She Almost Left Me - Comments

This hurtsssss it's so good:'( xxxxxxxxxx

Omg i love this! But i feel so betrayed! And conflicted! Xxxxxxxx

Chapter 1:

"Hey honey... I'll be late home tonight, the boys and me are going for a beer or three. Keep the bed warm for me. Love you."
*I'll be home late
*the boys and I

I like the idea of her calling her mum's old number to talk to her, in a way. :)
And I don't like this Danny character one bit. He can come in the house reaking of alcohol but she can't smell of smoke? >.>

Chapter 2:

Haha, I thought it kind of odd that she'd be thinking of how much she wanted kids after they just vandalised her house :P Usually, that's when people say they're never having them. I guess that shows just how much she wanted them.

Okay, so Danny is actually alright :) How sweet that he doesn't want to miss any of her smiles.

Chapter 3:

Naww, I think he cares a lot more for her than she thinks he does.

Ohh, ohh eww. I hope they'll be okay! :O Silly boy should have known better, though she wasn't in much of a better state to be driving.

Chapter 4:

Ohh, poor girl :/ What a way to wake up.
Good thing he was in the clear legally, at least.

Chapter 5:

He held her close and safe, as if she were china in his hands; as if she's break if he held her too tight or let her go; ...
*as if she'd break

Awh, poor Lauren. That's beautiful in a tragic way that she's playing with all the sick children in the hospital out of longing for a child of her own.

Chapter 6:

Ohh, so she lost sons in the prequel then. That's horrible :(

No one had known that just before her 'accident', she been to the hospital with pains in her abdomen, only to find that, after a scan, it was because there were two little souls in there, fighting for more space.
*she'd been to the hospital
This sentence is also a little too long, perhaps, or could be structured for a lighter read.

I like her tattoo idea. I think it's simple, but sweet.

I blush, realising this is the intimate part of her I've seen in a long time.
*most intimate part

She'd asked the girls to find out for her, but none of them had had any success as yet.
*as of yet.

I dunno what to think of Danny's whole out of body expeience. I get that he's in a coma, but I've always believed that people don't have out of body experiences unless they're actually dead for a few minutes or whatever. But, that's your belief, and I like that you've included it.

Chapter 7:

I like that you brought her mother back into the story for a brief moment, as it shows you've not forgotten the plot. :)

As soon as she found Molly, I think she should have called the police :O The child could have had loving relatives that were willing to take her in. It'd be nice if life were as simple as you made it out, because it can have a happy ending that way. :)

Chapter 8:

But I've seen on tele that people in coma's can hear everything you say to them, so why wouldn't they be able to think? Why wouldn't we be able to think?

I really like the idea behind this. :) Though, not all of what he somehow knows are things he's been told by people. Like about Molly.

Chapter 9:

Any reason why Tom's POV is in bold? Also, there's an extra bracket at the end of his POV.

Chapter 10:

They eventually broke out the wine.
Wasn't she already drinking wine?

:O! They can't do that! He's set to become a dad, and her fiance is in a coma!? Bad >.<

Chapter 11:

Lauren’s smile fades, and come back, and fades again. It feels strange now not to know what she’s thinking - I don’t know why I can’t, but I haven’t tried while she’d sleeping before.
*Lauren's smile fades, and comes back, and fades again.
*...haven't tried whilst she's been sleeping before.

Chapter 12:

He sighed and pulled his clothes on slowly, before walking down the stairs to exactly where she’d be: in the kitchen, making breakfast for three and a half people.
Three and a half people? Lauren, Tom, Molly..?

When that failed, she decided to fiddle around with the photo’s in the house. She stood up the laid down photo’s of Danny and her, smiled to herself slightly, and then turned them all to face the wall.
*photos, both times. "Photo's" would be used in a possessive sense. "Photos" is plural.

And she knew that she’d have contractions and that she’d bleed again and that she had to stay in the clinic for six hours while the little life inside her was killed with no mercy.
*...and that she'd have to stay in...

Without warning I could feel my eyes feel with tears.
*fill with tears

I told little Jack or little Ruby where we going and why, how Auntie Lauren and I had met and all about Uncle Danny.
*where we were going and why, and how

I'm glad she caught them...

Chapter 13:

A round black woman was a warm, motherly smile came over to Lauren and tapped her shoulder.
*...with a warm, motherly smile...

Gosh, she should have seen him sooner. It's made me think so little of her as a person.

Chapter 14:

I don't like that Danny's so forgiving of the whole situation.

And I don't like that Ellie is, either, because she's blamed herself, in part.

Chapter 15:

She began to snip his beard shorter and shorted, and the hairs fell delicately to the towel around his neck.
*shorter and shorter

:O He's waking up!

Chapter 16:

That was cute :) I'm glad he's awake.

Chapter 17:

It's good that Ellie's baby will be okay :)

"See you soon? Ellie asked.
*soon?"

"As soon as I get out of here, we're going to be a proper family," Danny smiling, looking at Lauren meaningfully.
*Danny smiled,..

And, how cute ^_^ She'll finally get what she no longer deserves, in my opinion.

Chapter 18:

I think it's a little silly that him not being there due to being in a coma is being compared to her cheating on him with his best friend whilst he (supposingly) knew nothing of it. And, it didn't seem she was going to tell him until he mentioned it.
She's a very lucky girl >.>

Chapter 19:

"Mummy's right, you know. We have to be up erly tomorrow - I have a surprise for you!"
*early

"Lauren, he whispered again, slowly descening onto one knee.
*"Lauren," he whispered...

Naww, glad he proposed in the end cos it'sgonna make them both happy.

Overall, very well written. Just a few typos and such throughout, but nothing that makes this unreadable.
The layout is fine too; nothing over the top.

One thing I didn't like about this story was how unbelievable it seemed at times. Like with Molly, and how Danny didn't suffer any brain damage upon waking up.
Also, the characters jump about a bit. One minute Lauren is a lovely girl and the next she's just horrid, but it's forgiven in the story in the blink of an eye. I think she should have recieved some form of punishment for all she did, besides losing the baby which was her own fault anyway.
But other than that, well done :)

Ohhhhhh. this just keeps getting more adorable.
but it's gonna end soon.
and that upsets me :(

xx

ufff.
makes me want to cryyy. with happiness.
its amazingggg.
next chapter please.

xxxxx

Almost cried.
this is adorable.
seriously adorable.
never stop writing.

xxx

So cuteeee.
So glad he's awake! :D

xx

OMG OMG OMG.
AMAZING. HE'S GONNA WAKE UP. AND EVERYTHING WILL BE SORTEDDDD.

xx

This is just so good. I want everyone to be happy now thoughh.

xx

Asdfghjkl this is so sad. but i love ittt.
love love love.
love it. :)

xx

I wish every time I finished a chapter the next one was upp.
Aww thanks babe, I'm glad it was up to your standard :P.
THIS IS JUST SO FUCKING FANTASTIC.

xx

Duuuuude, I know that I hate that tom is cheating, I LOVE this plotlinee.
never kill it
AND UPDATE AGAIN REAAAALL SOOON.
god i wanna hate lauren but i dont.

xx

ASDFGHJKL.
UHMAZING.
CAN'T BELIEVE IT THOUGHH.
JUST. JUST. JUST.
UPDATE AGAIN. UPDATE. UPDATE.
PLEASE.
LOVEXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

AWWWWWWRRRR THIS ISSSS SOOOOOOOO CUTE and totally worth the wait. Please please update again soon, this is like my lifeee <3
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Duddeeeeeee. Dudeeeeee.
This is so good, and with Danny being able to know everything, that is such a good fucking twist, and I just... can I marry this story?

ALSO, POST CHAPTER NINE ALREADY. DO IT NOW.
xxx

WRITE 8 AND POST IT.

uhmaaaaaaaaaaaazingggggg.
xxx

HURRY UP AND POST THE NEXT CHAPTER DAMMIT.

Dude, I flipping cried. That's how amazing this story is.
It was so cute, and all the little children were so cute, and I just I just teared up, okay.
POST CHAPTER SEVEN.

This makes me want to write again; you're an inspiration and I love you.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx<3<3

Uh, maaaaan, this is so cute.
You are the best writer I know, and I'm not even saything that or anything!
I'm so excited for every new chapter of thissssss, HURRY UP DAMMNIT.

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CRITICAL?! LOZZIE!

Babe, I will do a better comment on this but I've got to go and revise Geography now.
I LOVE YOU, THIS IS AMAZING

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