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  • WaterWisp

    WaterWisp (100)

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    Hey =)
    Awesome story =D
    I would write more... but I'm too tired to think...
    Next chap asap kk?
    December 14th, 2010 at 02:23pm
  • ranavalona

    ranavalona (100)

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    wait.. who is Valarie??

    I should read the first nine chapters i guess....
    November 5th, 2010 at 08:37pm
  • sectumsempra

    sectumsempra (100)

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    I was very immersed in the story, right from the beginning. I could relate very well with your main character, haha. Damn stories not going the way you want them too.

    And in the first chapter, why did his stomach growl in reply? Was he going to eat her? Would she taste like coconut and oranges? D:

    Yes, okay, so it could use some editing here and there but that's what December and the rest of the year is for. Sometimes the story didn't flow as well as it could have (starting a lot of the sentences with "she", for example: She did sighed. She smoothed her hair back. She wished things could be different. And so on). Sometimes it seems like you could combine sentences as well. I'm not going to be srsly~ nitpicky here though, 'cause yeah. And I agree with the person above, your word count is really quite impressive. Aha, I'm envious.

    Nice job so far.
    November 2nd, 2010 at 10:32pm
  • cruciatus.

    cruciatus. (455)

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    I really like this. You have a really nice style of writing, and I could see this as a published book. I felt as if I was reading an actual book, not just my computer screen. Cute I noticed a couple of changes in tenses and points of view as well, and a few awkward phrases, but that's all a part of NaNo, and I'm sure that when you revise, it'll be even more amazing than it already seems like it's going to be. Cute
    November 2nd, 2010 at 10:32pm
  • roe.

    roe. (100)

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    Wow! This looks interesting.
    Just make sure you check your point of views and your tenses (I notice you slipped out of first and third a few times)

    Jeez. You have more words than me. D:
    I'm only up to 2,079.
    November 2nd, 2010 at 03:32am