October 18th, 2010 at 02:23am
Wow.
I really liked how at first it seemed like it was all in the third person, then it turned out to be in the first.
I thought the whole thing was really good. I liked how you closed it with I’m the one that’s too stupid to know how to stop it. It made me feel like the person realised something, like they were really thinking about what was happening.
I loved how even though your prompt was hard, you made it work really well!
The only thing I don't like so much is that I'm entered in the same contest as you, and now I dont have even the smallest chance :)
So first of all, I thought this was excellent. Like, SUPER excellent. In fact, it was so excellent that I shared it with my friend and she was like OMGWOW.
...but anyway. /turns on head shrink machine
I will admit that at the outset, I thought it was in third person and that the main character was the scarred girl. So, I was like D: because it was so good, that I wasn't sure how to tell you that you'd done it wrong. But THANK you for the surprise at the end. :3 I was a little sad (I know, I know. Dumb, because of the type of contest. XD) at the end because she WAS stupid- your main character seems like a very nice guy.
My favorite part wasss:
"Because while he ignores her, and she remains completely in the dark to all the things wrong with him, I sit here next to her, just waiting for the day they both realize their mistakes. I’m waiting for the day she realizes that he’s not good enough for her, and that what she really needs has been next to her all along."
PERFECT sentences. ESPECIALLY the second/ last one. If you'd have ended it right there, I would've cried. (seriously.) So, very excellent entry, and I will see you again to deliver a limerick on November 10th (judgment day). Good luck! :D