Firework Eyes - Comments

So, I'm gonna comment on this story because I just finish reading it....;-) and I love it and just because you said no one comment's on it...oh god and that crazy janitor is back....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.......Ok, well I'll probley talk to you in like 5.6 seconds. And put up your GOB story!! :-)

Oh Mike, how I positively adore you. You make my life. <33333

Ooh, she's a dirty little liar, there was a something.
And Zach's room sounds badass. I want a room like that.
I would make it glow in the dark but then I'd never sleep, lol.

I love how you're writing this, it's perfect.
Even though it's a Vic story, I can't wait for Mike ^_^

can't wait for more to come =]

<3

I like it.

<3

I LOVE IT.

I especially liked her interaction with Zach. Brief, but you can really tell she cares for her brother.
And I want to know what she was going to tell him before she was interrupted.
It was probably something miniscule and meaningless, like "Aren't they pretty?" or something (or maybe not lol) but either way, I am intrigued.

P.S. Zachary. Alexandria. Andrea. Are you stalking my family and stealing our names? It's getting kind of creepy. I love it, hahah.

Love your new PTV story. ;-) Ah, Kalee, my dear, dear Kalee, you always have the best stories. EVER and I love how her little brother is name Zack and your layout is AWESOME and the picture is awesome and I just love everything. It's FAWESOME. Right. So, I just texted you and everything so.....:-) LOVE IT.....and finish your other story.
Sincerly....AB-...Ingrid..;-)
This is all.

Good start.(: looking forward to reading more

I'll be honest: I only started reading this because her name is Alexandria and that's my name.
And my best friend is in LOVE with Vic so I thought it would be funny to tell her that I have her man =D

Anyway...

I really like how this is starting but I have a few suggestions:
1) GO IN DEPTH.
And I mean this in both dialogue and descriptions. The way you described her was perfect. But you should try doing this for EVERYTHING. As in the surrounding area, all the people, the emotions in peoples - both externally and internally.
Like this line, "It suits her, Vic thought. The house was clean, polished, comfortable."
You want to go in depth about how her house looks inside and why it suits her.
You seem to have a lot of dialogue so far. That could work but mostly if you have some pretty epic lines. And the fact that it's so short could really draw people away.

2) Thought Bubbles
Italicized fonts could work for thought bubbles but it’s not exactly ideal. It might get confusing after a while, especially if you use italics to stress a word. You might want to write it different like, “Vic thought about how well her house suited her because…” and blah blah blah.
Also, I’ve noticed a lot of people on this site have their characters have inner battles with their conscience. But I think you’ll be fine, as long as you don’t do the thing like:
“It’s because you love her.”
“Whoa! Who’s this??”
“I’m your conscience, Vic.”

Because, really, who does that?
But it’s your own personal preference. It’s your story so do what you like.

3) Author’s Note
Another thing I’ve noticed people doing is explaining what happened in the entire chapter. It’s like, “Thank you, Captain Obvious.”
Or they’ll mention things in the chapter that give things away that will happen in future chapters, which takes out the suspense of the story. Plus it wouldn’t make me – or other readers – willing to continue reading because we’ll already know.
You haven’t done any of this yet but it’s just a pet peeve of mine and I wanted you to know, haha. I’m lame.

4) A better main summary.
I know you said it wasn't the best description, haha, but you don't really have to have a real description. You could try putting an excerpt from a future chapter or a few lyrics from a song or something like that.

and this one is a personal preference
5) A great layout.
I like yours right now because it relates to this chapter but you want something that would be okay to look at while continuing to read future chapters. The colors and the images can get a bit overwhelming after reading a few chapters. So a simple banner with a simple background could work.

Please don't take this as harsh criticism. I'm just giving in depth advice that I've learned with time.
I really like your story so far and can't wait for future chapters =)

P.S. I did not realize this comment was so freaking long. I feel like I’ve wasted five minutes of your life, I’m sorry lol