Dream's End - Comments

He lit the match, I can smell the fire.
^ I for some reason just really loved that line(:

You have good descriptions(: I can imagine things and you used a simile ha ha and personification ha ha figures of speech queen(:

this was really awesome but left me wondering why this was happening :( ha ha

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Dream's End

I thought this was wonderful.

I loved the descriptions. I loved that it wasn't filled to the brim with too much descriptions and that you kept to just the important things. I think that's what made this drabble so effective. Even in such a short space, you managed to convey a lot.

The one thing I think you could work on would be your wording. At time, things got a bit jumbly (with repetition of words) and that interrupted the flow a bit – like here, for example: I can remember the taste of the metal of the blade that they used to slash my tongue...

Also some of your run-on sentences are just too long; I think they would work better if you broke them down a bit – like here: The sun is shining like it did on those days before whisps* of smoke... Maybe something like: 'The sun is shining like it did on those days before wisps of smoke danced in the air about the square; when I was a girl who would lie in the warm grass an sing in those hours of solitude in that reverie in the meadows.'

I thought ending was perfect. Loved how well it tied in with the title and how it really ended the story. That simple line had such a great tone of finality. It just left me with the feeling that there was absolutely no hope or thought of this girl being freed or rescued, and I thought that was perfect.

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Dream's End

I thought this was wonderful.

I loved the descriptions. I loved that it wasn't filled to the brim with too much descriptions and that you kept to just the important things. I think that's what made this drabble so effective. Even in such a short space, you managed to convey a lot.

The one thing I think you could work on would be your wording. At time, things got a bit jumbly (with repetition of words) and that interrupted the flow a bit – like here, for example: I can remember the taste of the metalof the blade that they used to slash my tongue... and . And you some of you run on sentences are just too long; I think they would work better if you broke them down a bit – like here: The sun is shining like it did on those days before whisps* of smoke danced in the air above the square, and I was a girl who would lie in the warm grass and sing in those hours of solitude, in that reverie in meadows. Maybe something like: 'The sun is shining like it did on those days before wisps of smoke danced in the air about the square; when I was a girl who would lie in the warm grass an sing in those hours of solitude in that reverie in the meadows.

I thought ending was perfect. Loved how well it tied in with the title and how it really ended the story. That simple line had such a great tone of finality. It just left me with the feeling that there was absolutely no hope or thought of this girl being freed or rescued, and I thought that was perfect.

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I honestly love this; it's so well-written. It feels so realistic really, and the way you describe her sheer terror is magnificent. I like how she can smell the fire getting closer; I feel like that makes it ten times more terrifying. Your description is perfect; the way you describe the wood splinters and the rope and blood is captivating. Really excellent job with this.

This was well written and the length was perfect. I had to read this twice, not because I didn't get it, but it was just that good and crafted. Your descriptions were intense, suspenseful and gripping. I visioned everything clear as day, my history's not that good, so I don't know a lot about witch burning, but I did know that back then, they pretty much burned anyone who looked “off” or “weird” so the ending was something to really think about. You captured fear very well in this for sure.

I don't know much about witch-hunts and burnings, but it was interesting to find out that they did cut their tongues and where pricked with knives/needles. Brownie points for you, man. :)

The story itself was short, sweet, and too the point. The imagery is great and the way you write is very captivating. I really don't have anything else to say, but I enjoyed it very much.

Good luck. :)

Review

Layout:It’s simple, but just missing plain with the extravagant banner. The banner sort of appeals to the reader, and the solid background really brings it out. Nicely done. I’m not sure if I like the olive green title or not, it sort of mixes well with the hint of green in the right corner of the banner, but kind of doesn’t. Either way, it’s a pretty banner, the layout is nice, nothing that takes away from the story but it’s pretty nonetheless.

Summary: It's really, really powerful. I was certainly not expecting that at all, mostly just from the tone that the layout sets, I thought this would be a cute one-shot. I was definitely wrong. It really opens up for a wonderful story, nothing like I’ve ever read before. The only thing that slightly bugs me would be “prickling stake”, merely because when I think of prickling I think of like a pine tree sort of deal. Maybe something that’s similar to it being rough? Like, harsh on her skin but not really prickling? That could just be me, however.

but I have no tongue.

I adore that.

Chapter: I feel like the first line should be two different sentences. That, or maybe “as he lit the match” or “when he lit the match” or something along those lines.

I can remember the taste of the metal of the blade that they used to slash my tongue.

You use of the twice, and it sounds a little off. Maybe you can say the metallic blade? It would flow better, I think.

They held my jaw open and sliced it right across, and they stomped it into the ground.

You use and twice, it sounds a tad strange. Maybe stomping it into the ground instead?

I screamed, the only sound I could make, and the blood came running out, dripping down my chin and my neck and onto that tattered white dress.

I think you should end the sentence after it came running out. Then say “It dripped” and continue further. It sounds a tad like a run-on. Otherwise, I think the imagery is wonderful. It really paints a vivid image in my mind without delving too deep and leaving me confused.

beads of blood are melting
This confused me. I understand that maybe it’s poetic, and sounds nice, but barely makes any sense. How could they melt? I mean, I understand the dripping part, but not the melting. Even with the fire to near, it’s already a liquid, so it wouldn’t… melt.

I adore the ending so much. Words cannot describe how fantastic I think it is, from the “reverie in meadows” to how she sings like a bird would, however can’t fly away and gets burned instead. I adore your wording choice as well "birdsongs". Like the summary, it’s really powerful. It kind of creates an innocent aura, therefore leading me to empathize greatly for her. I also like how it includes a touch of history as well, as they did burn random girls who they believed to be witches. It tells the story of how these girls were so hopeless, how they really couldn’t do anything.

The last words sum it up perfectly.

Overall it’s fantastically done. A tad short, but that definitely doesn’t take away from the impact that the story leaves.

Woaaah. I really, really liked this. A lot.

It's so short but I mean, that's not a problem. It actually makes you long to read more about it, it leaves you aching at the end. In a good way. I was actually going to write a story about a witch-burning, you read my mind! But seriously this has some really great description in it.

''It's slipping down my throat, gagging me. The splinters on the wood are pricking into my skin like the thorns on the rosebushes by the forest, beads of blood are melting down my arms and legs.''

You know it's always the little things, the small words that are seemingly insignificant but really make the whole difference. What really struck me here was the word ''melting''. It works here, and I don't know why. I mean, blood doesn't melt obviously, but you made it sound so flowy and you made it sound like blood really does melt. Instead taking away from the description it added to it by so much. That was great. Another thing that's great about that description above is that you added a little something about her past. You just kind of slipped it in there, and you're not dragging on about what she used to do and how happy she was etc etc. You just said ''like the thorns on the rosebushes by the forest''. That's all. And that little thing right there gave us a bigger idea of this so-called 'witch'. She used to go to the forest, she used to be a free spirit. I thought that was really clever.

My favourite part is this:

''The sun is shining like it did on those days before whisps of smoke danced in the air above the square, and I was a girl who would lie in the warm grass and sing in those hours of solitude, in that reverie in meadows. But it is time to stop with my birdsongs. For I am no bird, I cannot fly away.''

^^ Another glimpse of the past that contrasts really well with the fire and the splinters and the horror of the present scene. This image of her lying in the 'warm grass' made me feel warm myself It sounds so peaceful. Instead of being all cliche like ''my life and past flashed before my eyes'', you said ''The sun is shining like it did on those days...'' etc. That's a better way to put it than the old cliches and I liked that. Another great word - 'birdsongs'. Soo pretty.

Oh mah gaaad, I really got carried away. I think my comment's longer than your story But yeah I did really like this. Nice! (: