Under the Bright Chicago Lights - Comments

aww, that's what a good best friend does :]

I'm not as awesome and creative as you when it comes to commenting, I'm afraid, but I'll try. :)

First off, the layout. I am totally jelly that you know how to do the border thing, because I don't know how. :x And I really like the banner. It works great with the story so far, and I think it's cool how I can see the city through him. It's kind of like how he is the city. :o Am I looking too far into it? I don't even care if I am. :)

I like the summary too. It sets the story up for a lot. I don't know much about hockey or the fandom, so I'll go running into this story like I'm running into the dark. I'll be blind, but that's okay, because a good fanfic doesn't require knowledge of the fandom, and I have a feeling this story is going to be like that!

I. Love. Their. Relationship. I used to have a guy friend like that, but we kinda broke apart. :( So I did cry a little, but that's because it was so relatable and so well written. I like how you really showed all of their relationship's clearly, and the dialogue was great. The whole clumsy thing was really cute too, even though it's cliche. And mainstream. Everyone's so clumsy in this world. D; I think it's absolutely adorable how Patrick likes watching chick flicks.

Why is it that I have a feeling that maybe Patrick likes her (apart from the summary, obviously), and he's just saying he got stood up to hang out with her? Hmm? And it's obvious Jonathan likes her too. And why was Patrick trying to set her and Brian up? Hmmmmm?

Okay, I would really enjoy to see more of this story, so let me know if you ever post anything else for it. I can't wait! :D

I like the blue and yellow, they contrast very well and make it easy to read the stories. Some of the one's I was reading for fun I had to go back to the default layout because they colors were killing my eyes. The banner is nice to, it is difficult to read the "Story By: sabreslove9" part though just because the the image behind the lettering is dark as well. I would have chosen a lighter color, like grey or something because it would be too bright but ti would also be readable.

Summary

In Rose's description of what she likes to do I would take out "in the city" in the second sentence mainly because you already mentioned she liked going into the cities.

With Brian's little blurb "defenceman" should be "defenseman" if you wanted to keep it one word. To be completely correct, however, it would be "defense-man".

Chapter One

First off, I like how nicely you described Chicago. I've been there before and I can totally vouch for it being brightly lit up at night. I also like that you don't have her living there, most characters tend to live where they spend most of their time. It's nice to see that in order to get there Rose would have to travel. Quite refreshing. The innocent joking around between her and Pat is cute, maybe a bit cliche but not so much where it completely throws off the story. A little cliche is good in a story but mainly it depends on how well it's written.

Rose and Patrick have had their first "moment" of the story. It sounds to me like Patrick, despite being friends with Johnathon might also be a bit upset he is also showing interest in Rose. I'm going to take a wild guess and say that not only is this going to cause problems for the three of them but also for the team. A love triangle is bad but when it threatens the success of the team it's taking it to a new level.

I haven't read any stories involving anyone other than a band so I wouldn't be able to compare this to other stories. But then again, how many authors really[/] want their work compared to others? Either way, this is a good start to an interesting story. Well done.

I've held a grudge against the colors blue and yellow together ever since I had to wear them for a figure skating thingie when I was six or seven. I fell and hurt myself so many times. It was just awful - I'm much too uncoordinated for non-flat surfaces.

But the banner is lovely! I really love it, even though I'm not much of a hockey fan, mainly because my step-mom likes hockey and I cannot like anything she likes.

I think this could use a little more detail, just so that it flows better, y'know?

Where it says: I sat on the windowsill and pressed my forehead against the cool glass. A light snow was beginning to fall outside. There was a knock on the door, you could've added so much more description, girl! Like about the innocent beauty of the snow and the chilliness of the glass.

I agree with Lizzie Borden. on your writing style. I'm terrible at writing actions and dialogue, so lucky you!

And I feel a complex love triangle coming. If only all of us could have two manly men chasing us.

Sorry this took me so long. Haha. I kept singing a bunch of songs and getting distracted and I journaled a bit and I didn’t see it til like, ten minutes after you commented.

Anyways,

Okay, for the layout, I think it’s clean. The hue of blue and yellow might be a little bright for my liking, but they fit for you, Miss Sabres fan.

PS- I LOVE Patrick Kane, even though I really don’t like the Hawks. Haha.

I loved watching the lights below me; it was much more inspiring to watch the night lit up almost like the sun was still out.
I like this sentence. I think it shows about Rosie’s personality and how she likes to watch things grow, I guess you could say. She seems like one of those people that observes and watches everything and just sorta sits back. She’s patient.

Haha. I like her being clumsy. It’s cute and carefree. Again, this with the who “I like to watch the city” concept makes me see her as sort of whimsical and not childish, but not serious.

For descriptions, I think you could use just a little more, maybe. See, you have that style of writing where you focus on what people say and do rather than the surroundings. Again, this is a style thing, so there’s nothing wrong with it at all. It works in most cases, like here. Your story focuses on people and their relationships. What color the couch is isn’t going to like, ruin the entire thing. Haha.

I think by leaving Rosie off on a bad note with Brian is hinting at some sort of thing in the future (I could tell without having to read the summary.)

Overall, I think your strong points are definitely on actions. You’re not a bad writer at all—far from it. Keep going, Miss. I’ll be periodically checking back with it.

I really like this one!! Bri never gets any love!!

So I don't really read sports fanfiction on this site but it seems to be a new fad to write hockey fanfiction. But I seriously laughed out loud at this. My family is huge Black Hawks fans. My dog is named after Nikolai Khabibhulin and we just have so much Blackhawk stuff it's ridiculous. I've actually met Kane several times and he's a huge pev at least to me. But the story...which is what I should be commenting on is very cute. I like the relationship between your characters and the development between them. Looks like it'll be a great story my dear. :)

I like the relationship they have. It shows how comfortable they are around each other and how close they are.

Your description in the beginning was great and I could already picture the scene going on. I think it's really cute how much she cares about her best friend and I can't wait to see what else you have in mind.

So I say continue. (:

I love the banner!

The title was just amazing. I would read it even if we weren't comment swapping, so kudos there.

I like the way you write. It's simple but nice all the same.

Good job. Continue?

I love this banner! It's amazing!
I also just got the connection from the title to the story,
you're creative wth titles, good job!
I like the way he explains the view from his room
I like the relationship between the two :) it's very realistic
I suspect a romance between the two of them ;)
I loved this, and The NOtebook is such a good movie and book!

yesss keep going!! i love p.kane best friend stories :) <3

Patrick Kane <3 so adorable!
I'm looking forward to the rest of this story!!!

I loved the way you opened this! It felt so perfect! And I love your banner!

I liked the way you showed the friendship between the two and how they knew each other. It was also nice to see that she is herself around him and his friends. I actually laughed when she tripped and fell into the doorway, especially because of the fact that there were people there to see it happen.

My favorite line was when she stated her feelings about him being cocky. It seemed very real because of the way it was worded.

I really like this so far!