Damned. - Comments

It would be nice if you guys kept writing this. c:

Ohhhh! Currently I have read only six chapters, but I wanted to say the start of the storyline already got me hooked. It's good, well-written and the characters truly have a believable conditions as far as I have read. :) I think I'll comment later as well if I have read all the 18 chapters.

By the way, I'm putting a link to this on my profile.
This deserves to be shared.

Chapter six:
The opening to this chapter is bloody brilliant. I was immediately pulled in and had to stop myself from skipping paragraphs to find out what happened. I also like how you mention he has bibliomania and you don’t go into a medical explanation. You have the man tell him that he stole books and even ate some. That’s a brilliant way to explain what it really is. I knew this story would be unique, but bringing in a character with a mental disorder not many people have heard of, makes it all the more unique.

My favorite line in this chapter was “I’m on a quest for knowledge.” I laughed, this guy is freaking awesome! Haha

Chapter seven:
My first thought when I read your character introduction was a book I had once read. I can’t remember the name of it or the author (though I wish I did) but it was about this kid who wanted to kill himself so he put on a bathrobe, doused himself in gasoline and set himself on fire in the bathroom. Just as he did he didn’t want to die and turned on the shower. However, he spent a year or two in the medical, not mental, hospital recovering. Good book.

But I love your introduction better. She seems genuinely insane in a way, though I can see her sanity. If that makes sense. Like, she doesn’t think she’s crazy, she just wants to see her dad. This makes her unique and I love her character and how she taunts her mother by repeatedly asking the same question.

Chapter eight:
I love that she called him Death. That made me smile. You switch tenses a few times. Normally you write in past tense, which you should, but sometimes you switch to present. Like, “She says in an emotionless tone.” It should be “She said in an emotionless tone.”

I’m a little confused as to what she’s there for, but I guess I’ll find out in later chapters :D

My favorite thing about the first eight chapters was Mr. Peeters constantly saying that they’ll “be in good hands.” Oh that gave me goosebumps. I can honestly say I’ve never read a story like this. Not on Mibba and not from the library. I LOVE IT.

Chapter three:
I really enjoyed reading about Sam. It was very intriguing to see how upset she got. Though I cannot begin to understand how she must feel, I love how you detailed her raging episode and brought in her regret.

My favorite thing has to be that you tied in real Dutch. Most people would type in English and italicize it as being a different language. But I love that you brought in the real language and wrote “Sam knew he had called her a crazy person.” It tells us what the Dutch meant without the real translation, which I like. It makes your chapters stand out and also shows us what the guards are like.

Chapter four:
Blimey, I can just feel his fear and paranoia. It’s detailed nicely and I can very clearly picture him and the scene’s you’ve painted for me. I also like that his parents are different from the others I’ve seen. His mother seems a bit like a push over and his dad seems like a giant twat.

Alcander, I’ve never heard that name before. It’s unique and beautiful.

Chapter five:
I probably shouldn’t, but I like Sophia’s relationship with her mother. The mother seems so immature and it’s like the roles in that family are reversed.

“Without me, as always.

She thought;”
‘She thought” should be on the same line as “Without me, as always.” As it is part of that paragraph and not something separately.

I wish you had detailed her depression a bit more. Until I had read that her grandparents had “noticed how depressed” she was. I wouldn’t have guessed. I mean I had a general idea, but It would have made more sense if you mentioned a razor or two sitting next to her in the beginning. Gosh, I hope I don’t sound like a bitch because I really like Sophia’s character. She seems so sweet and like someone that I’d go out with on Fridays or Saturdays.

Chapter one:
The first thing I noticed was that this is in third person, which is my favorite point of view to read in. Makes it even better. I love how it starts out, with Zeke in the car wondering where he’s going. I love how you brought in how he started acting strange. Normally when I read a story there’s like, five paragraphs dedicated to the past and background. But you tied it in with the present, which was brilliant and made this all the more interesting.

The only comment I have for Zeke’s first chapter is that no one at a mental hospital would walk up to someone who just walks in and sticks them. When my mate was admitted several years ago for an eating disorder, if you lost control there they’d strap you to a bed then stick you. Might be different in the states, but I found that one little scenario unlikely. I will say though, I tried hard to look for grammatical errors and found none! :D

Chapter two:
First off, I love how Jakob is spelled with a ‘k’ and not a ‘c’. That’s a good way to give a character and individual trait without going overboard. That dream was so amazing! At first I thought, because this is about a mental hospital, that he was hallucinating and thought what was happening was real when it wasn’t. But it turned out to be a dream, which surprised me. And I like being surprised. His wife also seems to genuinely care, which I find endearing.

My only comment for this story would be to fix your transitions here:
“She gave him a big hug, and they ate breakfast.

“Well, I’m confident enough to say that your wife was correct, Mr. Neilson.”

You should add the “---“you did later on in the story between the two above paragraphs because time has passed and it confused me at first because you didn’t have that. You did do that later on though, which is good. I just suggest adding it there.

This is written by many people, so I’ll just note that Can’t You See won a contest of mine and as a prize requested I comment this. I’m glad she asked :D I would’ve commented sooner but life got in the way. So, I’m commenting on the character introductions. In my word document it's over FOUR pages long, so I'm posting several comments.

Anyway, I really wish I had opened this up right when you sent me that message. Upon reading the summary I was immediately pulled in. The plot sounds interesting and to be honest, I haven’t seen a story on here remotely similar. It’s good to read something new without the annoying clichés every so often, you know? I do enjoy the layout. It adds to the mysterious atmosphere that the summary gives off. It’s not normally the style I prefer but it fits so wonderfully.

This interesting. I know I can't read it all now but I will read some more another time. :)

Lovely and exquisite. Quite nice!

That was amazing! I was so excited when I read that the summery had mention 'asylum', I love these kinds of stories, but that probably doesn't surprise you pixie. :)

Well, I'm reading this because one of the authors involved won first place in a contest of mine.
Boy, I must say, I'm glad she did. This is a wonderful idea for a group written story and most, if not all, of the chapters so far are well written. There are only one or two that seem to be a little off beat of everyone else, but other than that, you all write in a pretty nice harmony that makes the story flow rather well. I honestly can't wait to read the rest and I'll be joining the rest of you for the ride. (:

One of the writers for this story, Justalittlegirl, referred this story
to me so I could put it on Mibba's Best,

http://www.mibba.com/users/stories/chapters-overview/327778/

and I'm definitely going to include it on one of the upcoming chapters,
it's simply lovely..........in a weird sort of way that is(:

I read the last chapter, because Parasite submitted it on the comment thread.
it is short, but effective, if the chapter had been any longer it would of lost some of it's impact. I think in a way the shortness fits the way the character appears to conduct herself.
I'm now going to read the other chapters because this seems like a great story idea

Okay, so the layout and banner go so increbily well with the story; it's soo freakin' creepy! While I was reading the first chapter, I got such horrible chills. Poor Zeke D: And I feel bad for Amy, too. Stalking is awful, but honestly, can you blame the guy? He loved her so much. Though, honestly, I've never heard of someone being institutionalized because of stalking; yeah, breaking and entering with intent to harm, but hmm. This is a very interesting take on this (:
Lovely job, you guys!
I'll try to leave a longer and better comment later <3

I feel really bad for them.......some of them don't think they're doing anything wrong and the others can't stop........that must be terrible. It's really well writen. Update soon :)

this is a really good story i hope you update soon!

That chapter was really well written. I swear, the whole war sequence at the beginning actually got my kind of scared for a second O.O Really good chapter. :)

This was amazing. The visual you painted is so clear in my head; I love it!

I was so intrigued reading it, I was like holy crap!
You described everything so well, I really felt like I was witnessing his dream
Great job.

That was great. (=
You sucked me right into the story.
well done =]