Wreckage at Sea - Comments

VengeanceIsMine (100)

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nice chapter :)
i liked it.. now i got to go write my part soon lol
hope your move goes well

May 24th, 2011 at 04:41am

Angel Devastation (105)

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I love it More soon?

May 19th, 2011 at 09:40pm

FuckNo (100)

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Age:: 34
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Bear with me, I'm in a bad mood and so while not completely intentional, the chances of this sounding incredibly bitchy are pretty high up there. Actually, almost a guarantee. I really want to like this story, I really do, but there are just so many moments that make me want to never be in a crisis with you.

First problem is that planes get hit by lightening ALL the time. Two strike of lightning to a plane is not going to make it catch fire. Guaranteed. Next, Harmony claims Nikkita Ross is completely unconscious in chapter 2, but then they don't seem to know each other in chapter 4 so I'm not really sure why she'd know this girl's name or know just from looking at her that she's unconscious and not dead. Also, Harmony clearly states that she's going to experience her first iceberg, which is then never mentioned again, which is kinda a thing you should mention again because it would indicate what climate you're in. You can't be on a warm island and have an iceberg next to it.

Next, slightly nitpicky, the word is 'definitely'. If you say 'defiantly' it means you're doing something in defiance (this one is in several chapters). Like, "Those creepy people told me not to walk down the hallway, but defiantly, I went anyway." Also, you only use 'an' when something starts with a vowel sound. 'An raven' and 'an suitcase' are not correct (chapter 4). Also in chapter four, 'plea's' is written. Pleas is plural, not possessive or a contraction, the apostrophe isn't needed. Plot wise in chapter 4, more emphasis should have been put on how epic dangerous it is to just pop someone's leg bone back into place. It's extremely dangerous and more than likely that leg is going to set wrong and just need to be re-broken anyway.

"The two co-pilots didn't make it. Were the only ones that survived." <--- We were the only ones that survived or we're the only ones that survived. Were is a verb with no subject and in the english language it's not done.

Also, why did everyone else in the plane die? It's never explained why a plane full of people died other than the seven people in this story.A fluke? An act of God? Also, did the pilots send a distress signal? They should have since it takes a little bit for a plane to crash, which means that the control tower has their last coordinates from when they started to go down.

Chapter 5. Capitalize the letter 'i' more often. Capitalize names. Jimmy. James. Zacky. They aren't jimmy and zacky or james and zacky. Proper names are always capitalized. Also, use an apostrophe. I'm is a word Im is not. Also, use quotations correctly. Either use the UK standard or the American standard. The American standard being start on the outside with double and then go single and then go back and forth from there.

"You know if you want things done your gonna have to work together" i replied as i stared at thier "hut".

That should be "You know, if you want things done, you're gonna have to work together," I replied as I stared at their 'hut'.

"And what do you know about working together "Miss Runaway from the group"?" the biggest guy of the group said as he tried to stare me down.

"And what do you know about working together, Miss Runaway-from-the-group?" or "And what do you know about working together, 'Miss Runaway from the group'?"

Also, while I'm remembering it. You're = you are. Your = possessive of you. Replace the word with 'You are' in a sentence. If it makes sense, use you're, if it doesn't, use your. There you go. Simple.

Chapter 6: "Do you have anything in here that would keep you warm?" Shaking my head, I reached out, and tugged the suitcase away from his grip.

Unless the plane has sunk into the ocean, technically everyone on that island has something to keep them warm because planes have pillows and blankets (crappy ones, but beggars can't be choosers) on them. All someone has to do is climb back onto the plane and take them. Survival clueless versus stupid. Neither of those terms exist. She's just stupid or clueless.

Chapter 7. Okay, so why, again, aren't they going onto the plane to search for some food to hold them over for a little bit? Presumably if they flew over an ocean, it's a long ass flight and depending on what point in the flight they went down, there's at least packages of pretzels on the plane and if you're lucky, lots of airplane food. “I am the leader because Women do not lead; they just get in the way and cause trouble. With you leading us we would all die and never get back home.” Why is Matt suddenly a misogynist? 'Next was Harmony siding with Brian most likely based on the fact Brian has been the one treating her nicely out of us all.' How does that make any bearing on whether or not she chooses the girl who helped her right away or the guy we've never seen help her?

Chapter 8: Gazing at the thick evergreen forest, I felt a twinge of sadness as I thought of home.

Where the fuck are they? Honestly, where are they? While technically evergreens probably can survive on an island, if they're on a tropical island it's highly unlikely. Evergreens are typically found in temperate climates.Then again, we also have a vanishing iceberg near this island so why not?

I'm not going to keep correct you every time you don't use apostrophes correctly. Learn how to use them.

Chapter 9. Start writing your chapters in microsoft word and using spellcheck. How the hell are they supposed to be knocking down trees, especially evergreens?

“Know I know these are good to eat “ he mumbled and took a bunch from the tree.

Now I know. Not 'Know I know'. Look up the difference between the two words. I'm far too annoyed to actually explain it.

Chapter 10: Why would they randomly look on the plane for rope but not food or blankets or pillows? Or, I don't know, start raiding the luggage on board for things? Why does EVERYONE fail at survival?

This story could be good if it was better thought out and had better grammar and spelling in general. As it stands, it's currently just deeply troubling.

May 19th, 2011 at 03:07pm