All Eyes on Emery - Comments

First of all, your title is great. It flows really nicely. I did find the text in your layout too small to read comfortably though, and actually switched to the default so I could read it.

Your first line is great - "empty like a plastic doll's" really stuck with me. All your sentences really are just beautifully constructed. It's just very emotive and powerful. I can picture this scene so clearly, and feel like I'm really connecting with Emery and her fury.
The ending was absolutely spectacular. I really loved "And that scared, shaking, stern voice that only a mother can have" as well. Just a very realistic piece supported by excellent description. I can only imagine the fallout and Emery's inner turmoil after the accident too. Such a brilliant closing.

Fantastic job and good luck in the contest!

wow. This was incredible. I loved reading every bit of it, in fact, I think I'll read it again. Just, wow. I loved it so much. It's so descriptive and I just LOVED it. Thanks so much for the entry!

Story Review Thread.

Layout: It`s really good and I love the picture, it is aboustly amazing
the coloring of the text fits good with the layout

Summary: It makes me want to read the story, because it seems juicy
and I`m guessing the girls name is Emery
that is a beautiful name(:

Mistakes:
I didn`t find any

Likes: Just off on the first sentence I can tell you are good with your descriptions, better then I ever will be. You don`t just say she has blue eyes you descripe what kind of blue and that they are deep, that`s good, you explain how they look, feel(by saying they are hard) and you even use similies...amazing

By you calling the girl Barbie it makes me imagine what her personality or and looks are like and that`s good

I like how you keep saying Quinlan who this and who that

“Oh, and do me a favor, you fakeass drunk, have a few more beers before you decide to drive yourself home, will you?”
^ i like that, like how she told him to die without actually saying it

I like how I found out why you did that picture and found out it fit even more

Dislikes: I didn`t find any mistakes
although I dislike that it ended :(
It would be really nice to know how she reacted
like she would prob. have mixed feelings about him in a car accident
and maybe quality bc she told him to basicially
and I would want to know how hurt he was and if he was going to live, or if he was already dead

Questions: Where do you come up with your names or like how?

Comments: This boy most be stupid if everyone is watching him or Emery and he like doesnt even notice
annnnd hes an ass
shes a ginger lol
If I was her I would of killed him like a couple secs after I saw them togather

Overall: loved it(:

PS: I wish I had more to write but it wasn`t very long so

So I have to say that I adore your name choices. They are so unique. I've never heard the name Quinlan in my life. Emery-while I've heard it is not one commonly used and I adore it. I like how she was able to just stand there and watch. I like how she was able to view it and calmly think over what she would do, and the way she threatened him at first was awesome. Though I kind of wish she would've kept her cool--it would've been way more scary that way. Karma, for reaaaal. Damn, that ending.

This was really an amazing one shot. It was heartbreaking and sad - extremely believable too. The only thing I really did not like - though I know she was angry, obviously - was how played up her cussing at him was. It really took away from how great and well written this was. I know it's your one shot and you'll probably keep the dialogue, it's just that if it was edited a little bit, I think this thing could really reach it's full potential.

The ending though, the ending was the best. I know it's awful to say because he died, but just the way you tied it in together was the icing on the cake. Though a bit predictable, it fits the situation best.

Oh my gosh. This was. Wow. It's so sad how she finds her ass boyfriend with another girl :| I swear to God, guys piss me off so much. Quinlan takes the crown, honestly. He seems like an immoral individual and just disgusting person all around.

While she’s thinking still, going over their relationship and processing possible ways to kill him, (castration, suffocation, burning him alive)... I love her thoughts over here. I wouldn't blame her for being angry :|

After she’s come back from Neverland, she’s alive. There’s adrenaline and electricity bubbling through her veins and she’s on fire, like she’s just smoked a wet joint. I love this sentence the most. Dunno why, but I do <3

Quinlan pulls away and his lips are red and swollen and dropped in an O of surprise. I would pay to see this. I'd probably laugh at him. Dumbass :|

And that scared, shaking, stern voice that only a mother can have says, “Quinlan’s been in an accident.” Okay, wow, I didn't expect that at all! I mean, yeah, he's been drinking and all, but he'd seriously drive while drunk? Man. I'm speechless right now.

I'm seriously in love with this. You have no idea. I hope you win first place. You deserve it (: <3