Lifeless Me. - Comments

Awe that's so sad <3

I loved it :D

This was amazing and heartbreaking.

I found myself wishing there was a little more buildup in the beginning, but I got over it. Obviously, by your detail distrubiting, the point of this wasn't meant for the beginning, but more or less, the end and strining questions. I really, really loved this even if it was sad. It fit the banner perfectly and it's a really unique idea. (:

Honestly, and oddly, I've never read a story that described CPR, aha.
It was a nice change of pace. :)
<3

THIS IS JIZZERIFIC.

I closed my blue eyes, knowing the battle was lost.
Felt a bit awkward when I read it, "...knowing I'd lost the battle." seems more smooth and buttery.(:

Charles, he swam closer and closer, grabbing me from around the waist and pulling me towards the waters break.
You don't need the "he" or the comma before it.

Okay, so, that was freaking good. And I mean GOOD. The whole idea of her soul watching the entire time, knowing there was nothing they could do was just...you're phenomenal.
Inwrote a short story similar to this about a year ago, only it was a girl who'd been dreaming of a boy and when she died in a crash(she watched the paramedics try to revive her as well) she found out the boy was actually an angel...so maybe that's why I loved this so much.
GAHHH. It's a short story but I get the urge to subscribexD

O_O My.
This was very, very good. I like how dramatic it is - how sad it is, even.

The banner is gorgeous, just saying. <3

From the summary, I can tell something bad is going to happen. OH NO. D:

Okay...My body lunged from side to side, going with the current; moving as one.

I am in love with this line. I dunno why, but I am.

Wow this story was really intense. I loved the way you didn't make it cliche. The dialogue is really realistic. I feel like I was in the story. D:

GREAT JOB :D

I loved the concept of Ashli's ghist narrating the whole thing. This was indeed chilling and I loved the ending. It was depressing. But staifying. It wasn't the same old happy ending. The banner is awesome by the way. Nicely done. :)

First off, kudos to you for not doing the cliche, happy ending. That quite enriched this oneshot.
I like the thread of desperation that you brought out at the end; my main con/crit would be to strengthen that throughout the piece. The use of italics once, to say 'Nothing' was quite chilling, and you could definitely use that more to strengthen the desperation.
Your dialogue is gripping, and there's a good amount of it. I would watch the flow; sometimes you use a comma where it should really be a new sentence.
Overall, nice job! Your banner is lovely, as well.

This was lovely. I bet the song, whatever it was, made it sadder to write.

Dangflabbit. I could cry, it's so sad. I expected her to wake up and Charles would be happy, and they'd all live happily ever after. You're so descriptive, it really made me feel like I was watching as he tried to save her. Great job(:

The layout for this was amazing. I really loved it. This was really sad... I can see it all so clearly in my head. I nearly cried out of frustration. I wanted her to wake up too!

Your description of the events really got me worked up, and I love reading things like that. Your style is something I have never seen before, and I really enjoy it. Good job!!

Starting off with the description: his eyes pleading with me to wake up from my endless sleep.
Aw! I seriously can see that in my head—a dead girl just lying there on the sand and the guy standing over her in shock…it makes me sad thinking about it.
Ps. I’m going to feel really stupid if it’s not supposed to be a dead girl…

Water surged into my lungs, choking my air off.
I like the use of the word ‘surge’ here. It’s a powerful word and the more I read it, the harder my breaths are. I really feel like I’m choking—the entire first paragraph is amazing in that sense. It makes me really think about and feel drowning, which is awesome for you as a writer.

…Yes he’s giving her CPR. Thank you.”
Comma after ‘yes.’ :)

Oh my gosh. This is….sad. Depressing. Beautiful. Powerful. Amazingly written by someone who obviously has extreme talent.

Seriously, the way you wrote the dialogue and the descriptions really put me in that zone where I’m apart of the story. It put me in Ashli’s place as she’s dying, then in Charles’s as he’s trying to revive her and then when they say she’s dead…I really feel that desperation and panic when he was giving CPR.

My gosh. The beach scares me <3

This was absolutely amazing, although it was quite sad.
You write very well, I loved this sentence which was also
in the summary: My body lunged from side to side, going
with the current; moving as one. It's sad that she dies,
but I'd love to see how the story would continue. Great job!

I quite like this.
I didn't expect it to be sad, but I still liked it -- I'm all for a tearjerker.
You're a rather good writer, dear.

This is so so so sad.
Why did she have to die????

OOOO!!HHH!

oh yes this is great dear don't tear it it reminds me of my story which by the way i'm having a hard time with

very lovely though its sad D: