March 5th, 2011 at 12:28pm
So I can't believe nobody has commented this yet, I think it's brilliant :)
Honestly, I'm not a fan of present tense style in writing, but I think that you pulled it off nicely. I'm not familiar with the characters from The Iliad, but I am very familiar with the characters from Harry Potter so I could follow along well enough.
First off, I loved the playful banter between the two characters. Very laid back. Very realistic, in my opinion.
“Well, I’d rather be lesser than dead, and I’m sure Peter feels the same.” <- I love how that is used in regards to Peter. That is just so fitting considering what we find out about him in the actual Harry Potter series. Anything to save his own skin.
One thing that confused me though was why Sirius said he was not as bad as Achilles when Remus did not say that Sirius was Achilles out loud. I assume that it's because they're dating, but it took me a few times re-reading the first few paragraphs to get that. I would perhaps make that bit more clear.
Also, I felt like in there is no avoiding the fact. Achilles is Sirius Black. there should be a colon instead of a period after fact. At least that's how I would have written it. It just seems like the first sentence is not complete without the second sentence, so they should be linked with a colon. *shrugs* just a thought.
Other than that, the grammar looks good, though I didn't go over it meticulously, to tell you the truth.
Oh, and I almost forgot to mention that I love how Sirius is written. He's so arrogant, but it's a good thing. You did a good job of taking the bits of marauder aged Sirius that we do see in the books and putting them in your own writing.
I really like this, it wasn't overly long and detailed like a lot of one shots, it was just simple and portrayed a little love and and friendship and mockery. It was a true Marauder piece and those are hard to come across. I loved how you captured just a little snippet in their lives so well. I imagine it to be a Friday evening, having just returned from dinner and Remus is getting a little light reading in before starting on an awfully long potions essay and then this sudden realization comes to him and then there's just this beautiful moment between friends.
Also, well done for incorporating the work of Homer. So many people try to be all literary by including classics but ruin it, but you pulled it off. Well done for that. It show's unique writing and the ability to be flexible about the times.
This was a really realistic little one shot. The grammar was good, it was witty and very light to read. I like this. Keep it up. :)
- Robert Pattinson.