Andromeda's Poison - Comments

God, this is brilliant.
The descriptions are flawless and the plot's wonderful - who'd have thought super-humans would be the lesser?
I'm not a fan of the tiny font, but I love the rest of the layout. Maybe bring it up a size?
Besides, James is a lovely name.
Rec and sub. ~

Something I forgot to mention in my previous comment was the layout. I've had to switch to the default layout because the dark-ish text on the black background was extremely hard for me to read.

Chaper 2

Not even after they dried her up and pressed two cold paddles against her chest did they even care enough to say, 'Clear!', as her body jolted upwards, her heartbeat monitor rushing into a steady, animated state.

This is probably just a nitpicky and technical thing but when emergency personal say 'clear' they don't do it for the patients, they do it for the other emergency personal around them, to make sure no one's touching the body so that they won't get shocked as well. Just thought I'd mention that since the statement above seems to say that they don't even care about the girl enough to give her a warning by saying “Clear.” Even if they didn't care about her they would still say it to keep the other workers safe.

Anywho, again, I was really impressed by your originality here. I like the small details you put into this, like the fact that the captured people waiting to be sold aren't really 'alive' while they're in the tubes, they're more in some kind of stasis. I did wonder, though, why the doctor's were so careless about their own safety. I would think that, knowing her history for violence, they would revive her and then immediately put her under the control of Andromeda's Poison, rather than risking her being 'alive' and out of their control for any amount of time.

Chaper 3

She was silent for a couple of seconds, revolted that he would ever consider taking that demon with him.

^ I liked the bit of irony here, that she had the nerve to be disgusted with him.

I also liked that even though this event, that I would think of as a huge horrific event, just happened, things seem to be back to business with the saleswoman. I think that says a lot about the times and this business – that that's not even a big deal, it's just something that happens sometimes.

I recently made an ad for this story for the Mibba Magazine (after it was recced in the Story Reccing thread) and I've been meaning to look into. Boy, am I glad I did. This story is definitely different from the usual stories found on Mibba.

I really liked a lot about this story, the first being that it was a science-fiction that, at least within the first chapter, doesn't seem to be centered around romance. That's something that's very hard to find. Another thing I liked was the idea of this story, that superhuman beings are being captured and sold like slaves.

I loved that there were so many original and unique ideas in this story - the selling of superheroes and Andromeda's Poison (I love the use of the 'poison' and the history behind the name you chose for it). What I didn't like, however, was the mention of the comic book superheroes we know of now and how you used them as a way to compare and describe your superheroes. It pulled me out of the story a bit, and seemed to serve as a blaring reminder that his story isn't real. It definitely took away a bit of the originality of the story by drawing to and using comparisons to those other works.

Onto chapter two...

I love it! It's brilliant!!

same as yashiwashibabe
i really want to know her name, if she has one.
more soon?

I really like this story. I like seeing how horrible people think humans will be later.
I feel bad for the potentium, and I can't wait until we officially meet the girl.

awesome!

^ She's the love child of Chi (Chobits) and Lucy/Nyu (Elfen Lied)

Woman, I will become like one of those obnoxious commenters just telling you to update, trufax.

Anyways, I like how you included Yurik's name into that one paragraph; it was so sleek And his name is gorgeous as well. I picture him as Yue (Card Captor Sakura). He has this sort of renegade aristocrat feeling to him

The narration, as per usual, flows beautifully with your descriptions, and you left us in a cliffhanger, so I'm prompted to send you blackmails in order to get you to update

I really can't wait to see how this will develop; how the girl will be handled and their relationship will begin, as well as how this might tie in with the rest of the potentium.

Update, woman!

Oh, god, Za, I'm so glad you posted this story. I am also flattered you actually used the idea I gave you. <3

What I've always admired in your writing, the natural way everything flows. There's character development right from scratch, and I love that. The fact you actually explain the type of character we're dealing with, and depict the whole picture without missing any important facts. Heck, you even threw in there a bit of humor, even when the whole scene was pretty much serious. It had your voice, I believe. The narration is so you. It's incredible.

The plot idea is mind-blowing genius, and I applaud you for that. It's creative and complicated, even if just a bit. I love, love, love, what this story is about. It's so out of the ordinary, it's like this cup of refreshment after a terrible meal. This is like refreshing my mind and indulging myself in this alternative world. A world of power and greed. It's incredible. It sounds like something from a published novel.

The fact that Neo-Chi 09 has this bizarre power makes things even better. I'm itching to know her age. I picture her as a small french doll, as you described. I just cant wait to read more. I really don't. This is such a good story through and through. I am so fucking glad you decided to write it.

x 10,000.

I love the title and how it relates to the story so perfectly.

Anything pertaining future societies catch my eyes, so this one spoke to me as soon as I read the excerpt you sent me

Aside from the few typos (one that I already pointed out to you, and another one in which a comma is missing), the story flows smoothly from paragraph to paragraph. I like how you jump between the present moment, the possible customer, to a bit of background on the potentium.

I also thank you a lot for explaining what potentium means and not leaving loose ends on that.

The story has a lot of potential and I certainly hope to read more from it. Your descriptions are so vivid and not over the top, which makes it easier on the readers' eyes to capture the moment without being told completely what it's all about, being allowed to imagine and wonder by themselves in this world.

I like the mix in between Chobits and Elfen Lied I can actually imagine this in a manga/anime version. Also, the X-men references made me snicker they were cleverly put into the story and made me like it even more.

Great job, sis!

I like the name of it and how it ties in well with the story beginning itself. I also like the intriguing bit of poetry at the beginning. Keep up the good work! I hope to read more soon :D