Loving Pain. - Comments

The layout is really good. I loved how the banner matched the story so well. I think you could've made the story area the size of the picture, but it was still really good. The actual story was breathtaking. I loved how you had contrary things in one statement---"While you experienced pleasure, I experienced pain," as one example. You are an amazing writer. Good job! (:

I adored this. It is amazing how you managed to capture the sheer essence of a bad relationship in less than one hundred words. I actually enjoyed the use of the word stab; I think that made the words hit that much harder. The only mistake I saw was a missing r in the word your but that has already been pointed out. I really enjoyed this drabble; it had a huge impact on me, as I've been through an experience roughly equivalent.

[font=1]I can feel my lungs collapse, and like a game of dominos, every other organ falters from the knife.
I lovelovelove this simile, but I feel like it might be stronger if you left out the "from the knife" part. It's shorter, hits home harder, seems to add more emotion.
I love the pain and anguish the narrator is going through throughout this whole thing. It seems like a emotional pain, as well as a physical one. <3
this is beautiful.
I think you missed an "r" in your, in the part about "your actions", though.
and I agree with summer teeth. about the word "stab". everything else flows so prettily and is filled with like, honest pain, and then the "stab" just seems to come from nowhere and doesn't quite fit with the artsy words you've already written.
but either way, this is beautiful. :inlove:

This was amazing.

I love the juxtaposition of the whole thing. It's so compelling and works wonderfully. I love the image of lungs collapsing and organs faltering. I almost wish you'd use a different word than "stab" for the fourth line, because everything else you've done is so innovative, but I just adore the choice to use the word "swell." It sounds so forced and unnatural, it's perfect. The last line is powerful, and leaves you satisfied.

It`s good(:

That was amazing. At first I thought it was the summary and I was excited to read it because with a summary that good the story had to be amazing, but it was perfect like that. The layout was gorgeous and the picture matched the story perfectly.
The whole thing was just perfect. I don't think I have any other words to describe it.
Amazing <3

Okay, so I'm speechless right now. I'm so, so sorry if this comment sucks, but really. This was so amazing. I think I read it over and over again, like, ten times. It's that powerful. You say so much in so little words; that's talent. The way she feels and everything that went on...man, it's perfect. Basically, fallen idols. said everything that I wanted to.
Bravo! <3

Oh, Vee.You amaze me. :3
I can feel my lungs collapse, and like a game of dominos, every other organ falters from the knife. I adore this line and the idea that they all begin to fail after the narrator's lungs. Gorgeous. But, shouldn't the comma be after the 'and'?
Psh, you said that you wanted to write as well as me but it's actually the other way around. You're so talented and your words are just beautiful. The idea's you put into your words are just... unbelievable. I could take every single line of this and tell you how much I love it, but I think it goes without saying that I adore this whole drabble. {even though i did just say it...}
I love you and your words, Vee. (L)

Oh, wow, I absolutely loved that! Haha. It shows sooo much emotion, I can feel it. My most favorite line has to be I can feel my lungs collapse, and like a game of dominos, every other organ falters from the knife. I especially loved the 'game of dominos' part; how you compared it to that is really good. And the last line is so exceptional, I can't describe it. Haha. Your kiss is filled with poison so deadly I can’t comprehend the addiction it comes with. - The addiction part shows lots of emotion. This short drabble tells the readers so many things about what's going on and how the two people are feeling. This is amazing. <3

I..don't even know what to say. I actually am kind of obsessed. It read--to me like slam poetry. I could just imagine the power within the narrator's voice and that's probably the thing I love most about it. I love every single description about the pain and just...the way she feels. And just yeah.
.
What fallen idols said. This is fucking amazing.

HOLYSHIT THIS IS FUCKING AMAZING.
<3

Wow. This was very powerful.

I love your writing style. It's almost poetic. There were elements of this one that reminded me alot of Carol Ann Duffy's poem, Havisham, and I loved that idea, as both have very similar themes and ideas behind them.

Your juxtapositioning is fantastic. You place such copntradictory statments next to each other, and the effect is profound. I particularly love this line:
"Your intentions are swell, but you actions travel with the bullet."
It's very strong and works so, so well.

Your use of pause and breaks is also amazing. You leave each sentence/paragraph short for maximum impact, and the broken up style of it fitted the description of the relationship you were trying to portray.

I love it. It's stark and harsh, but it's amazing.

At first, I thought this was still the summary I was intrigued. But the tone you use is alive and well stated for. I felt something, the banner really helped as well. This short piece was full of emotions and even if someone couldn't put themselves into a situation of a bad relationship, the feelings are understandable and there.