed he did, crappy and broken though it may be to cause the behavioural difficulties he seems to have. It made me think, though. I thought Tom's idea of bribing Robbie with caffine and sugar was a good one that probably would have worked had this Cody guy not butted in.
This Cody. As of yet, we haven't had any physical description, which I thought was good - it preserves the sense of enigma that surrounds him, makes him all the more interesting. Of course, we don't know much about his personality either but we can infer that he too like Tom in the previous chapter thinks age is 'just a number' as he is twenty and so on. 'I left the muffins in my car.' This line really struck me. It's almost like Tom's just given up trying to work Robbie out - he's left the muffins in the car; he won't be bribing him with sugar today. I don't know why, but that felt really powerful for me and I loved it!

Eight - My, my, my this chapter was gorgeous. Let's start at the beginning, shall we? The first line, explaining how Cody and Tom have been dating for the past month was good - not too much detail into the actual dates which gave the reader room to fabricate their own ideas and situations. Then the description of the way Robbie makes Tom feel. I really thought that was quite effective, especially the way the sentence about knees going weak was structured. Somehow, it just sounded so much better than 'I would go weak at the knees'. After that, the comparison of Cody and Robbie. 'Sweet, attentive, caring.' Although we as the reader have no proof to substitute into this claim of Cody's character, I think we can trust Tom to understand his boyfriend rather well; by this point, we know Tom and esteem his judgement through the character development.
'I leant against the wall outside. Cody came to stand in front of me' I like these... stage directions (for lack of a better word in my sleepy mind). If you think along the lines of body language, although Cody is caring etc. etc., it becomes clear he is very much the driving force in his and Tom's relationship - he is the one 'in control'. This is then developed further as we learn of Tom's real reluctance to actually kiss Cody; 'I felt like I ought to stop him. I felt like I shouldn’t be doing this, that it was wrong.' and 'I didn’t want Cody kissing me…' are perfect examples.
I could actually empathise with Tom when he felt so wretchedly guilty over having to lie to Cody and not liking him enough and all of that, even though I've never been through even a slightly similar situation myself. I thought those whole two paragraphs were written wonderfully and I felt myself in fact worrying over what Tom was going to do about it and whether he was okay.
'I did like Robbie. I[should be 'a', not I] lot more than I should; a lot more than I liked Cody.' Stunned. This line was just the perfect ending to the chapter. The semi-colon use gave me a tingle down my spine.

For now, here my continuing review ends! I am ever more intrigued by your story and your writing style is delightful. Farewell!

Look who's back again with the long awaited continuing of your review!
Three- Nice introduction. Tells the reader both how much time roughly has passed and also that, for all his eagerness to help, even Tom can get bored. From there, I liked the way Robbie stayed in character. Sometimes people forget to keep their snarkies snarky but he had that attitude down to an art - I also though you added good effect when you said Tom was sitting a few feet away, just to slip in that extra bit of Robbie-is-no-angel.
'Instead of the scowl that had been his expression for the last 2 hours, he was now simply frowning, as though he looked confused.' This was excellent. It makes the reader think about how Robbie thinks and makes them want to read on to find out why he suddenly isn't scowling, so well done! The conversation between Tom, Mrs Andrews and Mr Greggs flows well. I can almost see the three of them gossiping in my mind; the dialogue used was very realistic instead of the wooden, staged trap people can fall into.
Robbie's sudden flare of anger is also good. It yet again shows how he isn't just rude, he's also got a bit of a temper. Slightly suspicious, too, the emphasis he makes on how it's his life and no one's going to boss him around - makes you wonder if there's more than just typical teen rebellion behind it. I adored the last part, where Robbie's glaring at him. Finshed the chapter off with a slightly eerie, tense edge which is something I always like to see.

Four- First two lines = this is going to be an attitude filled chapter. Loved it! The way Robbie's rebelliousness shines through in this chapter is just brilliant. I thought the way you got across his views on voluntary work was very well done - almost seemless, in fact, just like we're seeing the way Robbie thinks. The use of punctuation and wording was very effective in my opinion. It made the whole chapter really just seem like a reel of Robbie's thoughts. Perhaps you could have broken up the paragraphs a bit more though - they did look a little daunting when I first glanced at them, which can put some people off entirely, but it's a matter of personal opinion.
A favourite line or two of mine: 'If I wanted to be any clearer, all I needed was a fuck off stamped on my forehead. But, I think that would be a bit far, especially for old people. They’d probably have a heart attack.' xD I did in fact laugh out loud at this point.
However, I was pleased to see another side of Robbie too - 'I sat down heavily on the thin plastic bench and picked at my nails glumly.' I know he then goes on to say how it's because he's wasting his life away working in the nursing home but there's still the possibilty there could be something more to the glumness - after all, if he's so cool, why hasn't he got a flashy sports car to drive home in? The small conversation between Tom and Robbie had me near squeeing with the realisticness of it. I say this a lot it seems, but this time I actually could see the scene in front of me and Robbie telling Tom to fuck off and him not getting the message.
The use of a semi-colon in that last little sentence or so followed by a simple sentence - 'I didn’t want his help; I didn’t want anyone’s help. I was fine by myself.'... Man, that was just pure genius. So simple, yet a perfect ending to the chapter.

Five- 'I don't know why I bothered being nice to him.' Nope, me neither Tom, but Robbie's just got that vibe, I suppose. I thought that in the fourth paragraph, when Tom muses over whether Robbie is just an attention seeking pain or he is actually that angry with the world, it was a good choice. Tom's not blind; he's going to notice when someone's acting funny as much as the next guy. That's a mistake people do quite a lot - making their main character not see how the other person is more than two dimensional and stretching it on forever - and I was glad to see you didn't fall for it. However, I was also glad you had Tom doubting himself towards the end: we can't have him solving it all so early on! Also, nice slip in of Robbie's physical description there - very sneaky.
'I hadn’t meant to stare and I certainly hadn’t meant to get caught.'. I really liked this line because it basically... I don't know, sums up what everyone universally thinks when they realise they've been staring at someone who is now staring back, either very angry or very freaked out. It brings Tom further into the realms of relating-to-characters, which is always a good move to make. Robbie's reaction, too, is exactly as I would have expected. The shout, the language.
Yet again with the final lines! You have a talent for these, you really do.
'I couldn’t let Robbie get under my skin. Once he was there, I had a feeling it would be hard to make him leave…' I don't know if it was intentional, but this extract has such a double meaning. On the one hand, it can mean 'under his skin' in the common sense of getting on his nerves. However, on the other, it could mean 'under his skin and into his heart', if you know what I mean ;) It leaves the reader thinking, something that should be a constant main underlying goal throughout a book. Again, there's the little thing of I think Robbie's speech should have started on a new line but that's probably just my inner-bookworm-OCD coming out :) Apart from that, which is subject to personal opinion again, all three chapters have been free of any typos, grammatical errors etc. that I can think off. Excellent!

And here my section of the review ends until I can find more time once more. I have loved reading on into Tom and Robbie's story and I look forward to when I can continue to do so and continue to revel in your epic skills. Another three chapters shall be reviewed when possible, as usual. Tschüss!

AHAHA, fail xD xD xD Not all supposed to be in italics... Au revoir once more!

Finally, after many, many months of long waiting, here is your in depth and blunt review! I bet you thought I'd died or something... Anyway, onwards! Since it's chaptered, I'll write about each chapter individually.
Prologue - The first paragraph really sets the scene in my opinion. It has a nice balance between the physical aspects (the fact their in a courtroom, there're pews etc.) and the atmosphere, like how everyone is rather tense. Excellent use of commas in the second paragraph to add effect and same with the punctuation and sentence structure in paragraph three.
In the fourth paragraph there is a complex sentence which doesn't make sense: 'He kept his gaze forward, adamantly refusing to show the boy sitting at the table only a meter away from him, any sign of fear or regret.' - the comma after 'him' is unecessary :) When we reach the speech, there is the small issue of it not being very noticable. It's not a massive problem, but I think you're supposed to start on a new line when speech is introduced, just to make it clear to the reader it's not one long description/character's thoughts paragraph.
The boy then risked a glance behind him, to find those green eyes that he was so desperate to find. And when he found them, he felt his heart break; there were tears running down the brunette's cheeks as he gazed back.' Loved the use of a semi colon in this bit. Really added effect to the already lovely, although sad, ending which made me really want to read on.

One - I think in the first paragraph a comma where he is talking about being the kind of guy who gets bullied but hasn't been would be better than a full stop. In the second paragraph, I loved the description of the bad guys. I got a really good mental image of the kind of people they were when you said the bit about a dark alley - wonderful. The third paragraph continued to pad out these characters, which was good and something that is often forgotten to be done. I think you should have started paragraph four with something like In short, their behaviour was punishable but... so on and so forth, to stop anyone from jumping to the conclusion you were repeating yourself.
I though the description of Robbie was good but the end paragraph I found a little contradictory - at first, this nameless main character is a unopinionated-where-school-is-concerned wall flower and now, he's this geek intent on university and volunteer work? Despite this, the descriptions of himself were very good!

Two - Nice introduction to the chapter's subject, plus a little background family info on the main character which is always good for three dimensionalising them. The pace of actions (getting in, putting the bag down etc.) was written with good speed, which is a hard thing for many writers to do, so well done! Also, nice to see that speech getting fixed up ;) The way Charlotte was introduced was gorgeous - very simple, yet I see a whole, fully formed woman in my head with a full history to boot. I thought perhaps there could have been a little more surprise on Tom's part when Robbie walked in, but maybe that's just me. However, I liked Robbie's bluntness in his question - kept up the tough guy appearance and everything. Tough guys are always men of few words, are they not? I liked the pace of the conversation with Patrick, though - 'business men' are men of few words too. The ending line made me smile, which is always nice! Good punctuation and sentence structure variations throughout, I think! :)

For today, this is where my review ends. I have run out of time, my laptop is on the verge of death and I don't want to overwhelm you with one helluva big ass comment to read - I expect I shall continue doing my reviews in sections of three chapters each. I don't know when I'll next be able to review again sadly, but so far I have very much enjoyed reading this and have high expectations for th next chapters! Au revoir! :)

Argh, sorry I didn't comment in the last few chapters, but I just finished reading it and I completely love how you ended it. It couldn't have been more perfect :)
Well done

Personally, I think that was the perfect ending, having them reunite and all. It was adorable, really. And I'm glad that it turned out that great. I loved this story, it was probably my most favored one on my subscription list. I'm sad that it's over, but am very happy that I found it and was able to read such a great story. You're a fabulous writer, and I'll be sure to check out anything else that you've written! :D

Good gravy I'm going to miss this story. (:
But I loved how you ended it, it was so sweet. <3

that was sweet :]

the ending was great... i thought is was sweet and to the point... loved the whole thing XD

awwwww that was SOOO cute!!!!!!:D

I really loved this story.
So sad to see it end! :(

LOVED.IT.
I like how it ended...but I'm sad that it's over
I'mma miss this story :(

I loved this, it ended perfectly

Really? Only the epilogue to go? But...but....I don't want it to be over :(
I love this story! Like...LOVE it

ahhh!!! me likie this story lol : )
so uhhh... what happens after? ^_^
i wanna know!!!!! lol update, plz!!!!
^_^

im kinda in love with this story, can't wait for the next update! :)

*panicing* There-there's going to be a sequel, right?! I-i-i-I need a sequel!! Please tell me there's a sequel!!! *starts rocking back and forth in corner with knees up to chest mumbling 'sequel...'*

its gotten to sappy i dont like it, even though the bass of the story was good.... sorry