Long Summary: I found the long summary a little confusing. It left me asking few questions, not because I found myself intrigued by the story, but because the summary was a bit scattered and perplexing.
Is Aya the main character here or is it her sister?
...gets herself caught up in a murder mystery that involves her sister and possibly her own death. – Is Aya's sister killed or is someone simply trying to kill them both?
Will Aya escape alive or will the breathtaking mystery man from her shop come to her rescue? – I found this a little weird, because both choices mean that Aya has survived. Perhaps if the first have of the questions was something like “Will Aya share her sister's fate or will the breathtaking mystery man come to her rescue?” You know? Just a way that your two choices will actually be different choices.
Chapter one:
I liked the bit of ambiance you created with the first line. Coupled with the layout (the grey writing and black background), the mood seemed bland and down. It felt like a rainy day as I read it. With that said, I did think that these few lines - Who wanted to buy flowers on a rainy day? No one, that’s who. It was like saying, "Wow, it’s so beautiful out I’m going to buy flowers." – wreck it a bit for me. The tone of Aya's thoughts just seemed out of place within the rest of the narration, and it read like boring rambling of the character, which might have worked better if this was being told in first person. It was a mood breaker for me, and when I reread the first paragraph without it, it was infinitely much better and more consistent.
Reading on, I felt like some of the things said in narration was too explanatory, so it felt redundant to read. Like here, for example: A chill ran through her small frame causing her to wrap her arms around herself in an attempt to warm up. Since you say, “A chill ran through her small frame,” the readers can infer that you when she wraps her arms around herself, she does so to keep warm, so going on to say, “...in an attempt to warm up,” isn't necessary. Similarly, in this line: It was a slow walk from her bedroom to the bathroom stopping to turn the shower on when she arrived in the equally as cold bathroom. Since you tell us Aya's destination (“...from her bedroom to her bathroom...”) you don't have to repeat where she is once she gets there (“...when she arrived in the equally cold bathroom”).
I liked your description of her showering routine. I liked that kept in with the tone of rest of the story and I loved that you took time to describe something that is important to this character. I also thought it was could choice to add in bits about what Aya things about while showering. It allowed a little more insight into her, into what she wants from life and what kind of person she is.
By the end of the chapter, I felt like you were trying to hard to hammer in how boring the day was to the readers. You mentioned the fact that that day would be boring a lot. The tone of this, the great way in which you ran through normal routines was more than enough to set the mood. The pace at which this moved did a great job of portraying how much of a slow day in the shop this was, without getting boring. So continuing to tell the reader that it was a boring, long, slow day was a bit of an overkill.
Overall, I thought this was good start to your story. I would have liked to be able to get to know Aya a little more before we were introduced to the other three major characters in this (the mystery man, Sarah, and Sarah's new boyfriend Paul). You kind of squished everyone in this first chapter so quickly that I barely got to know anyone. I enjoyed a lot of your descriptions and attention to certain details and I think that if you worked a bit more on not letting Sarah become another stereotypical party girl, this could end up being really good.
*I noticed quite a few places where words were left out or punctuation was missing. Because it happened so often, the work seemed sloppy. It made me think that you hadn't read this over or had it proofread before posting it, which makes it seem like you don't take much pride in the work, you know? If you do need a beta to go over your stuff before you post it, you can consider using the Editing and Proofreading thread.
Is Aya the main character here or is it her sister?
...gets herself caught up in a murder mystery that involves her sister and possibly her own death. – Is Aya's sister killed or is someone simply trying to kill them both?
Will Aya escape alive or will the breathtaking mystery man from her shop come to her rescue? – I found this a little weird, because both choices mean that Aya has survived. Perhaps if the first have of the questions was something like “Will Aya share her sister's fate or will the breathtaking mystery man come to her rescue?” You know? Just a way that your two choices will actually be different choices.
Chapter one:
I liked the bit of ambiance you created with the first line. Coupled with the layout (the grey writing and black background), the mood seemed bland and down. It felt like a rainy day as I read it. With that said, I did think that these few lines - Who wanted to buy flowers on a rainy day? No one, that’s who. It was like saying, "Wow, it’s so beautiful out I’m going to buy flowers." – wreck it a bit for me. The tone of Aya's thoughts just seemed out of place within the rest of the narration, and it read like boring rambling of the character, which might have worked better if this was being told in first person. It was a mood breaker for me, and when I reread the first paragraph without it, it was infinitely much better and more consistent.
Reading on, I felt like some of the things said in narration was too explanatory, so it felt redundant to read. Like here, for example: A chill ran through her small frame causing her to wrap her arms around herself in an attempt to warm up. Since you say, “A chill ran through her small frame,” the readers can infer that you when she wraps her arms around herself, she does so to keep warm, so going on to say, “...in an attempt to warm up,” isn't necessary. Similarly, in this line: It was a slow walk from her bedroom to the bathroom stopping to turn the shower on when she arrived in the equally as cold bathroom. Since you tell us Aya's destination (“...from her bedroom to her bathroom...”) you don't have to repeat where she is once she gets there (“...when she arrived in the equally cold bathroom”).
I liked your description of her showering routine. I liked that kept in with the tone of rest of the story and I loved that you took time to describe something that is important to this character. I also thought it was could choice to add in bits about what Aya things about while showering. It allowed a little more insight into her, into what she wants from life and what kind of person she is.
By the end of the chapter, I felt like you were trying to hard to hammer in how boring the day was to the readers. You mentioned the fact that that day would be boring a lot. The tone of this, the great way in which you ran through normal routines was more than enough to set the mood. The pace at which this moved did a great job of portraying how much of a slow day in the shop this was, without getting boring. So continuing to tell the reader that it was a boring, long, slow day was a bit of an overkill.
Overall, I thought this was good start to your story. I would have liked to be able to get to know Aya a little more before we were introduced to the other three major characters in this (the mystery man, Sarah, and Sarah's new boyfriend Paul). You kind of squished everyone in this first chapter so quickly that I barely got to know anyone. I enjoyed a lot of your descriptions and attention to certain details and I think that if you worked a bit more on not letting Sarah become another stereotypical party girl, this could end up being really good.
*I noticed quite a few places where words were left out or punctuation was missing. Because it happened so often, the work seemed sloppy. It made me think that you hadn't read this over or had it proofread before posting it, which makes it seem like you don't take much pride in the work, you know? If you do need a beta to go over your stuff before you post it, you can consider using the Editing and Proofreading thread.