Haha yeah typos are a horrible fact of late night writing. Thank you for the comment though, I appreciate it :) I took what you said on board and thinking through the first chapter again.
January 17th, 2011 at 02:34pm
Hi Okii.
A nice little piece. Mostly great spelling and punctuation but a couple of little typos have crept in there. A hazard of any writer who likes to write late at night! LOL.
I'm interested to see where you take this story, as this seems to be the end, to me.
I'm not sure how old Melody is, but she seemed maybe early to mid 20's to me. I'm thinking, it may be interesting to make her younger and go through her downward spiral from there. The only reason I say this is, I felt as though you were a little uncomfortable with the characters, and making Melody younger may help you relate better to her, therefore translating this to your reader.
Perhaps have a go at re-writing it in first person and see how it turns out? I don't know, it might work, it might not.
I think if you delete the first sentence of the first paragraph it will make a much stronger opening.
All the best, and thanks for sharing!