Pretty Words Make An Easy Deception - Comments

Comment swap.

I'm starting on the first chapter and may move on to the others, but for now I'll just dive right in with your prologue.

Chapter 1

This line needs minor fixing: No one has had time to pick one yet, so you can have anyone you want sweetie” There should be a fullstop at the end of the sentence before the dialogue closes. You make this mistake in the last piece of dialogue at the end of the same paragraph.

I knew this is the one I wanted, and I’m wasn’t going to let anyone take it. "I'm" in the second half of the sentence needs to be changed to "I".

...and you said yes, If it really was important you... The capital "If" is a mistake so I suggest ending the previous sentence at "and you said yes" or changing that "If" to "if".

So I yelled out a simply ‘yea’ Change "simply" to simple.

...couple of more picture frames... Drop the "of".

While I enjoy the general feeling and the air of mystery, I think a lot of work can still be done to improve on this chapter. You spent two paragraphs describing the house, which I don't think is necessary. Readers don't need to know how many rooms or bathrooms a house has. I'd suggested using that space to explore and explain the reasons for Tegan and her family moving to the new house in the first place. I feel like I know so little about them, and as an introduction it should contain information about the characters!

You ended the chapter on SUCH a strong note, though! It was powerful and engaging, and I think if you had more of that throughout I might have found it more interesting.

I hope this doesn't seem to nitpicky. I'll be reading the rest of the chapters now, and I may or may not comment. Anyway, if this was helpful in any way then I'm glad, but if I was too pedantic then I'm sorry. I can't seem to help it. Overall, I think there's a lot of potential to this story and would recommend you find a beta reader to help you reach that potential.

First of all, I really like the title, it's creative, and strong and mysterious. It really draws you in. Your style of writing isn't my favourite, but I must give kudos, because you are a lovely writer. I do have to stress the difference between 'there', 'their' and 'they're'. Fix that, and your story will be next to perfect. I've subscribed. So I can't wait for the next update. Entrance us with Skylar's and Teagan's story :D

I read the first two chapters and there weren't many grammatical errors aside from a few missing commas and such, but those are minor and don't take away from the story itself. Although I get that the premise is the main character moving to a new school and having a new life and Skylar seems to be the man male character, I still feel like I don't know the main character that well. She's kind of a one-dimensional character to me; she isn't very "fleshed" out and is so far just another "stereotypical" teenage. I really hope as the chapters progress she becomes more of her own self.

There are some paragraphs you need to put spaces in between in the first chapter, and some of the paragraphs are read a little awkward to me (too much movement and character changes all in one chapter).

You also kept switching from present tense to past tense. Tense always has me a little confused, too, but if you read back through it I'm sure you can fix the changes.

This story has a lot of promise, though. I hope everyone rounds out into their own character. It seems really promising and I hope to read more about what happens!

This needs updated soon!!!

Comment Swap! This story really well written. I'm on the second chapter now, but I'm not sure that it's my cup of tea. However, there is no spelling or grammatical mistakes, which is always a plus. It's well written, and the characters are very well developed. I hope you keep writing it, as I feel many people will enjoy this story. Thanks for sharing it with the world :)

I found this through a comment swap and I have to say I am glad I did! You're plot line is interesting and you portray each character as their own wonderfully. I am not typically into the whole brother/sister relationships, but so far this one is an exception. I can't wait to see where you take this story. I am subscribed(:

Hey, I'm here through comment swap! I decided to take a leap and tick the 'Original Fiction' box as I've never read any original stories on here and I'm glad I got yours. Straight away the summary drew me in and left me curious and to Tegan and Skylar's secrets. I like the character background you've gave to them and i can't wait to read more! I think you write brilliantly. Update soon and keep up the good work! :)

So I just read your most recent chapter and I got a whole new feel for it. I'm not sure if it's just me or you intended it, but I got a darker feeling with this one. With Tegan mentioning the corpse again and then Skylar just in a daze. I may be reading too much into it, but maybe something happened when they were younger? That she is slowly begining to remember and Skylar is still trying to hide? Anyway, amazing chapter as usual :)

I brought myself here! It's awesome, except I would change the overall rating of the story... Mibba Admin are strict about it and the nc-17 chalet might get you in a ton of trouble, even with the warning. Anyways, recommended and subscribed. LOVE IT!!!!!!

Comment swap:
Your summary was very intriguing, i was really interested. Chapter one seemed a bit flat, but you have a very nice writing style.
You might want to comb through again, there were a few places where the wrong word was used or you said "would" instead of "Wouldn't"
Over all good job :)

Though I'm not a huge fan of brother/sister relationships and incest, the story as a whole is very well written. I really like all the characters, and despite huge differences I actually find Tegan to be a very relatable character, if that makes sense at all. Her second dream in chapter two, the one with the corpse, has me utterly baffled and confused. I'm trying to guess WHAT that could mean but I don't know. It's grotesque and creepy and... gah! I wish I know what it meant!! XD
Anyway, well done so far:)

You're very descriptive and compelling - in the first chapter, I think a few more details would have enriched the story a bit more, but overall, it was engaging. I recommend a comb through of each line. Read them aloud to check for errors and to make sure each sentence sounds "right". I noticed little mistakes, but overall this has great potential so keep writing.

So the lovely comment swap brought me here and all I have to say is omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg. Your summary it really great. It made me want to know everything so of course I was excited to read.
So with the shower scene I was like holy crap this is not happening and then I realized she was dreaming and just ugh. Anyway, I'm loving this and you need to keep writing. I didn't think I would like the idea of a brother and sister, but the way you write it is just wow. I am subscribing :)

I got this story from comment swap but So far this is really freak’n good. Scratch that, FANTASTIC. I am really enjoying it so far. Its just so wrong! But oh so right! ;D Oh man was I totally shocked at the shower scene! I wanted to cover my eyes but then I realized I couldn’t read that way lol. I really like your characters.

Alrighty, I got this story off of comment swap. I LOVE the layout. It is simple but pretty. Now, onto the story. I like the summary, it was short but it caught my attention. Plus, the bird picture thing was really pretty. The characters seem really real, and the way you write is amazing. I completly (sp?) agree with the comment below:)

(Comment Swap - Chapter One)

I liked this a lot. Your characters have believable personalities, and they seem to be developing at a steady rate. I didn't notice any major grammar or spelling mistakes. My one criticism concerns the dialogue. Your dialogue was definately the weakest part of this piece; it seemed silted and unnatural at times, lacking the easy flow of real life conversation. Other than that, I completely loved the story. Bravo!

*write more soon. :)

I really like how it's going so far.
Hope you