March 3rd, 2012 at 02:04am
Hey :) I gave you a bit of a critique in the commitment issues thread, and like I said, I am returning here to point out what I liked.
I like the more factual description of the dreams and the process of dreaming ( When you are asleep, your subconscious is active - I really liked that; a nice opening line), but as I said it can feel a little like a textbook (granted, a really interesting one, but still a textbook.) I guess it's quite a difficult thing to balance, but I think you should definitely keep it in the rewrite :)
You can’t control your body, your emotions, your actions. I like the way you've laid out this sentence. It's concise, and it has it's own flow that pulls you along to the end. You don't really need the sentence after it though- it's overkill, and it spoils the flow a little. I think you should cut that sentence and join the very last one onto the end of the one I quoted (if that makes sense? Sorry if I'm overstepping my remit with that suggestion.)
I like the content of the third paragraph, but something about the way it's written feels a little forced, and so doesn't sit quite right. However, this paragraph and the final one combat that slightly textbook feel and generates a lot of interest in these two characters, their stories, and their lives. I think maybe making the third paragraph a little more concise and to the point might help, but probably you should get a second opinion on that...
Strangers by day, acquaintances by night. Never knowing one another except for what they know in their dreams. Lovely. Really, lovely. Once again, charming simplicity. (I'm jealous, I can't really achieve that. >< ) I think, if you wanted, you could get rid of the third paragraph as long as you kept that.
Also, When they fall asleep, they drift off, unguarded and exposed. That is another wonderful line.
The final line really just makes this, for me. I'm very interested in what the subconscious mind can do, but even if I wasn't, it makes me want to read more to see how this power manifests itself within your story.
Good luck with rewriting/reworking, and as I said, I'll be willing to help :) I can be a pretty difficult person to get hold of, but if you want me to read anything, pm me and leave a comment to say that you have done so :D