August 13th, 2012 at 04:44am
Awesome storyline so far. I like the characters and I think you've done really well with describing the setting (the two things that often go awry in mibbian works).
I would suggest not having too much cursing in your story. That seems silly to say since this is NC-17 and you should be able to write what you want, but if you ever want to try and get this published, you'll find that most publishers are not impressed by cursing in stories and that most editors will take it out for you.
I also would suggest reading the story to yourself a little more. I noticed - and I'm probably the only one who noticed because I'm a horrible grammar nazi - a few errors that were inconsequential and didn't distract from the story at all. But if you wanted to fix those mistakes, all you'd need to do is read back through your story aloud. It can feel silly at first reading aloud to yourself, but it really helps you see where all the kinks in your story are. If you falter at all when reading, then you know you need to fix a certain part or another.
Finally, I would suggest that you get a beta to read over your work. You write extremely well, but some of the grammar parts to it threw me off a little. They were unimportant mistakes once more - a comma used instead of a period, a semicolon instead of a comma - but when they show up over and over again it gets distracting. Getting a beta to edit your work could do wonders for you.
I'm definitely going to recommend this story because I think it was very well written and I hope you keep up with it because it was a very interesting read. Good luck in the contest ^^
This was truly lovely. I adore the layout in itself and I've always been a huge fan of Greek Mythology. I really like your writing style and your descriptions. I also love the dynamics your characters have. Keep going! This will be even more beautiful than it is already.