Scream - Comments

I still love this story. It's just brilliant.

This was really good! Perhaps think about making it a longer story and continuing it?

OH MY GOD!
So amazing. I honestly have never read anything like it. It was so dark and had raw emotion in it.
I didn't expect that ending at all. Usually the ending goes all 'they decide to stay together, fall in love, and get married happliy ever after'. This was definately satisfying (:

That was so intense. I read the first chapter and I admit to having a minor fan-girl moment full of squeaks and spastic movement. Jimmy's darker and mysterious and still shows a kindness inside <3

Then as I went into the second chapter, I lost myself in the sensuality of it. Its harsh and demanding yet gentle and giving. If that makes sense at all.

Finally, the ending. The coup de grâce. She's focused on her rituals; love 'em and leave 'em. Then, Jimmy's awake and watching her. Its the mystery about him showing. Its unnerving. A feeling that intensifies when he utters the words "If you leave, you will die." A part of me wondered if he meant to be threatening while another part screamed that she shouldn't leave. Then, yet again, she gets so caught up in everything, the perfect opportunity for something bad to happen.

Overall, I freaking loved this! No wonder you got first place. So much went into this and painted a beautifully haunting picture like all good stories do.

very creepy, but he did warn her!

I love it you deserve first place

I have to admit, I really like most of the stories you’ve written, because I’ve read a lot of them (The Plague series being my favorite. ) but I’ve either forgotten to leave comments or had no real time to leave comments. Thus, I am happy that I get the chance to review three of your pieces, because I’ve been meaning to do it since the first time I started reading your work. XD

Layout & Summary Page
I love the picture of Jimmy you used for the background, and the picture you used in the summary. It’s one of my favorites of him, and the clip is epic. Also, the banner you used for the main part of the story is lovely, too. It makes me wonder just how smexy this three-shot is going to be, and what happens to make it all go wrong. (Even though I do remember reading this before, I feel as if I could read it more than once and still be surprised. )

The words in your summary are intriguing. You don’t give away enough of the plot to make it boring, but you give us enough to be curious as to what’s going to happen with Erin and Jimmy in the course of this night. Can’t wait to start reading Chapter One again.

Chapter One

I love how you start off the story right away with Erin in the bar, searching for the perfect man for the night. It’s unique, and it makes me wonder and think if she does this on a regular occurrence or if it’s just something she does from time to time to get, as she said, sexual pleasure. I think your use of words is nice, it’s simple enough to understand but not at the third grade level. It’s got me feeling all excited to start reading more.

I took a sip of my alcoholic drink… I think if you excluded the word ‘alcoholic’ it would sound a little smoother. Since she’s in a bar at the moment, I was assuming that she was having something alcoholic. But I think that’s more of a personal opinion, so if you think it sounds better to leave it in, don’t change it because there’s nothing grammatically wrong with it. XD

…and laughing lots. This sounded a bit awkward to me. Perhaps if you phrased it as, laughing a lot or something like that it would flow with the tone of the story a bit better. Just a suggestion.

He was rocking the bad ass attitude look with his black leather jacket with a black and white t-shirt underneath, black jeans and the tattoos. I love this sentence to no end. I can envision him sitting there perfectly, and I can really see the setting coming through. It’s vibrant and detailed without overloading me with details, and it just makes me really happy to see a sentence like this.

I like how you compared her lust for him to a fire. It’s an analogy that’s used a lot, but you didn’t use it in a cliché manner, and I really like that. Again, I can clearly see the picture you’re painting with your words, and it’s beautiful.

I love the way Erin made the proposition. It was true to the attitude you’ve given her thus far. She’s in the bar for a reason. It’s simply a business-like thing for her. Bada bing, bada boom. You leave satisfied, I leave satisfied. And that’s exactly how she came across to me as a reader. I also like how she wasn’t hung up on him and being all, Oh, my God, he’s the only one that will do for me tonight. That’s overused in most stories I’ve read, and yours isn’t like that. Which makes me happier than you know.

Also, Jimmy’s response to her is nice. You set him up to be a nice guy with the same needs as any guy, which I believe he was. I think you have a good portrayal of who Jimmy was in real life in this story so far. And I like seeing that.

Chapter Two

I knew exactly how to please the man I had chosen, and I knew that with him being satisfied with my priceless actions that he would return the favor for no price as well. I loved this line, but the use of the word priceless seemed to throw it off just a tish for me. I’m not sure what it is about it that did, but…it did.

I like how she eased up on him, giving him a break when she could tell that he needed one. I also like how she contemplated whether or not he had a girlfriend or wife or something like that, but decided she didn’t care. It’s true to her character, and I like it. You’re quite good with staying consistent with characters like that, and it’s a nice thing to read.

I also liked that she thought about giving him her number or doing something to meet up again in the future but didn’t. Again, it stayed true to her personality. Because as she said, they were strangers. It was one night of sex in her eyes, and that was all she wanted it to be even if her heart was telling her otherwise. I think that it’s a great thing, how you wrote that.

Chapter Three

I love how Jimmy was awake when she moved to leave, and how he was trying to convey to her that she shouldn’t leave. In a way, you made him a sort of guardian angel while not being dead, and that fact alone nearly made me want to cry because as I read it, it makes it hit home for me that he’s really not here anymore. I get that sense a lot when I’m reading stories that have Jimmy in them, but yours gives me a stronger sense of that—which is a good thing, don’t get me wrong.

I liked his words. “If you leave now, you’ll die,” it was just…perfect. I can understand how she would be scared of his words, and why she’d want to leave. I can understand why she’d book it out of there after she’d given him a fake number. It was really a nice detail how you put in that Erin thought he’d been playing mind games on her. And I liked how you called her escapades at night her ‘medication,’ like she sedates herself against life with it.

The last bit was especially heartwrenching. How he hurt her and then how she was going to die, and how she wished that she’d listened to Jimmy’s words when her heart had told her that she should. You did an excellent job portraying emotions and personalities with this piece, and I’m extremely glad that I reviewed it after reading it before.

Oh my gosh. That was dark, twisted, and sexy. I really liked this. It fit the song perfectly and I really quite enjoyed the details you put into it. I found it quite entrancing, the whole thing really. I especially liked the end starting with the part where Jimmy said that if she left that she would die. It was eerie, yet sort of sweet and romantic in a darkly twisted way. The whole story was very brilliant. Brava!

Omg! That was just like...wow. So shocking and suspenseful. It was awesome! I really liked it. :D Great job!

Oh my god. That was so sexy and dark, which only made it even more sexy. I really enjoyed it.