Hrm. just read your story and I think it's interesting and you can go places with it. However I do have some critiques that I think could help you improve.
First I think making some smaller paragraphs would be nice, most of yours are quite big, and scare me a bit, making me think that they could probably be made smaller. If they can't don't worry about it, it isn't too much of a fixer xD
One thing that I really did notice throughout your story is you start off a lot of your sentences with verb ending with "ly." Examples: "Reluctantly, I opened my car door and stepped into the knee-high grass." "Abruptly, the tall blades stopped tickling my knees, and I had finally reached the old, wooden deck. " "Gently, a tear drop fell from my cheek onto the deck." And that's just in the first paragraph xD Grammatically you aren't supposed to do that. It feels like... I'm not sure. Like you are stating something strong, and then peddling off with the rest of the sentence. Almost like watching something frame by frame in a movie.
Also I think if you added to your layout, you could draw more people in when they read the story. Though I have noticed that you've made small changes to the original layout.
Aside from those details I think you have writing talent and I think you could polish this up into a good story. Keep writing! :)
first comment virginity
First I think making some smaller paragraphs would be nice, most of yours are quite big, and scare me a bit, making me think that they could probably be made smaller. If they can't don't worry about it, it isn't too much of a fixer xD
One thing that I really did notice throughout your story is you start off a lot of your sentences with verb ending with "ly."
Examples:
"Reluctantly, I opened my car door and stepped into the knee-high grass."
"Abruptly, the tall blades stopped tickling my knees, and I had finally reached the old, wooden deck. "
"Gently, a tear drop fell from my cheek onto the deck."
And that's just in the first paragraph xD
Grammatically you aren't supposed to do that. It feels like... I'm not sure. Like you are stating something strong, and then peddling off with the rest of the sentence. Almost like watching something frame by frame in a movie.
Also I think if you added to your layout, you could draw more people in when they read the story. Though I have noticed that you've made small changes to the original layout.
Aside from those details I think you have writing talent and I think you could polish this up into a good story.
Keep writing! :)