Cemetery Drive - Comments

Love it <3 please update soon :)
Please let them release Frankie and never find any evidence about anything
Smut smut smut smut smut smut smut smut smut..... Jus' sayin'... xD

just read first chapter GARR !!

AHHH MAYY ZIIING !! :) you my dear are amazing and so is this story cant wait to read more :)

Omg okay I have been going through a bunch of stories trying to find one I will actually enjoy but all i could think the whole time was.. boring, its been done, so cliche, then I come across this story and BAM!!

omg I havent even read it yet and I love it !! i love the idea so much, you my friend have some creative talent :) cant wait to read :)

xx

What. The. Fuck?

Great story! Just grammar sweetie. (:

Here’s your con-crit! I decided to do it on the last chapter, just because that’s probably the most relevant. Let me preface by saying that I enjoy your story, and if I say anything offensive, I don’t mean to! It’s all in the spirit of improvement!

That day Gerard didn't think too much about the detectives he had hope and believed in Frank to get them through this. He is a smart kid, he can do this. But who's going to be first, this is a test for the smartest, fastest and the craziest. Though Frank he kept thinking, sure killing someone 'close' to them will knock them down the list a little bit, but soon they'll be back up there. Ray isn't daft he will soon find out, Frank knows he will find out, he understands that he will be caught but it's all about timing. If he gets before everyone starts to see his way of things that's bad, but if it's after they see his way of life then it's good because no one will want their saviour to be dead. It's all about timing.

Alright, so the first thing that I noticed is that you don’t actually stick to one tense. That is, you will write somethings in the past and some in the future. For example, “Gerard didn’t think too much” then “Frank is a smart kid”. I suggest changing the present tense to past just because it sounds a bit more like a reminiscent account that way. I was going to say that saviour can drop the u, but I take it that you’re from the UK, so your version is correct.

That night Gerard walked round to Frank's house just after 8 where he was greeted with a kiss. They sat down in the living room with a cigarette and a Scotch, neither of them had any idea what to do they were just thinking.

I would spell 8 out to be eight instead. It just looks better, in my opinion.

“Frank we need to talk,” Gerard said as he looked at Frank.

“What's up?” Frank asked taking a sip of his drink.

I would just put a comma after ‘Frank asked’ basically making it ‘Frank asked, taking a sip of his drink.’

“Look, the wage I get with Ms. Ellis is pathetic, I have no money anymore. Soon I'll end up giving up my house, Frank when that happens you know what to do.” Gerard sighed as he hung his head low. Frank thought for a moment before giggling, he walked over and sat next to Gerard putting his arm around him.

“This may be contradicting me here, but look at me.” Frank held Gerard's chin so he was facing him. “Normally I would care if it was someone else but you're my boyfriend so I'm not going to let that happen. You can like borrow money off of me or you can live with me. This house gets quite lonely at times,” Frank smiled as he hugged Gerard.

Comma after ‘normally,’ and ‘else’ then after ‘can’ and ‘like’. Essentially, ‘Normally, I wouldn’t care if it was someone else, but you’re my boyfriend so I’m not going to let that happen. You can, like, borrow money off of me or you can live with me.’

“So you're not going to kill me?” Gerard asked.

“Fuck no, what gave you that idea?” Frank giggled.

“Well you know,” Gerard smiled.

“So, what do you want to do? Borrow money or live with me? Personally I would love it if you could live with me.”

‘Personally, I would...’

“I'll live with you then,” Gerard grinned as he pressed his lips to Frank's. “Thank you so much,”

“My pleasure,” Frank then kissed the top of Gerard's head. “Okay, so Ms. Ellis a good target for now? Since she was your boss you can say yous had a strong connection with her and I can say we were friends. Sound fair? Unless you do actually like her then we don't have to,” Frank suggested.

Unless you’re writing in diction here, ‘you’ needs to lose an ‘s’.

“Nah we were neutral I don't think too much of her. So yeah, she will be at her home tonight,” Gerard smiled as he kissed Frank's nose.

‘Nah, we were neutral, I don’t think too much of her.’

“Good, so now that that's covered we still have 2/3 hours to kill and we need to celebrate you moving in with me,” Frank giggled as he kissed Gerard's lips. They lay back on the couch with Frank lying on top of Gerard, they were kissing deeply and there was a lot of touching.

The 2/3 just makes me think of a fraction… maybe change that to 2-3?

Then the part at the end, I like that it’s classy and doesn’t just go straight into a sex scene, because I personally think that too many people just go straight into the sex and it just gets awkward, however, I would, perhaps, write something like ‘Frank pressed Gerard down onto the couch, their lips and bodies moving fervently against each other.’

Then put a line in between the end of this line and the next so a skip in time can be perceived. Ex.

__________________

I'm sure you can guess what happened so I'm going to skip time until they have just finished and getting changed. They fixed their hair before picking up the eye liner; Frank put crosses through his eyes while Gerard covered his eyes in black and red. Then they put their scarves up to their noses with a hat on.

I would get rid of the first sentence all together and write something like ‘Both red in the face and slightly out of breath, Frank and Gerard pulled their clothing on, smirks fixed to both of their faces’ instead.

“Can I just say that earlier was amazing,” Frank smiled as he slipped a blade into his pocket.

“It really was,” Gerard giggled as he kissed Frank's lips and they walked out the house.

They walked down the street, walking through alley ways so that no one would see them. Not that anyone was walking down the street at this time, everyone is terrified and that's the way it should be. So once they got to the elder woman's house they chapped frantically before opening the door and walking in. They walked into her kitchen where they saw her holding a cup of tea.

‘They walked down the street, walking through alley ways-’ I think walked was just used too much. Maybe change the second one to ‘crept’.

‘So, once they got…’

I’m not understanding the chapped frantically line… but maybe it’s because I’m American, I don’t know?

“Oh, gentlemen I did not hear the door, how can I help you?” She asked politely putting down her tea. No one said anything, but Frank took out the knife and handed it to Gerard where he held it out in front of him. The woman screamed as Gerard flung the knife and it hit her chest. Falling to the ground, Gerard walked over to the woman, took the knife out and stabbed her again and again until she was dead.

“Well that went well, okay clean up everything then leave.” Frank stated as he took the knife that was in Gerard's hands and washed in under the tap. They then walked over to the hall way, took off their shoes before returning. They couldn't leave foot tracks once they cleaned them up, so Frank took the mop and cleaned every foot track there was. Gerard then took the knife and sliced a cross onto her forehead, and then he did his usual spitting on it, and then wiped up the saliva with a cloth.

“I have an idea,” Gerard said as he walked upstairs and into her room.

“Gerard it isn't polite to invade someone's space.” Frank protested as he followed him into her room.

“It also isn't polite to break into an elderly woman's house and kill her. Hear me out; she is always saying she is rich so her money must be here somehow.” Gerard suggested.

“So, are we just going to rob her?” Frank asked and Gerard nodded. “Okay, make sure you don't get finger prints anywhere,” Frank warned as they opened the drawer handles and raided through stuff using their sleeves.

“Found it!” Gerard grinned as he opened a tin to reveal cash, lots of it. Like millions of notes everywhere. “Ours now,” Gerard then grabbed the money and shoved it in his pocket before putting the tin back making sure to get his finger prints on it.everything is good except a few missing commas. ‘Like, millions of notes-’

“Are we going now?” Frank asked, Gerard nodded as they walked out the room and out the house; they put their shoes on outside and walked back home. “So now you have money I take it there is no need for you to live with me anymore?” Frank sighed as he pushed the hair out of his face.

“Of course there is, I want to live with you.” Gerard smiled, “I'll pack tomorrow and hand my keys into the mayor tomorrow so I should be set by tomorrow night.”

“Sounds perfect,” Frank smiled as they walked their separate ways home.

That evening Ray was sitting in his room reading over the files, the real ones. Edmund and Oliver had gotten them and gave them to Ray not too long ago. Jean was and Tom were reading over everything they had wrote and found out so far in this investigation, Edmund and Oliver were taking a break and went to bed.

“This doesn't make sense, I have like 7 files here and I am still no closer to find anything out. Look it says here that Gerard isn't a Christian, why? He claims that he is and I don't know. Maybe it's just a cover up, Frank definitely isn't. Here is Gerard's childhood.” Ray then shut up and started to read over Gerard's file, by the end he was horrified. “Damn that's awful, but that doesn't concern me right now.” Ray was getting really frustrated.

Just more comma stuff. ‘like, seven files here’ I would also write out seven.

“Sir, maybe you should get some sleep and eat something, you haven't slept in two days and you're really stressed.” Jean suggested looking up from the papers.

“No, people's lives are at risk how can I sleep knowing that,” Ray groaned as he let his head fall onto the desk, creating a slam.

Alright, in general, I like the concept of this chapter. I like the idea that Gerard suggested that Frank kill him to look less suspicious and I like the way that Frank protested to robbing the woman after they killed her. Kind of shows a twisted way of looking at things. It’s fine to kill, but not fine to steal. Most people have that opposite. It almost shows innocence in Frank.

I’ve been feeling like there’s something missing though. Like a motive to the killing or a warped psychosis. I think this could be expressed by a conversation between Gerard and Frank talking about how exhilarating it is to have an entire town terrified. How they love this chase that the detectives are engaging them in. I just think that there needs to be an element of craziness, something to show why they’re doing this, essentially.

But overall, I definitely am enjoying reading this :)

This is definitely very interesting. I subscribed/am looking forward to more. Tell me if you want a detailed constructive criticism at all. This story would be really fun to analyze.

I love this story xD It's amazing xDD Update soon?? <3

I love it!!! I`d really like more honestly! Its a very interesting subject and I think its amazing! :D <3 <3 <3 <3

uh oh

nice update :D
it seems as though Gerard isn't that smart? lol

i love it :DDD i would like more very soon :3
it's very different from what i was expecting, especially since im also addicted to to your other story 'Disenchanted'
xoxo

Very interesting theme! Really looking forward to seeing how this story develops.