Hell's Kings - Comments

So in the summary I was laughing my ass off at the second rule. That's something that always crosses my mind when reading a vampire relationship. No one ever mentions girl's being on their periods and being around vampires. What effect does that have on them? So I'm really glad you brought that in here--although there was one story that had it but I don't remember how it ended up playing out...

But I definitely like the rules you have set up.

I'm going to start by pointing out any grammatical errors I find, and then move on from there.

They are laws which a man would never seek to cross unless he so desired death. comma after laws.

Some laws are unwritten, but even more important than those which I have recorded. comma after those.

Seth, Victor, myself, Waylon, Hector, Mathias, and Dylan. Myself should be at the end.

So not going to lie this chapter made me think of the Black Dagger Brotherhood. Literally, the names were very similar as for the whole 'powerful' bit of it. I'm a bit worried on that front, but I'm sure it'll be fine. Great job so far.

I was not dealing with my former fledling at the moment however; I was dealing with one that had even less brains and potential than Mathias had had fledgling

I was going to have to go with the later given his current position standing over her looking more like a stupid creeper than anything. The little fool. latter

. HIs fangs were already unsheathed. His

I attacked him before the girl could noticed the fangs. notice

"Good job pal, you need help cleaning this up?" the asked. Either they asked or you need to describe the man speaking.

She would see me again too. I was going to make sure of it because I was going to kill her, properly... This sentence[the first one] doesn't go right with the dialogue before it. You're basically just repeating what she had said, so either you need to italicize one of the words to make it have more effect or switch the sentnece around.

I like it, yes. But it still reminds me of Black Dagger Brotherhood. As I read further I'm hoping that'll change. One of the bits when it says 'couldn't he tell that she had blood on her and not in her.' I'm pretty sure vaginal blood is inside the body. Especially if she's wearing a tampon it'll stay inside her body. So that's kind of...off

The bit where you refer to the myth...that didn't fit well with me. I don't really like when authors have to refer back to myths to explain their vampires. Just tell it like it is and don't explain yourself. It's your story and your myths/laws.

Otherwise, great job, subscribing for sure.

Chapter One Seth, Victor, myself, Waylon, Hector, Mathias, and Dylan. Myself should be at the end, just a grammar issue. It was very short, so there's not much I can really say on it.

Chapter Two I liked this chapter because it showed a harsh vampire, one who didn't care for love or anything. So far. I really like the way he just kills off his "fledgling". You could start using different names for them, like apprentice or something. Fledgling is a forced word and doesn't really flow while reading.

Chapter Three You get a bit repetitive with fledgling and sire. Again, I would think of a couple different names for them, even him or her would work and sound less repetitive. You should describe your characters, I know you have a section for pictures, but a novel doesn't just say a name and expect you to know what they look like. You know what I mean? I like your characters personalities though, they make me laugh.

Chapter Four If you are going to use another language, translate it somehow because not a lot of people know French. Maybe describe it, like if they're giving an order, describe how someone does what they're told. I really like this, it's got great potential (:

Lovely banner, first of all, and pretty layout!
I'm liking this because it isn't cliched, it's markedly different from most vampire fics... and it still manages to be a romance without veering into cliche.
You've developed your characters very nicely, just through the unique voices you've given them, and I quite like that not only are they described differently, the very style of your writing reflects them differently
Awesome job!

Good to see a creation of very different characters (it gets a little annoying when characters seem to have very similar personalities but it isn’t the case here). Keep up the good work; I’m intrigued to read more.

First off, the banner and layout and beautiful. The summery drew me in right away. It just made me think "this is an interesting set of rules." The first chapter was short and sweet, but made my attention to the story grow even stronger. I'm already very interested in the character and how their realistic uniqueness show right through. Very beautiful, interesting story. I'm subscribing.

The storyline isn't cliche so that's good. I like how the first chapter is informative about what's going to happen but it doesn't sound mechanical or boring. It doesn't give away too much but it leaves a little room for the reader to think about. The second chapter had some minor grammar errors but nothing to bad. This is a great start, I like the mystery and suspense you have surrounding it. It makes the reader want more.

Grammar

"woudl" should be "would"
"however," should be "however;"
"noticed" should be "notice"
"agasint" should be "against"
"it's" should be "its"

Before I begin the review, I want to say that the layout is absolutely gorgeous and the vampires rules are freakin' badass. Seriously, where do you come up with ideas like that?! Okay, I'll start the review for real now before I begin to ramble xD ANYWAYS. I really like Avery so far; I like that his chapter is short, but it keeps the reader on their toes and interested. I like how you add this major air of mystery and it's just like...omfg. It's amazing. Oh, and I love the vampires' names :D They sound so regal! And now for Waylon. He's definitely an interesting character.. He also has a dark mystery about him and his humor made me laugh, especially this part: After she had finished her period. Just letting you know that that's a brilliant pickup line xD
I'm so subbing to this. This is amazing (: Lovely job! <3

I don't normally read vampire fics, but this one seems really interesting. It's not cliched, which of course is a big plus. I love the idea of them having rules about women, and it's also nice to see a story from a vampire's perspective rather than a human's.

The banner is amazing, it's really pretty.

not life a finger
I think that's meant to be 'lift a finger'. (Only mistake I saw.)

I really like Waylon's way of narration, it flows really well. The way you've got those short sentences after the paragraphs is a nice effect, it really adds to the stream-of-conscienceness of the chapter.

… Do you make your own layouts’, because the ones of yours I’ve seen have been gorgeous?

Hmmm, I wonder how many of them rules are going to be broken.

Great Opening Chapter

can't wait to see where this ends up! :D