You'll Always Be Forgotten - Comments

This was truly beautiful
Love ya

holy crap this is seriously awesome i mean like the way you write its just...wow im kinda speechless that was so awesome and god dam thats pretty sad and creepy the way you write, ack i love it :)

You made me cry. That's how amazing this was. I'm not good with reviews, and I'm not going to pretend to be. But this was absolutely beautiful.

Thank you so fucking much for writing that. xo

After reading this i had tears in my eyes );

It's so well written and the message is beautiful.

This comment sucks, i cant say what i'm thinking- my thoughts are blurred from your story. Maybe i'll come back and say what i think when i cant think straight. <3

awwww omg that was so sad!!

and it's one of the best written peices i've read in a long time :O

OH MY GOD!

At the beginning of this, I thought it was a little cliche, but something said "just keep reading", so I did.

And I'm glad I did.

There were lots of really good, raw things in here that I feel made a huge impact on the story itself. The last line was something, that I feel, really finished it in a great way.

I do agree with a lot that was said above though.. some things need work, sure, but it's still a very wel written and thought out piece.

Nice work :]

(I think it needs a warning though... Everyone should have a box of tissues next to them before reading..Powerful stuff)

I like the premise of this story. You see stories about suicide and the effects it has on the loved ones left behind, but it’s interesting to see the actual person observing the pain that their friends and family are enduring; how they’re blaming themselves and wondering what they could have done differently to try and prevent it from happening.

I thought that Gerard’s dialogue needs work at some points though. It seems too formal and rehearsed to be realistic, like a speech he’s learned for school rather than something he’s just saying from the heart.

I wish I said something to someone, even if it were just my brother—your best friend. Like here, the last part ‘your best friend’ sounds too explanatory, and not something he’d say naturally, given that both he and Frank are aware that Mikey’s Frank’s best friend. I think this sentence could still work without that last part. It’d still be clear, just subtle.

Your parents blame themselves, your peers at school blame themselves - I think that ‘peers’ is a little too official and formal sounding for the situation. I’m guessing that Gerard hasn’t been out of school that long, seeing as both Frank and Mikey are high school age in this story, and there isn’t that much of an age difference between the three. Maybe something like ‘classmates’ or ‘the kids at school’ would be more natural in this setting.

. I’ll never forget that phone call; nor will I forget the look in my brother’s face the moment our mother hung up the phone. This part sounds too formal as well. Definitely the word ‘nor.’ I think it’d sound more natural if it was something like “I’ll never forget that phone call...or the look on my brother’s face...” and ‘mother’ sounds too formal too. Think casual. Gerard’s obviously distraught over the situation, seeing as he had feelings for Frank and, even if he didn’t, someone that Mikey cared deeply about has died. ‘Mom’ would be more fitting.

Tears were threatening to fall from her eyes as she turned to face us; she placed a hand on her chest before she fell to the floor. This part in particular didn’t sound believable. It sounds more like narration and, at times, I did get confused between Gerard’s dialogue and Frank’s narration. Try something more like “She had tears in her eyes.” You don’t need to make the dialogue poetic or amazingly compelling...it just needs to be believable. You need to really show how deeply Gerard’s hurting, not just from what he says, but from how he says it...all stutters and pauses and incomplete sentences included.

I’m sure your mother screamed when she saw your lifeless body hanging from the rafters in your oversized house. I’m sure your father sank to the ground when he got that dreaded phone call at work. This part too. It sounds too explanatory. Frank’s method of suicide is touched on later, so this overindulgence of information isn’t really needed and it seems a little forced anyway.

You never told my brother what changed in you because he never noticed. I like this particular sentence though...I think it really sums up why Frank thought he should take his own life. He thought that because his family and friends didn’t notice the change, that they didn’t care when really, if he’d mentioned it and asked for help, he most likely would have received it.

I like how both Gerard and Frank take turns telling the story. It makes it seem as though, even though they’re in different places, they’re still vaguely connected somehow. Maybe hinting on the theme that they were alike, as Gerard mentioned before..?

He was your best friend; you two would do anything for each other. I’ve never seen so many flashing lights in my life; an ambulance, four cop cars, one being a trooper cruiser. I feel like there needs to be something in between these sentences, or that they should be joined together, so it feels less like a jump from subject to subject, and more natural.

I hadn’t seen that many lights either—they were all for me. It’s ironic really. And I’ve seen this in other stories about suicide too (whether they be fictional or real life) about how they felt like no-one cared, and it’s only when they commit suicide that they get any attention. I remember reading once about a girl who said she was suicidal, but her family just thought she was attention-seeking and in the end, she killed herself and the person who was telling the story ended it with something along the lines of “She did end up getting the attention she wanted – from the people at her funeral.” I think that was a real life story. Really sad.

Your father pulled up, pain etched onto every part of his face. I think you could make this part sound more natural by altering to something like ‘Your father pulled up and it was like pain was etched onto every part of his face.’ I still think that the phrase may be too elaborate to be realistic though.

She froze when she was the cord, then her eyes searched for my parents, Typo here. I think it should be ‘She froze when she was at the cord’?

questions they’ll never know the answers to dancing through their eyes. ‘Dancing’ doesn’t seem to fit in this context. It sounds happy and something more haunting and sad would fit better.

I had been watching my parents to even realize people were outside; There’re some words missing here. I’m guessing it should be ‘I had been too busy watching my parents...’ I like this section though, how Mikey doesn’t want to go in. I think it’s realistic, given that, with Frank’s parents they’d have wanted to be near him because they wanted to try and...save him, I think? They didn’t want to believe it to be true. Whereas with Mikey, he too doesn’t want to believe it to be true, but he’s attempting to block out everything that relates to Frank’s death, I think...like he wants to remember Frank how he used to be and doesn’t want to think of him taking his own life.

The tears streaming down his face, the way his chest heaved with each breath/sob he let out; I think it’d work better to have it written out as ‘breath and sob’ or something similar. Just a personal thing though.

You murdered yourself— That was really powerful. You never really hear of suicide being described as someone murdering themself, but that’s what it is when it comes down to it.

Frank’s revelation was sad, really. It was something that came too late, and I think that that was the reason why he was able to see his friends and family grieving and falling to pieces over him...maybe as a way of punishing him for taking his own life, and teaching him a lesson along the way too.

She knows how guilty they feel; how they wish they could’ve paid more attention to you, told you they loved you, showed you they knew you existed. I find this realistic. I think it’d be an expected reaction of parents to their child committing suicide to question whether it was something they did or didn’t do.
I hate that my actions were what caused my parents to finally take notice of my existence again—to finally care. Again with the irony. I like that. It really shows that no matter what, suicide is going to end up hurting someone.

—I ended mine before it truly began. I like this bit. It’s very honest, because high school is only one part of your life and there’s a lot more to come after it, a lot more new experiences, like Frank mentioned.

The part about his friends and family moving on...was sad, but also positive in a way. It’s sad for Frank, given that he won’t be a constant presence in their life, but it’s positive for his friends and family because they won’t have to feel constant guilt and pain due to his actions. It’s an almost bittersweet thought. I like this line too, and the paragraph about the high school kids: You know, you’re a suicide, you’ll be forgotten in a few months. It’s blunt but honest. Gerard’s just telling it like it is.

I was nobody; nobody’s were forgotten after time—I would be forgotten. ‘Nobody’s’ should be ‘nobodies.’

I think it’s nice and a tribute to how much Gerard really does care for Frank that he tells him to move on. He’s putting Frank’s own feelings and needs above his own, if there was even the most remote chance that Frank would have been able to make contact. I like the comparison between Frank and the other people being lost in life, and then also being lost after death. It really hits home the message that suicide will hurt more than heal.

The message was really clear and positive. I just think that the dialogue needs work, but other than that, good job.
And I'm sorry this review took so long.

I came across this in someone's signiture, and it made my heart ache. It made me think of a boy I know who committed suicide. He was always happy on the outside, but on the inside everyone knew he was already dead. He is long forgotten to some people, but I won't forget him. He was always teased because he was different. I don't cry when I think of him. I actually smile; I only remember his smile. I could barely read it because my vision was so blurry from crying. Kudos

Since you left that amazing comment on my story I thought I'd return the favour and I'm so glad I did. This was simply breathtaking.

The last paragraph was what really did it for me. I was a quitter; I took the easy way to solve my problems. I gave in to the one thing that made things anything but easier and gave up on the one thing that could save me—myself.That was amazingly beautiful.

You obviously put a lot of time, effort and thought into this piece while you were writing it and it definitely shows. This piece was very powerful; I actually had tears in my eyes as I read it. It's little wonder you won that competition, you truly deserve it.

Take care and thank you so much. :)

Okie Dokie, this comment is from the judge of the Deathfic Competition I just want to leave a quick comment on each entry. If you want any long reviews on any stories please feel free to Private Message me.

First of all, wow. I am utterly speechless and still wiping away tears. I very rarely cry at stories, but the ending was so sorrowful and beautiful I just had to!
The message of this story is amazing. It's so true, the whole thing. The part I loved was how he mentioned they would wake up one day and it wouldn't hurt to remember them. This was so true, the whole thing was. It's an amazing idea to put this into a one-shot. Well done.
Also the way it was written was very unique. How Gerard described a part in words, then Frank describes the next part in his thoughts, it was amazing, and gave an amazing effect.
Overall, this story was brilliant and was one of the saddest I've read.

wow...that was depressing as hell...but awesome

I really loved that...
It made me cry!
It's definitely on my list of favorites...
=D

Thank you for writing this.

...defiantely speechless.
That was so... I don't even know what words I can use to explain it. It had so much meaning behind it. I think I would have reacted just like Mikey if I ever found out that one of my friends committed suicide.
It's just... I guess, I should say thanks. This story is such a great reminder to people that suicide is such an important matter and that it's not just you that it hurts. It hurts the people around you, whether you think it will or not.
I really love it. I think you should keep writing more stories like this one.

Wow.
HeavensStarlessEyes actually told me to read this.
She also said it would be sad.
So i printed it out and read it in my room, where i would be allowed to cry.

Can i just say that this story is fucking amazing!
Ever since this story. Not one thought of suicide has gone through my head.
Its amazing how inspirational one story can be to so many people.

I agree with HeavensStarlessEyes
That was so beautiful. i know you might say no, but i was wondering if i could send this to my friends? I have a very bad group. not trouble wise and stuff, but a lot of my best friends cut, and quite a few of them have thought extremely seriously about suicide. i want to show it to them. I'll add your name and everything, and if you can, send me your email and I'll put it on there as well. I'll only do it if you give me the okay though.

We do have a bad group. Many of them having been abused when they were young, and they really dont want to live anymore.
I believe this would turn them around. (Or at least i can hope)

My final word on this is Thankyou

Because this story made me feel things that arn't possible to say.

.. you made me cry.

That is so amazing. it's so true. i just can't put into words how close that hit home. it's all true. no one will remember. no one will care after a while. they will all forget, they'll move all. but in the worst case, Gerard could have been some one different. someone who is more easily affected and not such a rational thinker. they could have done the same thing and followed them.

That was so beautiful. i know you might say no, but i was wondering if i could send this to my friends? I have a very bad group. not trouble wise and stuff, but a lot of my best friends cut, and quite a few of them have thought extremely seriously about suicide. i want to show it to them. I'll add your name and everything, and if you can, send me your email and I'll put it on there as well. I'll only do it if you give me the okay though.

This was so amazing. you really touched me. i saw it on your signature, and you're such a devoted reader and commenter that i thought i'd read it and comment back. I never thought what i was going to read would be so true and so fucking amazing.

Thankyou for writing this. It really needed to be done. I really am thankful

Keep writing sugar.

I'm still in awe. =]

xoxo

PS: you made me cry! You had reveeenngeeee teehee

that was amazing mesmerising & yet follows the advice of Gee when he talked about suicide DON'T EVER COMMIT SUICIDE

And I just noticed...my fucking fringe got soaked in tears.

No need to remind you I kept cleaning my glasses every 30 seconds.

Just so you know...

I'm crying so fucking hard right now...This is unexplainable. And to make matters worse I kept listening to Helena repeatedly while reading this.

It's fucking beautiful. Maybe you didn't know it, but this is really inspirational. 'Cause suicide isn't the way out to any problem. I learnt that from mcr...but this fanfic reminded me of that once again.

Idk...I wanna say more things, but I can only say that this story is fucking beautiful. I started crying in the beginning, and my sobs were only blocked out because of the music playing.

I really really liked this.

xo - iivOnne