December 16th, 2010 at 04:49pm
I figured I would leave you a little comment on this one since it doesn't have any yet! :-)
For a one shot, I thought the story was very effective and it all flowed together quite well. I like your word choice and, particularly for a 13 year old (I just happened to see your age when I clicked on your profile!) you are a very good writer. I definitely wasn't as good as you are when I was thirteen, haha! Not that age should really have anything to do with whether or not the writing is any good, but I just think it's quite impressive, is all.
“Whatever you do, is art. Whatever you feel, is art. Everything around us is the light that keeps us dreaming. Just don’t let it stop.”
I really like that part. The words are very effortless and yet somehow they are meaningful. If that makes any sense, haha.
“I have to go, I need to be free,” she responded to the good looking guy.
This part kind of was a little random. I'm not sure, maybe it's just the fact that her words were a little awkward or something? Or maybe the speaker tag, how it was suddenly explained that the guy was good-looking. This is just a little thought of mine, feel free to completely ignore it, but if it was me, I would go in and add a little snippet between this quote and the one above it that explain who the guy is, or at the very least, that he is a "good looking guy" - I don't think the right place to do that was in the speaker tag. But that's just me. :-)
In the end, I'm not really sure why she wanted to commit suicide. I wish you would have given the reader a little more information as to why she was jumping off a cliff. This being said, I think the shortness of it worked well with the story, and I liked the descriptive paragraphs you wrote! Very well done.
Well, thanks. And I'm actually 12. I had to lie about my age just to join Mibba and everything else, but I'm on my way to be thirteen so where's the problem? :) Believe me, I finished the story and I didn't even know what I wrote. All I did was write random-ish. The phrase was something that came up desperately. And that does make sense.
Yeah, yeah, I know. I'll edit it when I have the time, I have to make so many things right now and I'm freaking out. I just saw that it should have been written before the speaker tag. It didn't come to my mind before you commented it, but thanks a lot for the advice.
Okay, she wanted to kill herself because she was, lets say "the most lonely person in the whole world" just to exaggerate. I wanted to show what people do because they feel lonely and those things. It's awkward, I know, but that's all I can write xD
Thanks a lot, dear (: You were very helpful to me.