February 20th, 2011 at 10:58pm
i liked it (:
When I read the definition, i laughed so hard. I don't think you could write, define, hear, or say Threesome without it impying somethign sexual for us dirty minded people.
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Now WHOA this was soooo original. It gets you many plus points, I gotta say. Originality is definitely something you have in your equipment. This story was so funny and witty, it was something absolutely fresh and new and I enjoyed it greatly. Oh my, the way you just majorly played around with the reader, haha. At the beginning you absolutely had me believe they were arranging a threesome meeting in completely different sense of the word, and then omg golf, this fiction is unforgettable I dare say, in how it messes up with the reader's expectations hahah. Brilliant!
Your writing style is clear as a mirror, it's pleasure to read. You use humor, and I appreciate that. And I didn't notice any mistake, so this is definitely a big plus. You are ready author, I think. You have all the things neccessary, according to me - good writing style without common error and originality. What more could a writer wish. This particular fiction was full of wit and humor, I loved it.
“David, I don’t think that we’re looking for someone who’s just going to cooperate with us. We need someone who pushes boundaries,” the taller one said. -> Yeah, this game of yours with the reader. It was brilliant, haha. You totally had me thinking this is going to be a sexual session, but no. I appreciate the idea greatly!
It was as if he literally had, for lack of a better idiom, ants in his fucking pants. -> Lol. At more than just one place the story made me laugh. You have nice sense of humor, and what's important - you are able to use it in the story in such a way that it makes sense and makes also the reader laugh. Not forcing it too much.
I tried to do all of these things, while discreetly whipping my sweaty palm on the side of my ‘clubbing shorts.’ I tried to smile my best kiss-ass smile, seeing as how Jason was giving me this tight lipped smiles. The handshake itself wasn’t anything overly aggressive, but I’m sure he’s practiced that. He was mocking me, I knew he was. -> I loved this paragraph, especially the first part of it where Lee was wiping his hand against his shorts. It gave me more vivid image of the whole scene than anything before or after it, for some reason. I pictured Lee in the shorts, standing in the golf field, clubs somewhere near him, his companions grinning... the meet-up of bussiness men under warm sun on a big green field. Hah. The setting of this story - original as well.
Just like in the cartoons I swung at the ball, missed completely, and uprooted a section of grass. I stood their dumb founded, thinking to myself, I can’t believe I actually did that. I thought it was an urban legend or something. -> Hahah, the humor aspect of this story is just awesome.
Logan was trying to stifle his laughter so it turned out to be more of a little trill of sound. Jason just coughed once and looked away, more amused with his colleague than me I’d assume. “You might want to try looking at the ball, Lee,” Jason offered. -> Your writing skill is very good. You know how to use words, that's for sure. I think you are a writer who knows what she's doing. I liked that when I was reading this, there was nothing about the text that would distract me, I could concentrate fully on the story. You harmonized the language with the content well.
The way he was saying it made it sound like they were a couple. -> Also the point of view you chose was original. A man who probably even isnt gay being a part of game where the other two are a couple - and it was interesting to see his reaction to that. It was nice how for the sake of the job he was able to accept what he normally maybe wouldnt. This story didnt have some extra deep meaning for me, i'm not saying there's none, it just didnt pop up at me... yet I still think it is a very quality writing and that it's definitely worthwhile. To me it feels more like a relax read, read that will amuse you and entertain you, and somewhat enlighten you :D
I felt like maybe this was a test, that if I wasn’t okay with them being what they were then I wouldn’t get the job.
I needed this job.
So I sucked up my discomfort and kept playing golf. -> This kind of felt like the point of the story for me. How he just decided to let it all be, maybe even deny himself just to get what he wanted.
All in all, this story was very good and I liked its wit and originality as well as the funny situations and your way of narrating. Good luck in the contest and in your writing in the future ;]