That Night - Comments

Nice updates (: This story is coming along nicely. Her baby sisters death was quite sudden and unexpected, a definite twist in the story. I like how so much is going on in the story and I am very interested to see what this intriguing mysterious behaviour is all about from her mother. Update soon! x

First off, I would have to admit that I was a little iffy about reading this because I feel like you gave away most of the plot in the summary. We already know the main character is pregnant, so the first chapter was a little redundant.

Overall, I did like the way the story was told as sort of a diary, that was interesting, but I would have liked to have seen a little more detail and description such as what led up to her hooking up with this guy, and how she suspected she was pregnant. It felt like everything moved a little too quickly, especially from the hook-up to the pregnancy. Also, I don't really get how she could borrow her mom's pregnancy test because they're disposable and can only be used once.

I do think that this is well-written and engaging and that, as a story, this has great potential, and I can't wait to see where you go with it.

I like this story so far it's something new and I especially like your layout (;. I like how this story isn't only about a girl with aids, which is a very serious topic to undertake, but the fact that she is pregnant means that she'll have double the problems of knowing whether her child also has Aids. Also I hope you are aware that first she would probably be HIV positve and then would maybe get Aids aswell. I like how you've got a lot of twists added in with, her being pregnant and then also he rmother who has just gone into labour.. it'll be interesting to see how that plays out.

I like the fact that this story is set in first person and I think you need to take more of an advantage of that by writing more about how personal feelings about how the party was, what is it like to be pregnant knowing that her whole life is going to change, has that made her feel any different towards the life she's been leading so far.. is she even going to keep the baby? - and so on, important details that I trust you're going to be getting too anyway. (:

Also I find it a little bit unrealistic that her mother would take the news so easily. Conflict is one thing that really gives a story edge but that's just my opinion. Maybe it's in her mum's character to be nonchalant, calm and laid back? Overall I think this is a very original story with an engaging beginning, with a lot of potential and I can't wait to see where you take this next (: