Savior of the Broken - Comments

Awe, I love this! They layout is really cute and so is the banner. Your writing is really good too and I love that the chapters are all long and well thought out. Oh and I absolutely am in love with Zacky and A7X fics so I'm glad I got this in the swap. :)

You're a very skilled writer. I really like your style.
One thing: the summary = scary long, to the point where I thought it was a chapter and got really confused. Summaries are for summarizing. Short, and to the point. A paragraph or two at most to draw readers in. Also, unless you're in a night club with general admission, pit tickets would be well over $40. Just sayin'.

love this so much update soon

I usually don't like too many stories that involve a baby or pregnancy,
but oh my god. this is so cute. and I love how they aren't perfectly healthy, the illness makes them a bit more real, if you know what I mean.

Zacky!! Definitely

Zackyyy!

update soon please i love this

*gasp!* Love.

Love the story, I'm dying for a new chapter<3
Update soon please (:

Hm , hm , hm .
I enjoyed reading this , I must say .
The way you write is very nice , very bright and detailed .
Its easy to visualize things , and I really , really like that .

The way its put together is fantastic .
Hm , I can't really find much wrong with this story .

:)

Story Review Game:

Prologue
I like how you opened; usually, I dislike it when stories are opened like yours is but yours is light and casual, so I like it.
I don't get this line, though: "...poured over every music video," I just don't understand what you mean by "poured over" a music video.
So this is an Avenged Sevenfold story? I don't really know them, so I'll try my best, haha.
After the concert, it moves quickly. One minute she's in the crowd watching the show and the next she's being whisked off and then it's two months later. It's too fast with too little description and I think just a little bit of description could play off the time jump smoothly.
Okay, it still moves quickly after the two month jump, but you played that off better. It's harder to add to an eight month jump and because Zacky's not in those eight months, it's obviously harder to make it interesting without that main character.
All in all, a good prologue. (I'm going to review up to chapter two, okay?)

Chapter One
Just so you know, you aren't supposed to have links in your stories. You can put them in your author's notes, I believe.

The dialogue between Riley and her stepmother is very good. It sounds like any college-age girl who'd gotten pregnant and abandonded by the father.
The Please forgive me Lord, for I have sinned made me laugh, simply because of it's placement in the story; it's good comic relief in the anxious situation Riley's in with her father.
Riley's father's characterization is done well; he sounds like any overprotective Catholic father would.

Chapter one is as good as the prologue; its time jumps, however, are played off better with the line breaks you put in.

Chapter Two
Again, I don't think you're supposed to have links in the story.

Kadie and Riley's dialogue at the beginning is wonderful. You write children realistically, not like crazy, hyped up squirrels most writers do. Good job :)

Zacky's point of view is done well; and the reason why the boys are in the park is great. I could see the meeting set up before it happened and it played out easily.

-----

This is a good story. I'm usually not one for famous-person-father stories, but yours is well written and entertaining. Your writing style is light and casual, making it easy and fun to read. There aren't many (if any) spelling mistakes and I didn't noticed too many grammar mistakes, but they were minor. Great job

i think there should be drama between Brian, Riley, and Zacky.
and then in the end go with whoever you think would be best for her.

& GREAT STORY SO FAR! I LOVE IT<3

Why can't she just have both?

For the story comment swap thread. (I read the first two chapters, by the way)

What an arsehole! I hope everything works out for her ): I liked the part about the Li-Fraumeni’s, I think that's really interesting. It'd be an interesting plot device, especially considering how awful she must feel for possibly giving her daughter this disease, something that she has absolutely no control over.

I think that linking pictures in the chapters is against the rules on Mibba, but I'm not sure. Anyway, I think that describing how the people look would be more engrossing to the reader, that way we can really get into the story as we start to picture the characters in our own minds.

Well done and good luck with the rest of the story! :)

Uh....both:D

Hmmmm I do believe this should be updated(:

<_< Update soon..(numro 4 bai bai~<3 )

love this so much more more more lol

ahhhh dang, scadelous! lol i'm loving it. update soon!

Ohh myy gossh, I'm loving this story! It's great! Please update soon (: