update please? I actually really like it ! <3
June 6th, 2012 at 05:18pm
I think the title really goes well with the entire “Criminal Minds” theme, since they see evil all the time in their jobs. The layout also is really nice, but I find that the banner (which is nicely done, by the way, the blending is really good) is a bit too colourful? Everything else is grey/black/white and it’s really just… colourful.
The summary is intriguing though, sets up the story nicely and really draws the reader in, since it pretty much demands for drama to come.
The beginning really has a home-y, comfortable type feeling. It’s so easy to envision a quaint little kitchen with a mom bustling about. And I also really like how even though the mom appears to be usually engrossed by her work, she still cares deeply for her daughter. In the majority of stories with moms as such, they usually take no mind in their offspring and are usually nasty, cold-hearted women who really only care about work. It’s a nice “toss of things” to see a nice, mother-daughter relationship.
Though you use the word “cooked” a lot in the second paragraph, just over and over again. Sort of makes it a little mundane.
Again, the dialogue really makes me happy to see such a good, healthy relationship. And how she worries about her daughter, seriously it’s so awesome. She seems like a really good mom.
“Uh-oh.” I laughed.
“Uh-oh,” I laughed.
“He pushed me off the swing.” She stated
“He pushed me off the swing,” she stated
“I gave you that key for emergencies.” I said flatly
“I gave you that key for emergencies,” I said flatly
“Ready, Uncle Luke.”
“Ready, Uncle Luke?”
“Try and have fun.” Luke said
“Try and have fun,” Luke said
Maybe it’s just me, but I really don’t like when stories burst off into explanation about life. I’d rather you show me these things, maybe through dialogue or simply situations to show this. You could sit there all day and tell us what’s happening, but the most important thing about writing is to show us, entertain us with your words.
I’m really fascinated by her father though, mostly because all the Criminal Minds people have these really interesting back stories on why they chose such a profession, and it makes me wonder if her dad had anything to do with this, you know? Or maybe her mother’s dead had some factor in it. I’m really interested on how you go about this, because there must have been some point that shoved her off the normal life path and made her choose such a career, it’s not really something you choose but chooses you. That sounds really lame, but it’s sort of true.
It also shows you how busy this life is, with her failing and cooking and how everything’s always getting bumped up. I liked that, you didn’t tell us, you showed us how chaotic her life is.
I like how she really takes pride in her job as well, since she should. It’s a really honorable career, as you mentioned putting your life on the line for others, even strangers.
the unit chief, is going
You switch tenses, should be “was going”
Again, you go on telling us how these characters are. You really don’t need to do this at all, you’ve got your entire story to show us that Parker’s the partier, that she feels all these maternal instincts when in his presence.
I notice you do this a lot, so I’ll help you. When it’s he said/she said in dialogue, then the following he/she is always in lowercase. Instead of periods, there are commas, and even if it’s a question mark or an exclamation mark it’s still lowercase.
The characters you’ve created are interesting; I find myself liking most of them and can definitely see how they’d work well together. Though they’re not really that unique, and this is just first impressions so it’s not much. I’m really hoping you add tiny little quirks to your characters, only because that just makes them a little more in-depth then just “the play boy”, the “mischievous one”. Again though, show us.
It bugs me a tad that she’d actually hang out with Spencer on the weekends and such, only because he’d probably be gone for most of the time and plus I don’t even believe his team is that close to him, but this random girl is? Makes her seem a tad Mary-Sue, if you know what I mean.
And it’s weird that Penelope pops up. She’s usually behind her little computer desk, for the most part she hardly ever comes out of that room.
“You burnt water.” Spencer said flatly.
I’m not sure if this is a joke of some sorts (because Spencer usually only has these nerdy jokes no one understands) but you can’t really burn water, it’s impossible in a normal household environment.
I’m a little confused on what her name is, Lauren Grace? I think? I’m not sure.
Anyways, now on to your writing. I find it very simplistic. You don’t really delve that much into settings, emotions, or just simply descriptions. And of course it’s good not to have too much, but I find it’s lacking a bit. I mean, it’s mostly just describing the actions, and I’m left feeling a little empty? It’s a really hard concept to master, even I haven’t and probably most people haven’t. I’m not even sure it is something you can, no. it’s probably not. But still, I think you should work harder on that.
But so for it’s going well, to say the least.
:)