The Exception - Comments

The last part of this was super super cute. It made me smile. The beginning however felt kind of impersonal to me. It's hard to explain but it was hard for me to find the emotion in the girl towards this Ransom fellow.

Still, it was a really cute story, slightly cliche, but cute none the less. (:

I think the colors of the layout are beautiful. They work together very well and match with the butterflies.

You made Kayne seem so believable. Most of the stories I read are pathetic girls like ‘Bella Swan’ (god forbid) or too perfect, too beautiful or too much. You know? But the way you explained her fits. You told it wonderfully.

I actually did something I hardly ever do. I scrolled down to spoil it for myself haha. I was at the part where you were explaining about how she figured the third date was time for the speech and I just had to scroll down haha. The part that made my day was this: “and I won’t suck your dick, ever.” That has to be one of the best lines I’ve ever read.

You writing was well writing, I couldn’t find any typos which impressed me since I keep having to tell people to proof read.

Good job

Story Review Game.

Layout
Normally I don't like it when layouts have white font, but for this is worked out quite nicely. It's very pretty and gives a sort of calm air to it. Sets the mood for the story quite well.

Summary.
The summary doesn't exactly pull me in. I'm not really interested in her speech--I just don't feel that it pulled me in very well. However, I adore the name and spelling of Kayne. I'm used to it being a male's name and being spelled Cain like in the story of Cain and Abel. /biblereference. I really like your name choices though, Ransom and Kayne very interesting picks.

Content
This is a one shot, yes? I don't really think that you need to give your characters these huge names, I feel like you're setting up your characters too much---when this isn't really going to be that long. But then that's just my opinion, it's good that you get tight with your characters, it shows how dedicated you are as an author.

Oiy, that totally reminds me of my highschool days. The way you describe her lack of boyfriends--*cries* reminds me of me. Except I'm not extremely pretty, I'm just saying, I didn't really date much back in high school, and it wasn't because I didn't want to. It's because no one else wanted to. /sad.

Kayne is gorgeous and popular and a star soccer player. She is normal, by normal standards.--This line doesn't really make much sense to me. What is your idea of normal? Because certainly not gorgeous, popular and a star athlete doesn't really foot the bill in my opinion. You already said she's beautiful so I don't feel like you need to state how awesome her appearance is again--but also this sentence doesn't make much sense...at least not to me.

That's kind of annoying, that she knows the speech scares boys off and yet she continuously gives it. It's like she knows that they're going to run away and she almost wants to happen--but then again I don't blame her. She wants to know who's serious and who's not, right?

It stopped hurting her when she became weary. I don't really feel like this sentence belongs...it just doesn't sound right with the rest of that paragraph. Maybe something along the lines of "it doesn't hurt so much if you're not attached..." that would just sound better to me. I don't really like the use of 'weary' in this context.

Ransom Zane Mitchell is an exception. I kind of feel like this would have twice the effect if you said he was the exception. Just a personal thing...

or some rich girl’s rant about how bad their boyfriend is in bed. I don't really get how that has to do with anything. I understand the whole focusing on school and other things...but where did that come from? Also, I feel like the term "she's falling for him" is just so over used especially when there's only been five dates...that's not a lot and from my experience by this you either still really like him or you're sick of him--not falling for him. Which in my opinion means you're falling in love.

My mistake, the third date.

Wait, It’s only the third date, she thinks, it’s not serious yet, no need for a speech. She thinks it's the third date? Or she thinks it's not serious yet? Or she thinks there's no need for a speech? I'm confused. I think that you should either get rid of 'she thinks' or just rephrase that sentence all together.

The way you describe Ransom definitely reminds me of Alex Pettyfer.

There’s a scar on his lower jaw from where he fell off the jungle gym when he was seven on rocks and it stretches up toward his ear.--whoah, okay you're doing third person omnitious, at least you were in the beginning so the narrator would only know about Kayne, then. So I feel like unless he told her we wouldn't know how he got his scar, and if he did tell her I feel like you should elaborate on the fact that he did tell her.

He’s really deep and Kayne and he usually have incredible conversations that last for hours, but she loses herself sometimes.. The beginning of this just sounds awkward to me.

I like Ransom. He sounds like an actual intelligent teenager which is sadly so hard to find. I'm almost thinking of a sort of mixture of Alex Pettyfer and Shane West.

their mozzarella sticks and strawberry shakes.--this is just kind of a personal thing. But mozzarella sticks kind of seem out of place in a diner--especially with strawberry shakes...yuck.

That speech was a bit much. >.< Like even I would get weirded out hearing a girl say that. That's something that you're supposed to grow to know when you're with someone. Yeah, I can see why that would scare someone away--and I totally agree with the dick sucking. Never.

Her head was frightened of his reaction...I'm sorry that just sounds funky. Her head was frightened? I think it should be She was frightened, lol.

Grammar.
He does what he wants, he speaks his mind, he does crazy things that intimidate most people. add an 'and' before the last he.

There was one other thing but I lost it. >.< If I find it again I'll let you know. But otherwise you're spelling and grammar is very awesome.

Overall
To be honest with you, I liked the second half better than the first. I felt like there was more emotion put into it than the first half. Like, I felt like it was more personal. And also there was a hell of a lot more description. Like everything was pretty sounding and I could picture the surroundings, while the first half just kind of sounded flat and like you were just trying to get through it.

Some parts kind of felt unrealistic and stiff to me. But I already went through all of that. I feel like what you need to work on is your flow, and your attachment to your characters in emotion. I can tell that you already know your characters, but I feel like you need to get in touch with what they're feeling instead of just what they're doing. Kay?

Nice job. :)

^ I thought the same thing, especially with the speech and such.

I really love this, it's so sweet and honest. I feel the same way that Kanye does about almost all of what she said. It'd take a a lot of courage to say that to someone in case they weren't to stay.

You've wrote something beautiful :)

I agree - this is too cute! However, I'll admit that when I saw Kanye, I totally thought of the Taylor v. Kanye deal with the VMAs. Anyways, I really love how it's written. It's clean and nice and I really like that. I also really like how it goes from Ransom is a total free soul - how ironic is that? xD Random is usually associated with being captured, but I really like how it's used here - then it comes to Kanye's speech. I really, really loved the part in Kanye's speech, especially the ending, where she says that she "won't suck his dick" xD It made me laugh.
Anyways, very nice job here (: <3