Ryan's Waltz - Comments

During the conversation between Ryan and Spencer, he stated that 'They care' – they being Pete and Patrick. Throughout the story, I never really got that feeling, and I feel like it's an important part of the story.

From Pete, I felt more pity towards Ryan and a bit of pleasure in the fact that he was vulnerable. (Maybe “pleasure” is too strong of a word, but something close. Maybe satisfaction in knowing that this was someone who could benefit from being with him or someone who needed him.) From Patrick, I felt that he was more using Ryan than actually caring for him. That Patrick was getting tired of Pete sleeping around, even though he wanted to be okay with Pete's ways, and he wanted to use Ryan as a way to stop (or at least limit) Pete's exploits. That he figured if he'd have to share Pete anyway, he'd rather it be with just one person and one person that he could enjoy too.

The relationship seemed like it was less about 'caring' for Ryan and more about finding a resolution to something that was becoming an issue in Pete and Patrick's relationship. Kind of like married couples who engage in the occasional three-way. The third person is always an outsider – even if as a couple, they stick to just that one person. I felt like it was still “Patrick + Pete” as an entity and then Ryan as an add-on. Does that make sense? I just never really got the feel that they were all equal parts of this relationship or that they could be. Though, that's not to say that I didn't think Pete and Patrick took Ryan's feelings into considered, I definitely think they did. I'm just not sure if they really cared for him as they did for each other (in that intimate sense), or if it was more of a “this is our friend and we don't want to fuck him over” kind of thing. I still felt like Ryan's needs were secondary to their own.

Ack! So getting back on track with the original point I was trying to make, reading Ryan say that they cared for him made me feel like I missed out on something in the story. Like there was a beginning that I didn't read, and so I couldn't really connect with him there. I couldn't really understand why he thought that about Patrick and Pete.

I think that's the only thing that was missing from this story, the connection between me (as a reader) and Ryan, I felt like it wasn't really developed because I missed out on so much important things – the things that led Ryan to this place. And it was missing in other places too. Like when talking about the guy who hurt him, I couldn't really empathize with Ryan because...everything was kind of hollow. I didn't feel like I knew him or his struggle. I only saw this particular moment.

It was hard for me to really put myself in Ryan's place and get a hold on his emotions (the pain and uncertainty and confusion). I read this and it was...pretty and the wording is poignant, but I didn't feel anything for any of the characters. I didn't get that ache in my chest or the nervous jitters or that uncomfortable feeling in my stomach when the characters interacted or felt something (pained, angery, unsteady...).

The wording and the flow was beautifully done. The way you described things were colorful but not...flowery, you know? I love that. I loved that every-line wasn't some unattainable metaphor, or rather, the kind of metaphor that sticks out within the content of the story because it's so abstract. I could tell that what was said held more meaning than what was directly stated, but the line fit the story in both the literal and metaphorical sense of it. I think that's a balance that a lot of author's would kill for. It's definitely something I'd love to see in more stories on Mibba.

Overall, I thought this was a good story because of how you write and word things, but I felt it lacked that emotion to really capture me as a reader and make me get that connection with the characters. I wanted to feel hurt with Ryan because he's so unsure of who he can really trust with is feelings, I wanted to feel a bit of pain from Pete because he doesn't want to hurt someone who is already so vulnerable, and I wanted to feel...something from Patrick (I was never really sure of how he truly felt of the whole situation. I know what he said but I still couldn't really understand or guess at his motives).

Just a couple of typos:

Brendon had chased him throat the water and they'd kissed below the surface.

Nothing really mattered except that need needed to complain to a sympathetic ear and the only option left was Spencer's mother.

I agree with the comment above me, the italics are so profound? I can't think of the word that accurately reflects my feelings I had while reading this. It was beautifully written.

I really loved this. Im laying in bed reading this and trying to pick a part the italics. Someday i hope to gain your imagination because i swear everything you write is gold. :)

New/old story. I wrote this five months ago, but just typed it up.
~4000 words.
A polyamorous lovestory.
Ryan/Patrick/Pete.

Comments are love!

xoxox
-Dru