well, it has potential, but there are a variety of technical errors you could fix just to tighten it up and make it more clear. You switch tense a few times and there are a few little typos. One thing i like about it is that the thoughts tend to come out with a good organization and with sensibility, but some events seemingly jump from nowhere and do not any any depth to the story. Just needs a little more loving to the little things is all.
March 8th, 2008 at 03:05pm
