Snap! - Comments

"I'm going to die," she smiled lightheartedly. My eyes widened. "Yup," she popped her 'P'. "Not any time soon-" I exhaled my breath in relief. "-but eventually. So will you."

I love this line. It's a nice outlook on life, one that all of us should have.

I saw a few run-on sentences in this, I think.

Like where it says:

I was capturing the moment I couldn't resist. It should say:

I was capturing the moment. I couldn't resist.

But other than that and a few others, this was great.

I really liked the concept with this.

It literally made me think, which is always good.

I also loved the chemistry between the two.

Good job.

I like what you did with this.

The very beginning, before the dialouge, was great. I loved the way you wrote it.

"Happy and normal, sad and normal. We meet in the middle I think.

Snap"

Especially that part. The short sentences are great, and really catch your attention right from the very beginning.

The dialouge, too, was really cute and well written, but I wish you would have expanded just a little more toward the end with the "I'm going to die" part. But I love the way you said she "popped her 'P.'"

Also, I noticed this sentence: "She proceeded to gaze at me her doe eyes matched her hair."

I'm guessing there should be comma in there? That's the only thing I saw wrong with it, though.

Lovely job. :)

Wow, this was really good. I had to read it two times, since I didn't really absorb it the first time, but it was overall an excellent short story. Lots of emotion in only a few words :D

I have to start off by saying: My name is CATHERINE! I love you. :D

"No, I just like to ask questions but I don't really want answers," I rolled my eyes sarcastically.
Sarcasm makes me smile :)

"I'm going to die," she smiled lightheartedly. My eyes widened. "Yup," she popped her 'P'. "Not any time soon-" I exhaled my breath in relief. "-but eventually. So will you."
Wow. The philosophy in that answer is just breathtaking. The way she’s so natural and accepting and brave about it. It’s like, most people waste all this time thinking about how they’re going to die one day and they sit there being afraid of it when this, right here, is how it should be handled.

Seriously, I love how natural and real your writing is. You don’t make people seem all cookie-cutter. Reading this, I feel like the neighborhood creeper, watching a scene going on through someone’s bedroom window from the street [/overlylongsimile]. It’s really sweet and genuine and I love it.

Good luck with your contest!! <3

This was really sweet. I like the dialogue between the two characters; it was so natural. It was really good.

All right I fixed it up lets see what happens now =]

lol I was trying to stay in word boundaries but grammatical stuff... dang I'm never good at that *is off to find a beta*

I really like the concept of this. It was simple and sweet. But it was distracting to read because there were so many grammatical errors, and I don't think you should ever, ever write out someone's laughter. It just looks awful, something better would be he laughed, "dialogue here...." You know? But otherwise, I really enjoy what you're trying to convey. very sweet.