Blackout - Comments

I really liked this story, and you BETTER write a sequel, otherwise I am gonna be really mad. I kept on getting this feeling I was being watched to when I read the first couple of chapters. It was a really good story, and really well written. I didn't understand why the bombed that building at first, but after a while of thinking I got it. It took a while for me to get it so I think you should make that a little bit clearer

Also Jude said the cities being bombed. Didn't you mean the city's being bombed? Also I didn't quite get WHY the city was being bombed. But apart from those two points that could be clear and little punctuations, great story. You left it on such a cliffhanger that I want MORE!

Dam...is all i can say!

Well, I'm really enjoying this story so far. It's such a relief to find a story that isn't either a fan fiction or simply a love story, although I guess this could turn into a love story, however it isn't what is driving the plot and that's what I love. Sure there are a few mistakes in spelling and grammar, but everyone makes them, so don't worry about it. I was a bit confused when Jude and Sara were suddenly at the shore after a car pulls to a stop on the road as I don't remember them seeing a road previously and I was wondering where it had come from, but other than that, this is an awesome story and I'm really enjoying it! Please, keep writing!

Okay, so I'm reviewing the fifth chapter as you requested, so forgive me if some things from previous chapters are unclear.

First off, I really like your choice of layout. Though I don't normally like white text against black background, I think it works for this story because of the theme of a blackout and how much society relies on technology and that sort of helplessness that can be caused by its absence.

The banner also sets off that sort of, for lack of a better word, gloomy tone by showcasing the ugliness and grit of industry.

“People are so obvious, Taylor mused quietly to herself.

The first thing I noticed was that you're missing a closing quotation mark here.

She found it very useful, for someone who was so shy and furtive like her, to be able to quickly asses what not to say or do in certain people’s presences.

I think this may flow better if it read "...for someone who was so shy and furtive like herself," but that's just my opinion. Also, there's a typo in this sentence, but I'm sure if you'll read it over, you'll catch it. Also, I feel like the last part would flow better if it were rewritten as "in the presence of certain people." Something about the word presences doesn't really sound right to me.

Her next session wasn’t until nine and she still had a couple more minutes to herself before she had meet her therapist.

Okay, I don't really understand this part about the diagnosis or storming into the therapy session. If this was something that occured in a previous chapter, please disregard that, but if it's something new that's just being introduced, try to make it more clear by not using so many "she"s, it makes it difficult to tell who did what. Anyways, you need a comma before the first "and" in the line above, and I think you may have meant to say "before she had to meet her therapist" but just left out a word somewhere in there.

... I haven't anything from you, since... since ages! And that is so, so unlike you,”

I loved this entire line of dialogue from Sara because I felt like it sounded very natural, like it was something someone would actually say in that sort of situation. I pointed out this part because I think you left out a word somewhere in the beginning because, as it reads now, it doesn't make any sense. I'm guessing you meant to put "heard" after "haven't."

Is that what it’s coming too? You go awol on me...

It should be "to" instead of "too." Also, AWOL should be capitalized since it's an acronym.

one of the therapists said appearing suddenly, from the doorway, making both girls jump.

You only need a comma after "said" and "doorway" here.

Sara narrowed her eyes at him, but grabbed Taylor and followed obediently.

You don't need the comma in this sentence.

Overall, I felt like this chapter was very intriguing. Though I don't know a lot of the backstory, the mixture and shift of emotions really pulled me in. Actually, I think I would have enjoyed it better if you would have sticked to Taylor's perspective for the entire chapter, but either way, it works well. There are a few grammatical errors here and there aside from the ones I pointed out, but a beta can easily help you correct those. I really liked how this chapter flowed overall, and I think your dialogue was what stood out the most for me. Like I said before, it was just really natural and didn't feel forced like some dialogue does. I would've liked to have read more physical descriptions of the characters, but I feel like you did an amazing job portraying their personalities, even in this chapter alone. Anyways, this was a really solid chapter and I wish you luck with this story =D

Okay, so the layout is simple, but yet, enticing.

Now, the summary is a complete attention grabber. So I think you did perfect there. =) And the way you started the first chapter was brilliant. It makes the reader wonder 'What the hell is going on?'. So beautiful.

However, this really isn't the kind of story I read, so I'm sorry to say that I didn't finish reading it. But I did pass the link on to a friend who loves stories like this. =)

Keep on writing, for you are talented! <3

The writing is too small, I think. I mean the colours contrast but I'm still straining to read it.Just for the layout.

Small word upside... down? I think you forgot that. And do you mean desert, as in nothing there but sand? Or deserted, as in trees and crap but noone there.

Though I do love the opening paragraph to your story, it's very well detailed and teh descriptions flow nicely, without getting me bored. The fact that you've already established someone bad has happened makes me want to read more. What I don't like is "two and half hours later", maybe you can say something like "she thought back" or do an easier transition? They're hard, I know, but it looks sort of tacky with the sub titles.

The colours confused me... I don't get it at all. Though I like the "showing and not telling" of how we can tell she doesn't mingle well with some. The smirking was a bit weird though, mostly because it was like immediately changed from blank to cocky. I don't like the namedropping of her phone, either.

And too, I think you could break up the paragraphs a bit. They're really big and intimidating and sort of a turn off. It makes me wonder where they're from originally, calling it a "mobile", most people would call it a cellphone. I do like how her best guy friend isn't total hottie, that makes him more real and believable and a tad more adorable as well.

As it continues, it's a really good story.The paragraphs are long but the dialogue is really good, realistic. I think it's weird that her mood ring actually works, for the most part they don't, but I think that's sort of unique. Your story's interesting. I think. I haven't read much like it on this site which I thinks sets it apart from others, and judging by the length you obviously are working hard on this. It really is a good story.
:)

When I read it I really enjoyed it but the bit about the swimming was a little unrealistic. Maybe something brushed against her foot that made her want to swim faster or something? I think you may need a little more detail there. Also when I think of who will the read the book I do not suggest most s who are my age. Which is 11-12. If its not a book thats crazy and wacky and different. (For example a series called Ally's World by Karen McCombie. Great series!) or something really and all about crushes and friendships and stuff they would look at this story and say... 'no guys... no make-up? Next!' But if it was someone my age with more understanding and a bit more mature who really think about adventure and find most stories very interesting the would look at the book and say... 'My brains hungry... I need something like this story to eat!' If I was anyone, my saying for this story would be 'read and read and then... READ SOME MORE!'

Well, I found that chapter really interesting. Did you know that Mrs Bate's mum has Alzheimers? I enjoyed that chapter but there was one little mistake when you wrote lat instead of late, but it was near the beginning. Awesome story

Story Review Game.

Layout: Okay, so I'll admit I'm picky about layouts. This one isn't too bad; there isn't much to dislike about it, it's pretty simple. Nothing distracting, which is good. What I don't like is the banner. It doesn't really match with the rest of the layout, and it's… an Apple ad. It sorta matches with the title, I guess, blackout and there's the silhouette. But, meh. I wish the colors went together better. In any case, it doesn't really matter…

Summary: Well now that I read it maybe the banner does match a little better… I like it. I like how it gives a drop in to the background without spelling it out for you. You could work on your comma use a little (try reading out loud, it helps you recognize natural pauses), but other than that it's perfect.

Chapter One: Ooh, wow, I'm loving that descriptive first paragraph. I can totally picture everything right there. Again, you're a little lacking in the comma department, but the rest of it is lovely.
I think you should italicize the time change. Two hours earlier… To separate it from the rest of the story, you know.
Ha, I love that it's a mood ring. You describe it so romantically… and then it turns out to be a little toy.
And I also love that guy sitting next to her… he seems like a cute, awkward-type kid. I'd be annoyed too, but since it's in a story it's hilarious.
This emphasis on technology is starting to creep me out, to be honest. I'm guessing that's sort of the idea from the summary. "If you couldn’t accept that her mobile was always going to come first, then you were no friend of Taylors. I like how you make everyone seem so dependent on them so easily, like it's just a fact of the world. Referring to the phones by there models really helps that and makes them seem less like a second thought.
Jeez, Mr. Kerry needs to grow some balls and keep his students in line…

So, overall, first chapter was pretty good. The plot's moving along smoothly, a few ground rules are being set, and I like it. It moved a little fast towards the end; what Sara was saying about her ankle seemed like it was almost made up to get Jude out of there, but after he leaves it's clear that it's not. You should say something right after she falls about the pain, that would make it more clear.

Chapter Two: It was like trying to have a conversation with a starved bear, you were just asking for trouble. So true. I'm liking this Jude guy more and more.
I find it a little unrealistic that he'd be so snide with her, though. He's surely be just as panicked as her after being left after a school trip, wouldn't he? I could understand a couple sarcastic comments about her naivety, maybe, but outright calling her a drama queen and such is a bit much. And teasing her after she fell out of a tree–He seemed nice on the bus, and now he's a total jerk.
JUDGING DISTANCE OVER WATER + "ICE COLD" = DISASTER. Now I really want to know what happens next.

Overall, chapter two was decent, again. It's a bit weaker than chapter one in my opinion; the narration gets a bit detached. I wish it would focus more on the characters than the actualy events–and I get that this story is plot-driven, but you need everything in moderation. Try to make the characters more relatable. Put the thought process behind their actions in there. Put in fear and pain and uncertainty and annoyance, and show the reader how exactly they're feeling those emotions. Do you get what I'm saying? Don't just put, she was angry. Put, her hands curled into fists and her teeth gritted.

Apart from the whole premise behind being a bit out there, the plot is written believably. It sort of reminds me of Hatchet, with the educational trip gone wrong… except in that book it's a disciplinary trip and I hate Hatchet. The characters could be a bit more believable, there's some personality continuity issues. But mainly it's just easy to follow and entertaining.

Quite good, I think I'll subscribe. (:

1) sorry this has taken so long
2) this story is fantastic story - the description is wonderful. the introduction left me feeling like I was where sara was
only thing - when the teacher calls her Mrs Willams that would mean she was married - so it probaly needs to be Miss or Ms

I think what impressed me most here was the length. I can never manage to get a lot of bulk in there and make it enjoyable for the reader. I think the details are good and really flow from one thing to the next well.

Keep up the good work!

I love the layout.

I also like the concept of the story :) I really don't have much to say about it, other than just add a bit more detail, watching punctuation marks, and putting a period after "Mr" because I keep seeing "Mr Kerry" when it should be "Mr. Kerry"....so...yes.

I'm actually gonna subscribe though...and I normally don't read stuff like this :)

I love the layout, it's simple but fits with the storyline.
I've never read anything like this but I found it so interesting.
I can't wait to see where you take this. :)

Well, I find it very it very interesting and cannot wait to find out what happens next!